From the FasterSkier archive — posts syndicated from athletes’ and coaches’ own blogs between 2004 and 2012, kept online as published. Current coverage is at fasterskier.com.
Day 12: Masters World Cup Total World Domination Package
Day Twelve. We made it. Wow. Sure, we lost a few along the way, good men (and women, though most women were likely smart enough to not set foot on this sinking ship in the first place)
Taking a journey with 12 Days of FBD writing is like going on a poorly captained cruise ship (though thankfully with much, much less diarrhea and WAY fewer fat people). Come aboard, we’ve been expecting you.
As a quick aside, I bartended at Smullin’s rehearsal dinner, so I naturally wore a name tag that read, “Isaac,” and YES, I sure as hell did the “double gun” finger point all night. I am frickin’ awesome.
So as we are pulling into port, thanks to the steady hand of Captain Stubing, the compassion of Julie McCoy, and the vision and brilliance of yours truly, I am pleased to report that all of your relationship issues have been solved and life is good. That’s what happened every week on The Love Boat and it’s what is going to happen here. We’re going to end this wonderful series but going back to where we started, racing.
In Day 1 (yes, I know, that seems like a long, long time ago, doesn’t it?), we focused on recovery. Why? (Let’s all say it together) You don’t get fast from doing hard workouts, you get fast by recovering from hard workouts. What is probably the hardest of all workouts? Racing. So we’re going to come full circle and finish up by talking about racing, more specifically, Master Blaster Worlds (MBW). I know, I know, they have some super-serious, long, fancy name, but to all of us “in the know,” they are Master Blaster Worlds. And this year they just so happen to be in the good ol’ U.S. of A.
So one of my many goodbye gifts to you (there have been so many, as I view each of my written words as a gift to you. I told you I was a ‘giver.’), is that I (with the help of my latest Cracker Jack crew) am going to get you styled out for MBWs. If you don’t have all of the race gear, race clothing, casual clothing, recovery tools, and every other piece of equipment, software, or soft goods that you could even possibly need by now, well then God help you, as I don’t know if it would have been possible for me to write any more on any of these topics. At one point a few days ago I even got a call from the Internet, asking me to delete some of my earlier columns, because the Internet had run out of room.
This means that you can’t possibly need anything else to wear, so what else could you need? Wax, that’s what. Wait a minute, wait a minute FBD, didn’t you that kook Caldwell yell at you about wax a few days ago? Yes, he did, and all of that yelling is still as applicable today as the day it was yelled, and I’m going to call that ‘good general ski wax knowledge,’ but since no one loves you like I do, I also going to go one step further and also bring in another panel of experts to talk about their years of experience training on racing on the exact MBW course.
Take it from someone who has spent a lot of time in World Cup wax cabins, nothing beats local knowledge. There’s a reason why we send techs to World Championship and Olympic venues a year or two or THREE in advance, to start testing waxes. Can you imagine if you had over 40 years of experience testing in one particular venue under your belt? Well, you don’t need to imagine it, because that’s what I’m bringing to you here today, along with a few hard good recommendations as well.
As I did was Zach and Nathan in Day 7, I am stepping back a bit and letting Matt Liebsch and the crew at Pioneer Midwest take the controls here, so full disclosure, I have not tested all of these products. These are the recommendations of Pioneer Midwest, written by Pioneer Midwest, not me, so if you have crappy skis at MBW and U R so PO’d that it’s a BFD, HU ML at PM ASAP 2 say FU.
I also feel compelled to give credit where credit is due — the phrase, “Total World Domination, (TWD)” or at least in the context that it is used here, was created by Duncan Douglas, a.k.a., Jacked Up Old Man. If you don’t know Duncan, well, you are missing out. “TWD” is Duncan’s approach to each and every workout, from his early days as an Olympic biathlete, to whatever the hell insane 9 hours of activity he did last night, that’s just how JUOM rolls. He is my hero.
This pink block of wax is hard and medium-fluorinated, which is great for all the manmade snow at Wirth Park. Your waxing strategy needs to be built upon a solid base that will resist abrasion from granular snow, which is exactly the type of conditions present at Wirth Park the past few years. RCF Pink is a go to wax for World Cup technicians because World Cup races are regularly held on courses with manmade snow. This is a great wax for Wirth as long as the snow is not brand new. Patrick Moore is an awesome dude and one of the best techs on the World Cup… he shows how to apply this hard stuff in this video.
Thin to win right?! Well that is easier said when working with klister. Rex has some new liquid klisters that apply easily with a sponge applicator. They are incredibly easy to use while keeping the layer of klister thin and mess free. No more klister running off the tails of your skis. We have found Rex Base Klister a workable solution in many conditions at Wirth as a base-kick option and the Rex Gold… that stuff is just the best on artificial snow.
Whenever I have great success classic skiing at Wirth Park it seems to involve me using Rex Hydrex.
This is a gliding wax used to cover kicking waxes. If you are on klister, it generally speeds things up without sacrificing kick, but make sure to always test it on your warmup skis before shot-gunning it. It works awesome as a treatment for skin skis or zero skis. Also, in warm temps it can be used on the gliding zones as well and I know for a fact it has seen high-level success at the World Cup both as a covering wax for kick and as a glide top coat.
This is a go-to race paraffin for Wirth Park when they don’t have natural snow (most of the time). The workable temp range is huge for this wax at Wirth: 10 F to 35 F+. Most years they have mixed dirty artificial snow and HF5BW is near unbeatable in standard (unfortunately standard) Wirth snow conditions. If there is no new snow in sight, use this. The other standby that shines under these conditions is Rex RCF Pink.
Natural snow in Minneapolis in January means only one thing … it is freakin’ cold. My #1 tested cold natural snow race base wax for the Twin Cities is Start MF10. I have tried to beat it for years; Start HF10 comes close as do a lot of things, but if you are looking for something that works all the time and does not cost a fortune, you cannot miss with this wax in super-cold squeaky natural snow conditions. Make sure you have a cold profile ski and a super-cold grind…. I like our SC0. Check out our stone-grinding services.
Want to leave the waxing supplies at home for World Masters and have us take care of it all for you? We have been skiing at Wirth Park for over 20 years. We know what works and more importantly we know what does not work. Whenever I have traveled the country and world I have had great success getting wax support and grind support from the locals because they know what works the best. Pioneer Midwest will be and are your local experts. Let us take care of your skis for you and we will prepare them for whatever the weather and Wirth Park throws at us for World Masters.
Speed without having to think about it. The Swix HVC liquids are super easy and extraordinarily fast on the artificial snow at Wirth Park. Again, I have tested a boatload of liquid waxes at Wirth and these are always near the top. I qualified top 6 in a SuperTour sprint qualifier a few years ago at Wirth on HVC and that is outstanding considering my history of sprinting. When the conditions are below 25 F and artificial snow, we use the cold version, and when warmer than 25 F, we use the warm version. This stuff is super easy to use, wipe on, let dry 3 minutes or longer, go race. An application of Swix HVC can last upwards of 15 km. But careful in mixed new snow as they can be a liability, but when skiing on old snow grab the appropriate Swix HVC and go for it. The other staple liquid to try if the snow gets a little dirtier from heavy use is Rex Ruka.
If I had to shotgun one powder for warm weather racing above 20 F, this would be it. This wax has a Birkie win under its belt and it has been a no-brainer choice on the World Cup for years. It runs very well at Wirth Park. The other powder that always seems to be in the mix at Wirth in the artificial snow is Toko Red 2.0.
Wet and dirty snow at Wirth Park seems to happen more often than we would like. The HWK guys are always testing on the WC biathlon circuit and they race and test on wet, dirty, artificial snow all the time. This was my top coat at the Birkie 2 years ago and I have won a few SuperTour races at Wirth Park on this wax. It is easy to apply and a no-brainer in wet/dirty Minneapolis city snow if we get those conditions.
Want a top level pole without having to spend $500? This is your ticket. We have a lot of Triac 2.5 poles on closeout and it is the same shaft as the new $500 Triac 3.0. The difference is the strap and if you are keen on watching a lot of World Cup racing you may have noticed many of the best skiers in the world were using the 2.5 pole even after the 3.0 was released. Why? Well the traditional strap/grip with some real estate to rest your thumb is very nice at a cost of only a few grams. Plus we think the graphics on the 2.5 are better.
Panic waxing, no more. Yes, a perfectly waxed classic ski with the perfect application will outperform a no-wax ski most of the time. But how often does that happen?! Even Norway screws up the kick wax — look what happened at Ruka this year. Klæbo won the men’s World Cup distance classic race on no-wax skis. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a backup race classic ski for when you or your wax tech miss the kick wax and you have no kick or too much kick and you start panic-mode 15 minutes before your race start? Think about how great it could be if you have a rocket-fast skin ski with bomber kick, covered in Rex Hydrex waiting in case of panic. We stock every major brand of racing skins, just drop us a line if you want to order some anti-panic skis. Check out our Ski Request services.
As we are winding this down, questions continue to roll in as to how I managed to get all of these amazing reviews done, not only so amazingly well, but also so amazingly fast. Part of my secret I shared the other day with this very insightful video, and part of it derives from my scrupulous attention to detail and a work ethic that I learned from Hunter S. Thompson.
For anyone unfamiliar with his legendary schedule, I strong encourage you to carefully review this and adapt to your life, as necessary.
In reality, my own schedule is quite similar. First off, I applaud Mr. Thompson for getting a full 8 hours of sleep each “night,” as every good athlete knows that recovery is the key to success. Well done, Hunter. I choose to follow this lead wherever possible, with only a slight 14-hour shift in the prescribed bedtime (Wow, Hunter and I sure used the word ‘prescribed’ in a very different sense, huh?).
Regarding diet, this is also another key pillar to success to all athletes and one small area in which Mr. Thompson and I deviate slightly. My food profile is a little more centered around fresh fruits and vegetables and a little less centered around cocaine and cigarettes, but I think we’re really splitting hairs here. Can starting the day with three lines of blow and a Marlboro Red really be all that different than a kale smoothie and a quinoa/egg white omlette? I think most doctors will tell you no.
Apparently he and I also share a love for pasta, orange juice and Dove bars, so I have to believe that I am well on my way. To where? Who knows, but I do know one thing, it’s not here.
Wait, perhaps that a bit too dramatic — I am neither quitting, nor being fired (at least not to the best of my knowledge, but I suppose that could change at any moment), but this does mark the end of 12 Days of FBD and what a ride it has been.
I hope everyone has enjoyed reading this work as much as I have enjoyed writing it and I would most certainly be amiss if I didn’t pay a huge thanks to my evil, corporate overlords at FasterSkier who give me a TREMENDOUS amount of room to run and support me completely in what assuredly is the most “colorful” gear review out there.
In particular, I want to say an extra special thanks to my editor, Alex Kochon. Despite the fact that the word “cochon” is French for pig, Alex is anything but that. This may come as a huge surprise to all of you, but I can be exceedingly difficult to work with — I submit 7,000 word reviews on even the simplest of topics and I have a deep emotional attachment to each and every one of those words. From my perspective, the removal of even one of my carefully chosen locutions results is such a devastating seismic shift that the newly butchered text takes on a completely different dimension, one with potentially earth-destroying consequences. In addition to this unbreakable ionic bond I have to each and every carefully chosen and very precise phase, I also have a flair for the melodramatic. And I am also quite needy. No, really, it’s true. I’m not sure, but I think I also complain a lot. However, I do know that a lot of people complain about me, so in my mind, those two kind of balance out.
Combine all of this with the fact that I regularly submit work at well past midnight and hopefully it is evident how key a role Alex played in this process. She is a smart, calm, caring person and truly a joy to work with each day, as always manages to quickly and efficiently format and post my work, thankfully usually only with a minimum of edits. Her professionalism is unrivaled, as are her talents (this is the case for most of the FS staff, with the notable exceptions of Albert and Kentch, who are terrible, terrible hacks). This team has some of my biggest fans and the feeling is most certainly mutual.
We do need to teach Alex a lesson though, so when you see her on the tracks, the street, or in the grocery store, please ask her to tell you the third fictional name that she removed from my rant about the oh-so-annoying trends in child naming. Not only is it “family friendly”, but it is also hilarious. And she took this from you. You have been robbed. Now she must pay. So ask. And ask. And ask. If she says no, ask her again.
So as I prepare to sign off, I sincerely hope that these columns were of some assistance, albeit minor. Whether I somehow managed to provide you a good holiday gift idea idea or even if these rambling diatribes just helped you kill a few minutes at work and stick it to The Man, it doesn’t really matter. It’s not important if you read each and every column, hanging on every work, skimmed a few when you were stuck in an airport with absolutely nothing else to do, or just looked at it for the funny pictures, if you got even one things out of all of this, that’s all that matters.
Hopefully the biggest thing that you did get out of the columns is my hope that everyone realizes that we’re all in this life together. Clean air and clean water shouldn’t be a partisan issue. It just should not. Everyone on the planet deserves access to land not choked with pollution and a safe place to raise their families. We’re at a cross-roads in this country on many of these issues and hopefully enough people will realize the seriousness of these problems and get involved before it is too late.
Science!
So get involved. Pay attention (not just to the signs for baggage claim, but everything in the world around you. Even if a problem isn’t in your backyard, you should still care). Vote. Demand more of your politicians and yourself. We created all of these problems and it is up to us to fix them. But let’s not just fix them, let’s also fix our approach: thoughtful, rational discourse is our only way out, so let’s all hope we can find this, as soon. Facts are nothing to be feared, they are our salvation. Science isn’t always perfect, but it’s the best tool that we have, so it should not be feared, scorned, suppressed, or redacted, it should be embraced.
Finally, even though I took a lot of cheap shots at people, places, and institutions in the past 12 days, it was all done in good fun and with nothing but the best of intentions, (except for you, American Airlines, you truly suck, that was a legal carry-on bag that you made me check it. And I haven’t forgotten about it.) This is a wonderful sport and a wonderful community, so on behalf of the entire FasterSkier team, I’d like to wish everyone a very happy, sexy and snowy holiday. Be kind. Be aware. Be awesome.
Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. See also: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7 | Day 8 | Day 9 |Day 10
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Day 11: Slopestyle
I hate it when people get all twisted up about people who don’t do “their” thing. There are thousands of activities in which you can partake in your leisure time and don’t get all uppity if someone has a different jam than you. I don’t collect antique figurines, but if that’s what makes you happy, have at it hoss (prepare yourself for a bit of a Texas theme today). To have this stone throwing going on within our own endurance sports community is nothing short of idiotic: skiers hating on snowboarders. Road riders turning their noses up at mountain bikers. And perhaps worst of all, alpiners throwing shade to nordies, or vice versa on any of those scenarios. This “crab in a bucket” phenomena is not only ridiculous, but also counterproductive. At a time when national parks, natural resources and the environment in general is under attack thanks to greed, stupidity and overall indifference, all of us who enjoy the great outdoors need to be banning together as one and presenting a unified, collective voice of condemnation to everyone stupid and ignorant enough to think that climate change is not a massive, massive problem.
Yes, this is kind of a preachy start and I would apologize if it wasn’t for the fact that I feel pretty strongly that if we destroy the earth we are going to have a problem. All of us depend on the planet: skiers, snowboarders, surfers, hunters, fisherman, ornithologists, biologists, and everyone else who ventures outside for any activity. Please allow me to break this down even further — if you are breathing air, you need to vote for people who are going to help ensure that clean air is going to continue to be available. If you’ve ever been to Beijing, you know what I’m talking about. If you have not, get woke, as this is no joke (I knew I should have been a rapper — SO much flow, ya know?)
If you think politics is boring and not applicable to you, or “they’re all bad,” or “my vote doesn’t matter,” your wrong, dead wrong. You also may soon be dead. Still wrong, too, btw, but now also dead. We’re not talking about voting on some crazy, random, esoteric tax code or obscure foreign policy deal in remote Sub-Saharan Africa, we’re talking about making sure that your home isn’t destroyed by the even-increasing “natural” disasters. We’re talking about making sure that you have clean water to drink and air that won’t kill you. You know, little stuff like that. The point is that we’re all in this together, so let’s keep that in mind, whether it is fighting declassification of national parks for oil and gas drilling, loosening environmental restrictions to allow more pollutants in the water, or even just going skiing. Check it fam, now THAT is a pivot.
Following up on the latter, today’s column is about the more gravity oriented side of skiing, as absolutely nothing is wrong with going vertical from time to time. Yes, this is primarily a nordic-ski oriented publication, but I know tons of nordic nerds who can crush it on the slopes, and after all, the whole point of all of this is to have fun, so check the attitudes at the door Mr. Too Cool For School alpine d-bag dressed like a mashup between a disenfranchised suburban youth, Shawn White and a D-list white rapper.
If this is you and your “crew,” then you need new friends. And new clothes.
The only people who deserve constant, unrelenting criticism are the buffoons who waddle their giant whammies off the airplane, only to firmly plant their giant caboose smack-dab-middle in the jetway, therein blocking the exit for the remaining 240 people and slowing the process for everyone. You want to know to get to baggage claim, here’s a hint, FOLLOW THE GIANT SIGN THAT SAYS BAGGAGE CLAIM. Every airport has them. Every gate has them. A monkey could figure this out. Same principles apply to boarding as well. You see, each seat has a number and a letter. The number represents the row of your seat and the letter designates your seat within said row. The numbers on the rows go in order, from lowest to highest as you board the plan. That means in you are in row 39, you are not seated up front next to me. Why, you may ask? (and some of you, have asked). Because I’m in row 2. You are not. You are in row 39. Row 39 is not next to row 2, in fact, it is 37 rows away. So less talking and more walking.
Since the alpine vs. nordic debate can be a bit of a contentious one, we’re going to easy into today’s offerings with a product that straddles the line nicely — a neck gaiter. These are awesome for both alpine and nordic — and this is not just any gaiter, this is the “Pandana” that supports an elite skier. One of us. These revenues aren’t going to some evil corporation lavishing pay on their CEO while simultaneously screwing the average worker, but rather to one of our own, to someone trying to make it to the big show.
I became a fan of Becca Rorabaugh’s brand when my custom hat arrived with an even more custom addition.
Help APU rockstar Becca Rorabaugh fund her Olympic dream with the purchase of one of her sweet, custom neck gaiters.
Remember people, this column is about looking good AND feeling good. Yeah, you could most certainly “rock the pipe,” (take it easy all of you bible-bangers, I’m talking about this…)
… in an undershirt and Daisy Dukes, but not only would you look like a complete idiot, but you would also be a cold idiot.
FBD rules of engagement exist for your safety and for that of your team, either obey them, or you are history (that’s the next part of the quote for those of you out there who don’t know it because you have actual social lives): these carefully crafted mores (not to be confused with morays, which are eels, not rules, although someone, somewhere must have rules about eels, so I suppose you could have moray mores) have been rigorously designed to help you both look good and feel good.
You’re most certainly not going to look good, feel good or have any rap with the ladies whatsoever if you’re the weird guy shivering on the lift in his cut-off, pocked-out jorts.
After being asked to leave his mom-jeans book club due to his refusal to discuss anything but peer-reviewed scientific literature regarding aerobic training, a dejected Josh Smullin bought a home perm kit and headed off to greener pastures with his new jorts (and future Kook Of The Day feature) crew.
With those caveats carefully engrained in your gray matter, let’s proceed.
FBD loves a good hoodie. I mean really, who doesn’t? Hoodies rule. There is no better way to tear it up on the alpine hill, whether it be Dong Patrol, pressing glass on a powder day or throwin’ game in the park. All of the park rats are always jibbin’, flippin’, stylin’, and all of the other ‘in’s’ in hoodies, but lest anyone thinks that hoodies are only from groms, you can do plenty of good work in one as a responsible adult as well. Or in my case, a somewhat mildly responsible, quasi-adult (think of a much taller, sexier Peter Pan, with better taste in clothes, while also not owning a peanut butter company, though I do move like this on the dance floor).
Rock this beauty from L.L. Bean on an alpine day if you want to look like a park grom and don’t mind being cold after about 15 minutes, or wear it out on the town if you want to look like a normal human who understands the importance of activity-specific attire.
I went ‘Old School’ a bit on this one and had to climb way up in the Trust Tree, the nest. As I was testing the gear-winning Big Agnes sleeping bag, not only was I quite impressed with the bag, but I was also reminded that I had a few of their jackets kicking around that I really liked. Once the bag passed my rigorous testing with flying colors, it reminded me that their coats also kick ass, so not only did I revisit the garment with which I have had great luck, but I even dove back into the ocean of outwear confusion to see what was new from BA in that department. I’m glad I did too, as I found a real keeper: the Fire Tower Belay Jacket.
It’s a big puffy, so don’t wear it out to the bar in Colorado, or you’ll look like this guy…
.. or even worse, a tourist from Texas (there is no greater indignity in any ski town bar than being asked if you are from Texas. If you ever hear this question, you need to immediately re-evaluate all of your clothing, speech, tone, volume, selection of vehicle, really every aspect of your life, for that matter, as this is truly Lifestyle DEFCON 1.
Pro tip: that video is an extremely accurate depiction of what happens behind your back when you walk into any ski-town bar dressed like this:
So now that you’ve been suitably warned (and warmed) about the dangers of inappropriate usage, let’s talk about some of the places where you can wear the coat without getting laughed out of the room. For starters, it’s called a belay jacket for a reason — have you ever belayed someone ice climbing? It is cold as hell, so you obviously need a warm jacket, and this one is perfect. I suppose that’s why they called it the “Belay Jacket.” Makes sense. I bet these guys know how to board an airplane.
To and from the tracks is obviously a no-brainer, as we all know that you don’t need to wear a lot when you’re nordic skiing, yet allowing yourself to get chilled post-ski is a surefire way to get yourself sick (and to piss off everyone around you who has to listen to you whine about you being cold the whole way down from Rabbit Ears — bring a second coat dummy, how hard is that?)
Another acceptable nordic usage is coaching and/or spectating. Skiing on even the coldest of days is generally fine, but man oh Manischewitz, can you get cold if you are just standing around.
I’m a little torn on the alpine recommendation, as I my whole premise of today’s column is to NOT be too judgmental, but whew, I really struggle when I see this on the slopes:
This is usually a good person to avoid.
But, having said that, sticking with today’s theme, if rockin’ the giant puffy on the slopes is your program, well, so be it. Personally, I believe this to be a more appropriate garment for winter camping, mountaineering, ice climbing, all of the aforementioned nordic applications, and more, but yes, in a pinch you can use it for alpine — just stay the hell away from me, I have a reputation to uphold. On the plus side, you will be quite warm. Sure, this will most likely be from a combination of embarrassment and ridicule, but the coat is amazing nonetheless. And hey, at least it’s not a Bogner one-piece suit with a giant, chrome Eagle emblazoned on the back (and yes, those really do exist — they are quite popular with the Texas crowd and people who struggle with airplane boarding.)
Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. See also: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7 | Day 8 | Day 9
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Day 10: Tech
Tech — what exactly does that mean? Technology? Phones that cost >$1k but still die after being exposed to cold for less than an hour? Michigan Tech? The dudes who stay up late drinking and prepping skis? All of these? None of these? Inquiring minds want to know.
In the vernacular that I am establishing here is it really more of the former and much less of the latter, much, much less, actually, as I am still recovering from spending time with the ski service technicians from Italy, Germany and France on the last night of the FIS Nordic Combined Continental Cup. You can learn a lot talking with World Cup wax techs and in this case I learned that if you stay up late drinking, you’re going to feel like crap the next morning. Who knew?
So let’s do our best to purge that nasty little episode from memory (which should be easy, as many of the details from that night are already sketchy) and focus on all of the strengths of technology.
This one is on the edge of the price category, with WÜD Life offering cases ranging from $19.95 to $39.95, but we tested one right in the middle, a “Mountain by Mauro Martins Phone Case” made with North American Maple wood. This company, which has only been around since June, sells rugged, yet visually appeasing phone cases made from natural materials, like wood and stone (as well as hard plastic and rubber). So if you’re buying for someone that’s outdoorsy and artsy, this is a great choice.
The cases are relatively thin and lightweight (even the rock cases) and they’re not waterproof, so they don’t live up to the indestructible standards set by, say OtterBox. At the same time, they’re a lot less bulky and definitely eye-catching. And if you really want to stand out among the crowd, check out WÜD’s Private Collection for cases “uniquely designed for each customer”, made of burl wood and available in limited quantities.
First and foremost, let’s not forget that the ultimate goal of technology is to make our lives better and is there anything better than hot, fresh coffee in the morning? Coffee is good everywhere, but it’s even better when you are up in the mountains, on a glacier, or marooned in some soul-crushing cabin in remote Montana, testing sleeping bags and underwear, alone with your thoughts (turns out that you can scribble down your insane ramblings much faster and with greater clarity when you are jacked up on caffeine).
Coffee is a lot like sex in the sense that even when it’s bad, it’s good. Sticking with this metaphor for a second, coffee is also good anywhere and no where is it better than in any of the aforementioned scenarios. It can also be hard to find, especially when you are traveling alone, and can be quite frustrating when someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing messes it up.
The solution? (Well, at least to your coffee problems, you’re on your own for the other stuff). A kick-ass backcountry coffee system. Technically (yup, there’s that word again), this is a pour-over system, as opposed to a French Press, but at the end of the day, does any of that really matter? Your goal is good/great coffee in the backcountry (or in your hillbilly offices if those savages only have dirty, old commercial drip coffee makers that look like they came from a insane asylum in the 1950s).
There are a few different pour-over systems out there, but this one is probably my favorite. It’s relatively light, very functional, durable and most importantly, produces great coffee, which is key when you are sitting in your Ted Kaczynski-style cabin in remote Montana, wondering how your life went so wrong. It might be a bit heavy for weight-weenie backpackers (for you, I recommend this, but please note, you also need a compatible stove).
OK, this one is a bit tricky for me. I gladly travel to the far corners of the Earth in search of the ultimate in gear for my adoring readers, but I’m going to let you in on a secret — I generally don’t like Strava. Well, wait, let me back up a bit — I generally don’t like the people who use Strava. Just as Muhammad Ali famously once said regarding his refusal to fight in Vietnam, “I ain’t got no quarrel with them Viet Cong,” I ain’t got no quarrel with Strava, but man, I sure do hate some of the idiots using it. If you’ve ever uttered the phrase, “If it’s not on Strava, it doesn’t exist,” you are one of the people to which I am referring.
Or if you’re someone who I beat the balls off of in a running race to the top of the gondola and instead of taking your beating like a man, you cried about it because your ass-kicking wasn’t on Strava, well then I’m talking to you too. You people (or in this case, person) are the worst.
These are the very same people who speed up on their bikes if they see someone preparing to pass them on a training ride. Guess what that training ride just became, dummy, that’s right, a race. Don’t get me wrong, I love racing — “racing improves the breed,” but you know when I like to race? On race day. You know when racing is stupid? On training days when you are supposed to be riding easy. But hey, if you want to wreck your season and make your training time less, productive, who am I to stand in your way? Blow it out all summer trying to move up from number 349 to 321 on your local KOM, just don’t come crying to me when you’re going backwards all winter on snow.
Thankfully, this phenotype is not everyone on Strava. In fact, I have a few very good friends who successfully use this social network without me wanting to murder them each and every day. Case in point, the first couple of U.S. cross-country skiing, Brian and Caitlin Gregg are not only regular users, but also completely normal, sensible people who use this tool wisely.
Strava offers a basic level service which is free, but the premium option has all kinds of cool options and since this is a Holiday Gift Guide, why not gift this to your favorite nordic nerd already wasting away hours to see which other nordic nerd skied the local hill faster than they did on a training day? If your gift recipient in question has already bought into this nonsense, the extra features available on the premium level will have your technophile nothing short of orgasmic. (Hmmm, lots of sex references in here today, I may need to see someone about this).
As for more on how to use Strava correctly and without sounding like a total tool, I would like to turn over the floor to my good buddies, Olympians and all-around great people, Brian and Caitlin Gregg. During out time together in West Yellowstone, they each offered up these perfect assessments, “The LNR [Loppet Nordic Racing] boys have turned me on to Strava and it is a fun was to help share and discover different rollerski routes,” said Brian. “We have set up segments for our various interval loops and hills and it is nice to have an automatic log of segment times for our intervals.Plus it is fun to keep everyone on track and accountable for successfully negative splitting intervals sessions.”
Caitlin added, “It is helpful to be able to easily see heart rates and data from the whole training group so that we can make sure that the intensity level is correct and we can monitor fatigue.” Now THAT’S how you use Strava, people.
Truer words were never spoken. Go ahead and sign up, but remember people, I am watching you.
The biggest takeaway here? Be more like Caitlin and Brian. In everything you do.
Who doesn’t love a good backcountry pack? This pack made the cut for “tech,” because not only is the pack itself high-tech, but it can also very effectively carry and help manage a whole suite of other technologies (no word if the French wax techs will fit inside, though it IS called “The Haute Route.”) Since the HR 32 has features like separate compartments for your avi gear (you DO have avi gear, right? If not, don’t you dare leave the groomers), easy carry options for skis, snowboard, helmet, poles, and even an ice axe, boom, you had me at hello.
My back is much more broad and jacked up than this, but you get the general idea.
What’s also great about this pack is the use-profile for which it was designed: backcountry touring. Rocking the BC is the best of both worlds: you get to show off your superior aerobic fitness and blast up some big hill like the lunatic that you are, then come ripping down on beautiful, untouched, gaper-free powder. Talk about living this dream, THIS is it.
There are lots of variations on this, too, and all of them rock: there’s backcountry, slack country, side-country and even Big Country. (This is btw, exactly what J-Smu’s arms look like: pasty little strings of Play-Doh attached to a giant head) So go ahead, pick your poison, but don’t get all caught up in labels, attitudes and worrying about the MO of the next guy, you do you — there’s lots of fun to be had out there, so go get some. Just do so safely and with some style.
Yes, I went HAM (and no, not this) the other day on the Lupine headlamps, but guess what, I’m not done. Why? Well, if you REALLY want to go whole hog (lots of porcine references today, I must need bacon), you also need the Lupine Wilma 7 light. Let’s get all of our cards on the table right now, too — this light has 3,200 lumens. Three thousand, two hundred. That’s a lot.
I didn’t even bring up this option in the earlier review, for to be perfectly honest, this light really isn’t all that applicable to skiing. Sure, you COULD use it, but do you need it? Not really. The Neo and the Piko headlamps, covered in excruciating detail the other day, are more than enough light for nordic skiing — in particular the Piko. That little guy is light, powerful and extremely versatile. So, having said all of that, why did the Wilma make the cut for today, especially given its hefty price tag? Simple. Cycling.
Since, sadly, snow seems to be going the way of the Dodo and so many dodos with access to voting booths are either making the wrong call or eschewing the process altogether (remember people, you get the government that you deserve), the reality of the situation is we need to prepare for shorter winters and less snow.
Piano-case coffin
This means that as a skier, you can either give up and resign yourself to an early grave in a piano-case coffin (at right), or you can fight to protect the environment and hope that we can prevent further damage, and get your riding and running game on point. As we discussed earlier at great length, the reduced availability of daylight in winter makes this extra tricky, so while we’ve already covered why you need a light for night ride (I think this is also pretty self-explanatory), we’re now about to dive into why you need two.
In essence, there are two main reasons, both stemming from visibility: the first is you seeing, and the second is you being seen. We’ll tackle these in order.
Seeing: it’s important. Mountain biking is vastly superior to road riding at all times, but particularly in winter. I no longer fear hell, as I’ve spent a winter in Philadelphia, training on my ride bike. Each of those alone is bad, but the combination borders on lethal.
All of you who’ve tried it, know that riding in the winter generally sucks — that’s not exactly breaking news. To survive any ride longer than about 10 minutes, you need to invest almost as much time getting dressed as you do on the actual ride – if you aren’t sweating by the time you walk your bike to the door (you’re not one of those animals who keeps their bike in the garage, are you? If so, may the Lord have mercy on your soul), you are underdressed.
No matter what you do, you’re going to be cold. Overdress and you’ll be basting in your own sweat on each climb, like a skinny, nerdy, weirdo-shaved leg version of one of those new trendy crockpots, and this preponderance of perspiration will then make you freeze shortly thereafter. Conversely, if you’ve adorned yourself like it is still September, with nothing more than toe covers and a windbreaker that offers the heat retention of a Kleenex, you’re obviously going to be cold from the get-go. Even if you’ve done everything perfectly and nailed the outfit, the weather doesn’t change, and some passing A-hole motorist doesn’t soak with you with filthy, pathogen-rich, Philly road sludge, I defy you to show me a man, woman, or child, who can head out on a sub-zero day and not be miserable after two hours on a road bike. It’s impossible.
Emergency Speedo: Come to Alaska, hear the Speedo story.
On a mountain bike however, it’s Speedo time. Whether it’s the “Emergency Speedo,” primarily reserved only for active duty on Eagle Glacier, or your tried-and-true, daily ball bag, you need look no further than the embarrassing- and stigma-filled men’s swimwear section of your local sporting goods store for everything you’ll need all winter. Yes, the differences between mountain and road are actually that pronounced.
Since we’ve now clearly established that only the mentally ill, sadomasochists, and those with nothing worthwhile to live for, will be out riding the road, and since we know that you’re smart (after all, you are reading MY column, so we know that you’re part of the solution, not part of the problem), I think we can therefore say with a high degree of confidence that you’ll be riding the trails in the winter. You’re welcome.
The one problem that riding your mtb in the dark does present though, is that it is, well … dark. And that’s ummmm … a problem.
Wow, this is a long way to go to make a case for two lights, but we are already on Day 10 people and I don’t know how the hell I’m going to spend my time for the next 350 days without espousing my technical, cultural, and political views, so I’ll be damned if I’m going to go without a fight.
OK, since you’re not a complete fool, A.) You voted, B.) Not for Trump, C.) You are now going to be more engaged politically than ever before, D.) You don’t ride your road bike in the winter (if you live where it is cold, which of course begs that question, how many skiers live someplace where it isn’t cold in the winter, but I digress…), E.) You do ride your mountain bike (if you can’t ski, that is), F.) You understand enough about optics to grasp the fact that it is dark at night, G.) You accept the fact that riding at night without lights is a problem, H.) You are in the business of solving problems (Hey, it’s what you do), I.) You live by the cardinal rule of endurance athletics, “If some is good, more is better,” J.) You are ready to apply this to lighting systems, and K.) You now finally realize that you do indeed new two lights on your mountain bike. Whew, we made it.
Should I tell you why? Do you have enough left in you? Don’t forget, we ARE on Day 10… complain all you want about this wandering train of thought, but you’re going to miss me for the next 350 days. Mark my words.
OK, OK, let’s do this: two lights on a bike is essentially the difference between monocular and binocular vision. In the latter, you have greatly improved depth of field, contrast, and depth perception, as well as greatly reduced shadowing, ghosting (not the cool-way-to-leave-a-party-without-being-seen thing, or the Scooby Doo-villain-thing either), and pimpage (for those of you who don’t want to cram pimpage).
The key to making this work and optimizing all of the advantages just listed, is to mount one light on your bars and the other on your helmet. The beams on good lights are now broad enough so that these two unique sources will overlap nicely, therein offering all the advantages described above. Very pro. And don’t forget, you also have TWICE as much light, so the advantages of this setup are more than exponential.
Hockey helmet strap
That covers you seeing. What about you being seen? To answer that question, let’s drift back to the issue of the complete flaming lunatics that are even considering heading out with only one light: you have two basic options here: mount the light on your bars or mount the light on your helmet. Both options have their advantages. Mounting the light on your bars provides the most even lighting, as your bars are more stable than your helmet, even if you’re not rockin’ “Hockey Helmet”, with your chin strap dangling like a frayed clothes line in a meth lab trailer park.
The helmet mount allows you to look over at the idiot texting while also trying to pull out of Whole Foods lot, in a largely futile hope that this ridiculous amount of stimulation and retina-burning light will momentarily jar him to at least briefly glance at the road; sometimes that’s all you need.
This DWC (Double Whammy Combination) is the best way to check all of the boxes for safety and visibility. You’ve also got backup in case you’ve goofed up your charging regimen or have some type of mechanical. And you’ve got more light than a tanning booth.
As I teased at the start, the Wilma has 3,200 lumens of power. That’s more than ten times as much as the Petzl. If you took my advice (which you always should) after the headlamp review and purchased the Piko, smart move. Running this Piko/Wilma combo will give ya 1,800 “up top” and another 3,200 on the bars, for a mind-blowing total of 5,000 lumens. Life doesn’t get any better than that. I know, I know, it’s a lot of money, but if you are going to regularly ride trails all winter, it’s totally worth it. After all, is there anything more important than you being happy? I didn’t think so.
Mavic Pro Drone: FBD pick for over $300FBD’s namesake found trailside on a ski tie
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I am a sexy, sexy man. I love the sound of my own voice, the sight of my own name (see photo at right), and most certainly pics of me in action anywhere and everywhere (and thanks to U.S. Ski Team member, Casey Larson, my selfie game is now STRONG). Let’s be clear here, too — I don’t do all of this for me, I do it for all of you — I feel like I owe it everyone to share this gifts. What can I say, I’m a giver.
It should therefore come as no surprise that I am completely enthralled with the DJI Mavic Pro drone. It is simply amazing. It lets me get incredible shots of my favorite subject, me, and much, much more.
One of the things that has gotten me very far in life is while I am incredibly talented (look no further than any of these amazing reviews), I am also quite self aware and have excellent visibility into my weaknesses. My buddy Zach Caldwell LOVES to point out even the most minor indiscretion in my ski preparation and while often nit-picky, he has a fair point: I’m not a great ski tech.
In another publication for which I write, SlowTwitch, I recently made a video on how to convert a swim erg into a ski erg. As I noted in that text, my construction skills are probably about average, or as I put it in the article, “To do some level-setting here, I’m probably right about in the middle of the handyman spectrum: I have buddies who’ve built their own houses and I have friends who are bewildered as to how a toaster works — I am somewhere in-between. I have a decent set of tools and moderate experience with all of them, yet I’m also not above using my screwdriver handle as a hammer from time to time, in particular if it saves me a trip up and down the pesky stairs to the basement (don’t lie, we’ve all been there, I just own it).”
So that’s me. What’s my point? I know when my skillz aren’t up to snuff and unlike the typical D-bag, Philly meathead who will drive around for an hour, refusing to admit that he’s lost (or voted for Trump, or got his ass kicked on a race to the top of the gondola), I will ask for the help of a professional when I need it. And I need help with getting drone footage.
This column is all about recommending gear that is the best for any given application and this is a responsibility that I take very seriously, in particular since it is MY name on the byline. Since the ultimate goal is accurate, unbiased recommendations, though, I am not afraid to bring in experts. For most dudes in Philly, they view this as a weakness — they’d rather lie and get it wrong (just another reason to dislike Philly, but don’t get me started on that, as we’ll be here all day); I’d much rather ask for help and get it right.
I did do my fair share of testing and I did give it the ol’ college try to get amazing footage. And to be clear, we had some near misses. For example, I was all ready to fire up some incredible footage of the SuperTour races in West Yellowstone, but it turns out that you actually need a permit for operating these things in National Parks. Who knew? (I think you can most assuredly guess who did not know this and who was briefly in hot water).
My next swing and miss came at the FIS Nordic Combined Continental Cup races in my beloved Steamboat, Colorado. I was also ready to crush it here with several life-changing “edits,” (as the kids say), but I was needed on course to assist the U.S. Ski Team and I decided that it was in the best overall interest of our community if we had kick-ass results in the race (which we did), as opposed to killer drone footage of the race (which we don’t).
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, tons of amazing videos already exist, so instead of me butchering the capabilities of this fine device, I am going to turn it over to my trusty, engineering nerd sidekick Jordan Rapp to show just how incredibly this thing can shoot:
There is no dearth of other “randos” out there killing it either — do a quick search on the Google machine and you’ll find tons of breathtaking edits like this.
So now back to one of the many areas in which I excel: annoying my patient readers with colorful yet often inappropriate, rambling anecdotes on gear usage and performance. Since this drone was a loaner, my first concern was that I’d crash it and then therefore have to buy it. Thankfully, this did not happen.
Yes, you do need to read the instructions and since I was a bit more worried about crashing, I went so far as to watch a few “How To” vids on the Internets, something that I strongly recommend for you. I’d much rather watch other idiots crash their drone into powerlines than be that idiot. So with a very minimal investment on your part, you can “get the bird in the air” with relative ease. Do check out any local restrictions on flying it though, as apparently that isn’t entirely uncommon these days. Be smart, too — practice in BIG, OPEN, FIELDS before you attempt to document your Alley Cat race in Brooklyn.
Once your skills are on point, you can even use this sucker for amazing indoor still-shots.
Once you’re ready to take off the training wheels (er, wings?), you’re ready for prime time. Thankfully, most nordic skiing takes place in venues with somewhat limited obstacles, as by definition you are on trails. Once you are an accomplished pilot, you can fly on more wooded trails, but I advise you to proceed here with great caution. This drone has some super-slick, obstacle-avoidance features, but the absolute best obstacle avoidance feature is competent piloting, so don’t duck into the thick, twisty woods until you really have your act together. You’ve been warned.
With all of those caveats duly noted, let’s talk about why this system is so good for nordic skiing. It almost goes without saying that skiing is one of the most technical athletic pursuits. I know World Cup skiers who have literally been doing this their entire lives at the very highest levels and even they still obsess about technique. So regardless of where you are on the learning curve, it’s safe to say that you still have more to learn (which, when you think about it, is part of the challenge. If you didn’t care about technique, you’d just race and bike and I think we’ve already covered the type of people who do that). The problem is how to do this: sure, you want to improve, but how?
Good coaching is seemingly always in short supply, in particular if you are like me and you are verbally abusive to the people nice enough willing to help you (what can I say, I have issues). Attitudes like mine mean a lot of time alone. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though, as you can learn a lot by watching how you ski. And, if you are fortunate enough to have qualified people review your videos, well, the sky’s the limit (I mean this literally, too, for if you don’t pay attention, you will fly your drone off into the sky).
If you’re not a completely self-absorbed narcissist (like me), you can also use this tool to help others, whether this be in a coaching or even parental capacity. As noted above though, PLEASE practice before you bring your drone down to the local race and do your homework with race officials, evil park overlords, and anyone else who might get pissed with a drone buzzing about — capturing races and training with the Mavic Pro is nothing short of extraordinary, just use good judgment.
This is probably my favorite item on all of the lists this year — this thing kicks ass.
I’m sure it comes as no surprise to all of you that I’m an amazing human. You’ve read the stories, you’ve seen the selfies and of course, you are appropriately impressed, but wait, there’s more. Did you know that I turn these columns around in a day? It’s true. While much of the gear testing starts severals weeks or even months in advance, the actual writing generally happens the night before deadline after a few Lime-A-Ritas.
I’m bringing his up because I had this column all set to go to press when none other than Olympic biathlete and savant barista Jeremy Teela texted me to brag about his new espresso machine. Yup, that’s right, the same Teela that can’t work my simple, drip coffee maker threw down three thousand dollars to not be able to make coffee at his house. And this was too good a story to not report in more detail.
Actually, there are several burning reasons why I feel compelled to include a $3,000 coffee machine — the first and most obvious of which is I don’t think you can put a price on how hilarious it will be to watch Teela unsuccessfully wrestle with this device. He just got it last night and I am literally giving very serious thought to driving over there today, even though it is a five-hour trip. I am convinced that it will be worth it.
Next is, some of you may actually be thinking about one of these things: I know I consider this every time I have someone make coffee with this for me, but as soon as someone competent like Jordan Rapp reminds me of what is involved, that is usually the end of the debate for me until that is, the next time someone offers me one of these uber cups of coffee (to be clear, ‘uber,” as in slang expression for cool or super, as opposed to “Uber,” in a creepy, criminal, you-really-suck-at-running-your-business type of way).
I also fully understand and acknowledge that very few of you are likely seriously considering this purchase, but like the trip to the Olympics, the $8,000 biathlon rifle and a few other “home runs,” I know a few of you really are considering these items and as always, I’m here to help.
I’m going to come full-circle (well, it’s suppose it’s really more linear, if you want to be TECHnical (damn, I am good at this)) here as I’ve said THIS before and I’ll say it again, my readers are smart. And smart people do cool shit — they read interesting books, the have well-thought out points of view, they can carry on intelligent conversations on a wide variety of topics, and some of them, though certainly not all of them, like fancy coffee machines.
It is also very important to note that I’m not doing the testing here, Teela is, and God only knows what is going to happen there. In all fairness, he does claim that he did his due diligence in research and as much as I hate to admit it, while Teela most certainly is a kook, he actually can be quite smart (in certain, VERY LIMITED areas, of which espresso machines MAY be one, I’ll tell you in a week or so), so who knows, this might actually be a good product — who the hell knows.
But, if you are one of the three people in the studio audience pondering buying one of these counter-hogging monstrosities/money pits, hell, maybe you should consider buying this one. If you do, and by some stroke of luck you, unlike Teela, actually figure out how to use it, HMU — I’d love to cruise over for a cup of coffee.
If you are interested in this machine, DM me, as there is no way in hell that Teela will be able to use this correctly, so it will most likely be on Craig’s List very soon.
Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. See also: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7 | Day 8
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Day 9: Travel
Travel. Ah, travel. It’s how we get to places for skiing (unless you are incredibly fortunate enough to have skiing right in your backyard, in which case, count your blessings), racing, business trips (for some) and I suppose, from time to time, even normal person stuff. Even on its best day, when you are going to do something cool, in a place that’s cool, travel sucks. And it seems to only be getting worse.
Air travel is now a glorified bus ride, only with less personal space and substantially less dignity. I’d rather do a stint in solitary confinement in a Mexican prison than fly cross-country in the middle seat on a budget airline. Long gone are the days in which men wore suits, women dresses, and flight attendants were not quietly plotting to slit your throat. Thanks to deregulation, fare wars and real wars, air travel has devolved into people in body fluid-caked sweat pants screaming obscenities in-between bites of a soggy, flaccid-looking Wendy’s burgers that they got after a 30-minute wait on Concourse C. The Viet Cong treated people better than the modern air travel experience.
So what’s a girl to do? Drive? That’s for suckers and the Griswold family.
Ride your bike? I rode my bike across the country several years ago and while it was awesome, it’s probably not the most time-efficient manner of travel, in particular in the winter. And that was before cell phones, so nowadays, thanks to distracted drivers, you’d probably be dead within 50 miles of your house.
Walk? We’re not far from this being your best option.
Thankfully, all is not lost, it just so happens that your boy FBD is a seasoned, cagey, travel ninja. Yup, I know all of the tips, tricks and secrets, and since I now consider anyone who has held on this long in our wonderful wordy and worldly journey together this year to be family (in the sense that I will be avoiding all of you for the holidays, and those of you that I will be forced to interact with, I will only do so with the crutch of liquor), I am going to share with you how to survive a flight in this day and age without wanting to either kill yourself, or my secret fantasy, murder every single one of the inconsiderate, loud, clueless idiots that will be rubbing their exposed leg blubber up against you for the next 5 hours.
Because yours truly is a bit of a science nerd (well, a LOT of a science nerd), I did some research on these life savers. And no Virginia, not only is there not a Santa Claus (like Trump’s view on climate change: he’s an elaborate myth, perpetrated by the Chinese), but there’s also not just one level of hearing protection with these little foam beauties. In fact, not only are there varying degrees of protection, but thanks to the Noise Reduction Rating (NRR), you can receive a quantitative assessment of the noise reduction properties of all brands, therein making comparisons to different companies quite simple.
The main focus of this article today is on noise reduction for sleeping on airplanes, but many of these same principles and recommendations apply to all of you shooters out there (people shooting guns, not taking shots), or anyone regularly exposed to loud noises, whether occupationally or environmentally.
Along these lines, it is important to note that good foam ear plugs can actually offer superior noise protection to the big, clunky, over-ear, wannabe DJ headphone dealies. I realize that there are applications for which those may be preferable, but if you’re looking for the best hearing protection/noise abatement possible, don’t assume that just because you have a larger, more complicated and expensive system, that it’s better. It may, in fact, be worse. What? (oldie but goodie, hearing joke from elementary school where I continue to spend the bulk of my time intellectually)
But again, today we’re talking about sleeping on an airplane, in loud hotels, or maybe even, in an environment that we like to call, “Rock Bottom”. Please let me add that I hope to God than none of you are ever forced to endure the indignity of sharing a bed with Josh under any circumstances. Thankfully for all of you, I am having a hard time envisioning a scenario in which this problem could present itself, as Josh has very few friends, so the possibility of him having to go anywhere other than places to annoy me, is probably quite small. So you can breathe easy. Or easier, for sadly, as we all know, there are lots of “Josh Smullins” out there. Please allow me to get philosophical for a moment, aren’t we really all battling our own “Josh Smullins” in life? It’s like a very twisted, perverse Zombie Apocalypse, only with vicious, demanding nordic coaches, who are never satisfied with your arm angle at the finish, no matter how hard you try….
The point here is that when God decides to punish you for the time you rounded your over-distance ski up three minutes to an even, three hours in your training log, when WE ALL KNOW that you only skied for 2 hours and 57 minutes, and you are forced to interact your very own Josh Smullin, you need to create as powerful and effective a sensory depravation tank as modern technology will allow.
The best way to do this is to start with a pair of Hearos Foam Earplugs. Ridiculously inexpensive at about 26 cents a pair, these earplugs have the highest NRR of any earplug or earmuff. That’s right, these 26-cent pieces of foam are more effective than highly rated, $75 earmuffs. And they are more comfortable. Way more comfortable.
With highly expandable foam, I can’t imagine an ear canal either too big or too small to achieve a good fit. This is important though, as some lower-quality earplugs can have fit issues, therein greatly reducing their effectiveness. (See graph below)
So let’s recap: 26 cents each, the most-effective and cheapest product available, and it is a tremendously effective aid in helping you sleep. Please tell me again why you don’t have already have these?
One hundred pairs for $26. You’d be crazy not to buy these. Hell, I’d gladly pay 100x this amount to forever silence all crying babies on airplanes. I’m getting myself worked up just thinking about this, let’s move on.
I wasn’t kidding when I said we were building the ultimate FU J-Smu Sensory Depravation Tank, or FUJSSDT (pronounced ‘Fooo-Ju-Sen-So-Do-Too), as we say around the shop. Thanks to our saviors over at Hearos, we can now no longer hear J-Smu (and if they can keep me from hearing Smullin, they really are heroes in my book). Now we’re getting somewhere.
Next comes the problem of light — more specifically, how to get rid of it. Or to be technical, block it (hold those letters please, you physical-science geeks {we all know that the biological sciences RULE the hallowed halls of intellectual superiority. And please don’t even get me started on those computer-science trolls.})
An appropriately sized antimatter chamber entombing your eyes and/or skull might be complicated, as would the proper placement of a Black Hole (easy, people…), so my advice is to go with the FBD favorite, the Dream Essentials Escape Luxury Travel and Sleep Mask.
Vastly superior to the thin, crappy eye masks that the airlines give you, this mask is substantially thicker and wider, so only is the coverage superior, but the mask has two, recessed cavities, so your dainty little Bambi eyes won’t be molested with the vulgar grind of cotton on their precious lids. Best $20 you’ll ever spend, well, next to the Hearos.
On the other hand, getting the sleep eye mask that makes it look like you think you’re a cat, has the tremendous upside of essentially guaranteeing that no one will mess with you while you’re asleep, as you’ll look certifiably insane. And flights attendants may perhaps regularly leave you saucers of milk. People may also refer to you with a derogatory slang term for a cat, but you’re a nordic skier, so you should be used to that by now: remember, you walk into the coffee shop in tights and a fanny pack filled with Gatorade — there’s nothing that you haven’t heard.
Coming from a long line of scientists and engineers, I was probably destine for a career in science: whether it was the chemistry set I received at age 5, the trips to the Museum of Science in Industry in Chicago, or days building rockets and RC planes, science was in my blood (but NOT my DNA. Stop saying that, you corporate D-bags. “Customer service,” or “integration,” or whatever the hell else you wrote in your weekend mission-statement-writing retreat at the Four Seasons is NOT in your DNA. You know what is most likely in your corporate DNA? Greed and stupidity, so stop repeating this clapped-out expression. It does not make you look smart, insightful or clever. It makes it look like what it is — you are yet another corporate lackey, mindlessly parroting something he heard from an overpriced consultant.)
Wow, where was I? Oh yes, my beloved science. For anyone even half-heartedly paying attention over the last few months (that’s how long this year’s column has been running, a few months, right?), it shouldn’t come as any surprise that one of my favorite gifts as a child remains something near and dear to my heart — a Fisher Space Pen. Founded in 1948, this American company has been producing high-quality writing implements for astronauts, field biologists, and anyone working in outdoor or difficult conditions.
Wait, a PEN? All of the cool gear out there in the world and one of the selections to make the coveted FBD list is a frickin’ pen? Yup. Hang in there with me people. First of all, every good executive should always have a pen. Hell, even sh*tty workers should have pens — you know why? To write sh*t down. Numerous research studies on memory and cognition have convincingly shown that writing things down greatly increases retention and recall. So to be safe, every one of you should be rewriting each and every one of these columns by hand. And to do this, you’re going to need a good pen.
Next, I’ve spent my fair share of time in World Cup wax cabins and testing skis and every good tech not only has a pen and notebook, but guess where they’re taking notes? That’s right, out in wet, crappy conditions. And this is where this pen really hits its stride – writing on all sorts of surfaces in all sorts of weather. Whether you are jotting down which wax/grind combo is really running, or leaving a death threat on the windshield of the D-bag who parked you in at Whole Foods, a reliable pen is key. And this pen is not only reliable, but it will write on essentially any surface.
As for specifically which pen you should get, I tested two and loved them both. The first, the Clutch Pen, was designed for oil-rig workers, so you’d better believe it can handle jotting down which grind is running. It’s easy to hold, even with gloves, writes beautifully in the wet (which will come in handy should it ever snow again), and will write on almost any surface, so when you lose your notebook, you can makes notes about your favorite top coat combinations on just about anything.
The second, the Trekker, is smaller and more portable with a built-in key ring, so it is perfect for travel in your drink belt, race bag, or trying to survive at the bottom of a coach’s wax box, nestled between a broken pencil, a puddle of WD40, and an empty can of WD40 with a broken nozzle.
Pwolfgang keeps his handy at all times so he can make notes like, “Dear Pwolfgang, do not forget to eat an entire dozen raw eggs tomorrow. FBD just bought new carpet, so that’s probably the best place to do this as well. Love, Pwolfgang”No caption necessary for this one.With the addition of the pen, Pwolfgang has decided to try to completely reinvent himself
You’re not going to go wrong with either model, but I’d get the small Trekker if you want something primarily for ski testing and travel, and the larger, Clutch, if you also want to use it in civilian life. You can also do custom engraving, which is perfect if you love yourself even half of much as I love me, as I never tire of seeing my own name.
Gore Bike Wear One 1985 GTX Shakedry Jacket (men’s): FBD pick for $100-$299When you have a jacket that is this packable yet still completely waterproof, you know you have a winner
This may seem like a bit of a non-sequitur, but hang in there with me here — this is an amazing jacket. Its primary target usage is cycling, but it works equally well as a running jacket, or perhaps most importantly, why is fits so nicely in this category (see what I did there), is that it is one of the better, if not the best, “Wear on the street without looking like some Wannabe Euro Cycling Fanboy).
Don’t get me wrong, first and foremost, it’s an amazing cycling jacket: it is very light and very packable, so it is my go-to “just in case” jacket all summer in Steamboat, where unexpected thunderstorms can sneak in with surprisingly speed and regularity. But I particularly love the fact that it can easily transition from morning run, to a few hours on the train, to, if I’d played my cards right, a nice p.m. cruise on my bike through the Swiss Alps. Part of being a travel ninja is being able to multipurpose all of your garments, so nothing makes the cut for the FBD overseas travel bag without being able to wear lots of hats. Except for, well, hats, which by definition, are already hats. Are you guys still with me? I hope so.
These bad boys are like Stanley Cup champion goal scorers, they are double-shifting and hitting all of their shots. Probably most obviously, as their name clearly implies, these are headphones that cancel out noise — no breaking news there. Also implicit in that moniker is assumption that they also play music. Check. These are all good things. But ready to turn it up a notch, to 11? You can “stack” (as the Philly meathead lifters like to say) these with Hearos for very restful slumber. That’s right — insert Hearos foam ear plugs into your ears, put the Bose noise-cancelling headphones into position, pop an Ambien, wash it down with two “Makers, rocks,” and next thing you know, it’s presto-chango, “Hello, Tokyo.” Sure, you’ll also likely wake up naked, in homemade handcuffs and leg restraints fashioned out of duct tape, shoe laces, and braided toilet paper, for your “incident” atop the drink cart, but hey, at least you are well-rested.
Get the fancy Bose ones too: not only is the noise-cancelling better than Beats By Dre, but come on, you’re a mid-life crisis, white bread, Type-A Master Blaster aerobic machine. Act your age. Who do you think you are, Chuck D? (Look it up, grandpa.)
Yeah, yeah, I know, probably not all that many of you out there are biathletes (we need to change that, as biathlon is awesome, but that’s a topic for another day). But, as noted in Day 6 on Kick-Ass Gear, nordic skiers tend to be generally quite outdoorsy folks who hike, camp, fish and hunt, so if you fall into the category of the latter, you’re going to want a good rifle case and Pelican cases are one of the best.
In addition to being incredibly impact-resistant, they are also waterproof (I hope to God that I never test this though). Having said that though, I had my checked bags soaked with deicing solvent a few years back, so this can indeed happen. Heaven forbid, should this even happen to you, this seems like one of those features that you’ll be REALLY glad that you have when the airline monkeys are spraying your rifle with noxious chemicals.
Along the lines of more normal usage, multiple layers of protective foam allow you to make custom cutouts so you rifle can neatly and gently rest inside a cocoon of comfort. It also looks super pro, which is nice when you are flying out of hellholes like Philadelphia, where everyone always wants to get up in your grill over sh*t that’s clearly none of their business, so looking like you could be a sniper or some special opps guy most definitely has its advantages. Ride this wave of uncertainty until you can enshroud yourself in your FUJSSDT.
Taking a trip to support some of our nation’s finest athletes at the pinnacle of international competition, the Olympics. What could possibly be more special and meaningful that than?
Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. Kicking the series off, recommendations for recovery gifts to keep you and your ski buddies on the trails and injury free. See also: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6
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Day 7: Nordic Tech
Since no one has more style, steez and flow than the FBD, we’re going to mix it up a bit today and bring in, for lack of a better expression, an expert guest speaker to help walk us through today’s gift suggestions for Nordic Tech. I actually tapped into two experts for today’s gift ideas, Nathan Schultz from Boulder Nordic Sport and Zach Caldwell from Caldwell Sport. Spoiler alert, the Colorado guy was super chill and low-key. The guy whose Twitter handle is @GrumpySkier, was, well, grumpy. And surly. And at times, just plain mean. But, since all of you are probably as tired of reading my labored prose as I am of producing it, I thought I’d offer up someone new about whom you can complain.
A few important points here:
For those of you out there who think I can dish it out, but can’t take it, you are in for a treat, as one of these so called experts comes at me pretty good. That’s OK though, I’m a big boy (especially “South of the Border,” if you know what I mean) and I can handle it. In fact, most of this doesn’t even count as abuse in Philadelphia, it’s called just a normal day.
Remember my quip on Friday about “special” people? Well, I swear to God that the comments that you will hear from Zach shorty were not staged because, A.), I would never lie to you people, I am too good a man and B.) if you know my boy Caldwell at all, you know that there was no way in hell that he would deliver this hilarious video on schedule, allowing it to be carefully reviewed and edited. Oh no, that would be too easy. Instead, Mr. Caldwell elected to sent it to me at 11:30 p.m., the night before publication (and the night in which I was leaving for the airport the next morning at 5 a.m. Awesome). The point here is that I had already published my column in which I refer to “special” people before he submitted this video. All of these events do, however, raise several serious questions about his time-management skills and most importantly, who really is the “special” one in this relationship.
Furthermore, I am greatly intrigued with Zach’s assertion that I take myself too seriously, as he clearly has not been following my earlier detailed descriptions on awkward and hopefully fictional encounters with my family physician regarding problems “downstairs,” allegedly related to dirty tractor seats and improper Speedo use. Does this sound like the work of a man, albeit a great, great man, taking himself too seriously? I’ll let you all decide, as I trust you people to do the right thing here.
Once you have drawn the correct and logical conclusion that Zach is clearly out of his mind, please send all angry comments to zach@CaldwellSport.com. Suggestions for the subject line include, but are not limited to: “FU Zach”, “FBD is a god”, or even “Leave Brittany Alone,” have we learned nothing from Anna Nicole Smith? I know it’s hard to see FBD as a human being, but trust me, he is. He’s a person. He’s like you or I. (Well, actually, much, much better, but you see my point).
So without further ado, we are now going to shift gears a little bit and depart from our wonderful, established format and let an angry Vermonter and my good buddy Zach Caldwell, take cheap shots at me while prattles on about how to properly tune skis.
Watch this video in its entirety, then find the links to all of the products shown in the categories below. Please note, as usual, I have better visibility on the nordic world than Zach does from his remote outpost in rural Vermont, so please don’t just listen to Zach’s demanding and bossy tone, as the other products listed here are also top notch, they’re just being presented with a little less fanfare, which is no way, shape or form is a reflection on their value or efficacy.
Don’t let Zach fool you on this, I have tested about 20 different models and I called HIM about this, since naturally he didn’t have it on his website (the things I do for that guy). Regardless of how much he badmouths it in the above video, since not all of us have relatives slaving away on a lathe to create custom tools for us, I think this groove scraper is the best one out there. As much as I can tell, so does Zach, I guess? Buy several, as everyone is going to borrow yours and never give them back.
(Note, these are also not yet available on the Caldwell Sport website, as apparently he needs to spend less time busting my balls and more time running his business. This tool is sweet though, so email Zach directly. Be sure to give him a hard time about not putting the products he is trying to sell in a place in where potential customers can actually purchases them. #Business101
This baby made the cut last year and is getting a rare “FBD retweet,” just because it is that good — it’s pretty rare that you can find an extremely high-quality product for under $10, so when you do, you get as much mileage out of that beast is possible. I mean, if you can’t spend $10 on someone’s gift, you probably shouldn’t be buying them a gift in the first place.
It has two beveled edges that peel away kick wax quickly and effectively and it is small enough to fit almost anywhere, in particular in your new wax box (more on that in a minute). It will change your kick-waxing life. Really.
Remember my assessment on Friday of coffee nerds? Well, move over coffee losers, as there’s a new sheriff in town, and he’s saying things like, “All professionals prefer a 3 mm scraper width.” How you can utter a phase such as that while maintaining even a shred of dignity is beyond me, but I don’t have a shirt that says, “You’re doing it wrong”, so what the hell do I know? Baller shirt, too, by the way: look for those in next year’s 12 DOFBD.
As for the thicker scraper and how to properly scape ski sidewalls, oh my God, could a person possibly be more patronizing? I can’t believe I let this guy grind my precious skis, as YES ZACH, I know to use the side of the scraper. You see the sh*t that I have to deal with, people?
Having said that, please also let the record note that I did buy the 5 mm scraper, as it does in fact work better for ski “technicians” of my very limited aptitude. DEMAND that he send you one with the custom FBD logo though, as this are already a collectors item. If he says no at first, just keep asking: he likes that.
Holmenkol Natural Wax Fluid is a truly “universal” wax for all snow types and temperatures. This wax not only performs well in the cold (unlike most universal waxes), it is made from sustainable sources (no petrochemicals) and is 100-percent biodegradable. Application is easy with an integrated sponge applicator and polishing felt. Use it for training or on waxless skis tip to tail to improve glide and protect the bases.
Also a great way to travel wax when when you are leaving from the venue with your hair on fire, you have 60 minutes to catch your flight at an airport that is 70 minutes a way and there isn’t an iron in sight. This magic goo got the FBD race fleet home safe and sound from Switzerland last year after Master Blaster Worlds and I never leave home without it. That is, when I remember it. #NotAlwaysThatPro
Have I told you how much I hate it when Zach is right about something, anything? Ironically, for a race just a few weeks ago, I had a few of the very knowledgeable people who Zach name-checks at the end of his hate-rant video prep my race skis with this product, and the skis were fast. How fast? Two podiums fast. If you buy them and don’t podium, call Zach, as he loves to field calls like this and he’s a very, very lonely man.
On a related note, if you send your skis in to him for a new grind (which you definitely should), please be sure to also demand that he return your skis with the EXACT SAME skis ties you send out. If you receive any other ski ties than the ones that you shipped, as always, keep calling until he finally returns the correct ones.
Star Liquid Paraffin Waxes (50 ml spray bottle. Each bottle is good for 15+ pairs of skis):
This was featured at 6:29 in the video and is also a personal FBD favorite. I don’t know what else to say here — use it, don’t use it, but I like it and Zach likes it, so take that for what it’s worth. I’m guessing that my recommendation carries more weight than Zach’s, mainly because I weight more than Zach and that’s just simple physics people. Either way, it’s a nice brush.
This might be more than many of you are willing to pay for a groove scraper, but it IS really nice, especially for ski brands with wider grooves. It is simple but unbelievably effective.
And before anyone gets all huffy about the price, this thing is bomber. It has two different diameter aluminum cylinders that never dull at either end of a solid plastic handle and it removes wax so well it will shock you the first time you use it.
SkiGo HF High Fluor Glider (45g): FBD pick for $30-$99
Universal wax is ubiquitous in the ski world, but previously its performance has generally been only good enough for recreational skiers looking for a simple solution. SkiGo has shattered that barrier with a truly “universal” racing wax. Available in HF and LF versions, SkiGo Universal wax is a high-quality racing wax that works well in aggressive cold snow AND warm, wet, soft snow. Many teams use it in all conditions as a reliable base layer and focus their energies on testing powders and topcoats instead of paraffin layers. The LF version ($70, 200g) is a great training wax and also good for wax standards in races that are LF-limited. HF Universal ($80, 45g) is an excellent racing synthetic paraffin. -18C/0F to +5C/41F.
Let’s assume that you’re drinking the Kool-Aid and you are going to get styled out with the latest and greatest swag shown here. How the hell are you going to get all of this crap to races? As usual, *I*, NOT ZACH, have you covered. Toko just released this amazing Soft Wax box and it is da bomb. It’s just the right size to transport essentially everything you need to your next local, national or even international race, yet it is also perfect for your bench at home. Load’er up once with all of the crap Zach is droning on about and boom, all of your problems are solved. Well, all of your waxing problems.
After seeing that terribly mean-spirited video and reading just these few short item descriptions, I’m sure you can imagine how much it pains me to admit that Zach is right about not one, but two things, but what the hell, here we go: I bought this brush from him last year and even with the hurtful, tech-shaming sticker, and his most-recent, very unnecessary, spiteful commentary, this is without a doubt my favorite brush. I use it to groom the Great Dane, my hair (head, back and “elsewhere”) and promise to some day try it on my skis.
Like every good nordic skier, I am a glutton for punishment: I do intervals with elite skiers, knowing full well that they are going to destroy me, yet I somehow feel the need to make myself miserable anyway. I ask some of the most hyper-critical coaches in the sport for technical feedback on my skiing, knowing full well that it will be delivered with searing sarcasm and bitting commentary, and perhaps worst of all, I somehow think it is a good idea to post another one of Zach’s videos, again, knowing full-well that I am going to take an absolute beating:
Zach does a pretty good job describing how this system works and why you should have it, and thusly I only have a few things to add, the first one of which is by far the most salient. When I was staying at Zach’s house just a few years ago, I asked him when he didn’t use Roto brushes. I’ve spent my fair share of time in World Cup wax cabins (as a matter of fact, I just did so this past weekend), so I’ve seen some of the best techs in the world prep skis. Almost 100 percent of them use Roto brushes. Sure, they are usually preparing lots of skis in a short period of time, but their ultimate goal is fast skis, so those guys follow whatever protocol yields the best possible outcome. This means using Roto brushes almost exclusively.
Armed with this knowledge, I asked Mr. Perfect a few years ago during my stay in Putney which one I should get. His response? “Goddamnit, FBD, you don’t need those stupid things, regular brushes are much better.” Ah, how the tables have turned … it’s been a wonderful journey watching the student become the master. Confronted about this very point yesterday via what was I’m sure a very painful phone conversation for him, he confessed, “Yeah, I was anti-roto for a while, but I have come around. Part of this is because drills are now much better, as are the Roto systems. Yes, I wasn’t that into them before, but this is my ‘must-have’ for this season.” All fair points.
I’ll even cut Zach a lille slack on this (very little) and allow for the possibility that he was correct on both occasions, as the technology has come a long way. What this means to you, is if you are also a stodgy Vermonter, or Midwesterner, or whateverner, and are one of those, “We never used those back in my day….” type of people, that’s OK, you probably did have a valid point “back in the day,” but the technology has improved significantly across the board in all aspects of the system and you can now produce better skis, with less effort, and in less time. I think that’s a winning formula for skiers at all levels.
If you’re a guy like me to loves skiing, but hates working on his skis (and is terrible at it, though not nearly as terrible Zach is laying out), this is a slam dunk, as I am out of the fume-choked garage faster than even, doing what I truly enjoy — skiing — on skis that are faster than ever.
If you’re into the tech side of the sport, you are even crazier if you don’t take the plunge, as ZC has about 50 combinations of brushes, felts, steels, cottons, tweeds, licorice, and other crazy compounds, diameters, durometers, and all of that crap, therein allowing you to lock yourself in your garage away from your annoying family for longer periods of time than ever before. Everyone wins. Your poor family doesn’t have to listen to your disjointed, rambling theories on the under-appreciated value of a good structure tool and you don’t have to listen to whatever the hell it is that normal people talk about these day. I literally have no idea, as about 99 percent of my conversations ultimately come back to structure tools for some strange reason.
As to how you execute this transaction, you can stick a toe in the water, wade in, or dive in head first to the deepest water that you can find. As you all know, I’m of the belief that is something is worth doing, it’s worth doing well (not to mention the fact that there’s no such thing as going too far), so my advice is to not just dive in, but go full “Acapulco Cliff diver” on this mo-fo and get the big-daddy set. That’s what I did and I don’t regret it for one second. Sure, I probably won’t use most of the attachments, and yes, the ones I do use I will most likely do so incorrectly, but I’ll have the best, and that makes me happy. Since I’ve been marooned in Philadelphia for WAY too long, I’ll also derive a perverse amount of satisfaction from knowing that I have a better set than most of you (in more ways than one). I know this is wrong, and this is most certainly not something that I am proud of, but it’s true.
Sure, you can chintz out if you want to and not go with the “professional package” (insert your own ‘package’ joke here), but don’t come crying to me when everyone at laughing at you behind your back as the guy with the incomplete Roto brush set. I have nightmares over stuff like that and I would hate to see this indignity befell you.
Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. Kicking the series off, recommendations for recovery gifts to keep you and your ski buddies on the trails and injury free. See also: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4| Day 5
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Day 6: Kick-Ass Gear
There is gear and then there is kick-ass gear. You know what I’m talking about — that backpack that you got in college, have taken all over the world, and is still going strong? Those skis that always seem to do well in testing despite getting “a little long in the tooth.” Your lucky “windies,” the wind briefs that have help guide you to many a race win? The list goes on and on. Part of what elevates gear to this elite status is literally years of high performance and reliability, but hey, ya gotta to start somewhere, so in today’s installment of this seemingly pointless, rambling series, I am highlighting some of my personal favorites that I think have the potential to “go the distance” and end up on the coveted FBD all-star gear list.
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Under $30
While some of you lesser-informed readers may have pigeon-holed me (and please NOT in the Urban Dictionary fashion, as it is hard enough keeping my car clean as it is) as a high-maintenance, metrosexual pretty boy who wouldn’t dirty his hands with anything that’s not carbonfibre (yes, the snobby, arrogant Euro spelling is by design), made in Europe (preferably Switzerland for watches, Germany for cars and France for skis), or only available through my Skull-and-Bones-style network of elite illuminati, and quite frankly, in most instances you would be correct. What can I say, I like nice stuff.
But, did you know that there is also a hard-scrabble, man-of-the-people, street-smart side of FBD, capable of living for weeks at a time in a secluded cabin in remote Montana, living off the land, with only his acerbic wit and quick thinking to keep him alive? It’s true. This wily veteran of minimalist living can survive for minutes or perhaps even hours without concierge service, Whole Foods and his own private ski technician (well, maybe days in the case of the latter example, as my lanky ass was getting in “mad k’s,” as the kids say. For the uninformed, I’m not talking about losing your temper in K-Mart, I’m referring to skiing long distances in many consecutive sessions. Don’t worry, this confused me for the first few years that I heard it too.)
So with these caveats and conditions duly noted, it is with great pleasure that I offer today’s first suggestion, a sewing awl. No not an awl, as it, Awwww….SNAP, though that would be funny, (albeit hard to sell), no, rather an awl, as in a very utilitarian, gear-repair, ass-saving, sewing tool.
There is nothing fancy about the Speedy Stitcher sewing awl, but it is a life saver, certainly figuratively and perhaps even literally. While it is basically just a heavy gauge sewing needle, handle and thread, it is extremely well-designed, very heavy duty and very portable. If you are smart enough to bring it with you, it can tackle breakage problems that if not resolved, could be inconvenient in the best case and disastrous in the worst.
For example, I have used it to repair hiking boots way, way, way out in the middle of nowhere, a biathlon harness at 11 p.m. the night before a race in Granby, Colorado, a hard-case bike box strap that would have otherwise required replacing the entire case to the tune of $500, and a tent sidewall that my idiot friend kicked apart with his crampons after we SPECIFICALLY told him to not wear his crampons past the tent atrium? Why? Because kicking a hole in your tent in the middle of winter can have disastrous consequences, because it is cold in the mountains in the winter. (Why is it that every crew always has that stupid friend? Psychologists out there, please look into this and report back). And this is only a partial list.
Why is it that every adventure, team, or road trip always has “this guy?”
This amazing tool has been around since 1909 (with packaging that looks like it hasn’t changed since that time) and it can fix essentially any soft good, or in the very least give you a fighting chance of limping home. In some cases, in particular once you get good at sewing (and no, I’m not joking here), your field repair can last for years. I’ve been going strong on the bike-box strap repair that I made six years ago, with no end in sight. For this to apply to you though, take the time to read the instructions and properly learn how to sew.
I’m not kidding. It completely defeats the purpose of bringing this tool along (or any tool, for that matter), if you don’t know how to use it correctly. In fact, doing this make you an even bigger tool. So, with that said, buy it, learn how to use it, practice with it, and you’ll be amazed at how often it comes in handy. Seriously. I’ve probably make 2 – 5 repairs per year for the past 15 years on stuff that would otherwise have been ruined: winter gear, summer gear, dog gear, automotive gear, clothes, you name it. I absolutely love this thing.
$21.99 at Ace (the place with the helpful hardware man (sexist bastards))
This was on the list last year, it is in the list this year, and it will be on the list every year until the day I die, completely go off the deep end or am fired by FasterSkier in a blaze of glory (all of which could literally be moments away). This item is “a lock” on the list for the simple reason that it is an incredible cause. Yes, there are lots of great causes out there, nonprofits that benefit biomedical research, a wide variety of social programs, and even broader environmental concerns, but this is a ski publication, so while I certainly don’t want you to give any less to any of those other, very worthy issues, hopefully you can find it in your heart and your pocketbook to also support Protect Our Winters. You all know why, so no need to soapbox it any further here.
Do the right thing for as much as you can afford to give.
Or give it as a gift in the name of someone to stupid or stubborn to admit that climate change is a massive, massive problem. You know who you are.
Ah, coffee, the elixir of the gods. None of these columns would even be remotely possible without caffeine and I know I’m not alone here. Some of you might think that the absence of these columns might be a good thing, but deep down you know that you secretly love each and every one of these carefully chosen words.
In addition to this miracle compound of caffeine helping to lessen my urges to kill every moron who can’t seem to grasp the RIDICULOUSLY SIMPLE process of loading and unloading an airplane, it also has documented ergogenic properties. Chances are you will ski longer, harder and faster with the pre-rip Peet’s infusion. But wait, there’s more — it’s a great gateway for actually interacting with real, live humans in person (as opposed to over your phone) for the socially awkward, which in the nordic community, is just about all of you.
So if the thought of asking out a an actual, living, breathing female (not an avatar, emoji or whatever other weird digital analog the kids today have for real girls) to dinner immediately triggers your Cliff Clavin “hysterical blindness,” easing into a potential sexual encounter with the vastly less threatening offer to sit with a girl for 20 minutes at 3 in the afternoon on a Tuesday in an alcove by the cash registers at the grocery store may be for you.
Be forewarned however, the lure of faster race splits and perhaps even the tacit acknowledgements of an attractive member of the opposite sex is a bit risky, as once you “take a ride on the brown pony,” (there’s nothing sexual in this one, so get your mind out of the gutter, you perverts), there’s no going back. I’m talking about having a cup of coffee before you go skiing, as opposed to a life of heroin addiction. Regardless, all of you will want and some of you will NEED coffee in the morning. Driving to Starbucks each day is for housewives in Mercedes SUVs in affluent suburbs, so man-up (or “woman-up”) and make your own coffee.
As you all know, no one is lazier than the FBD, so I have the most streamlined and efficient coffee-preparation operation known to man. It is configured and mostly completed the night before, so when the morning rolls around, I’m on my way to coffee-pound town (again, nothing sexual here, you monsters, but probably best if you don’t Google this one) in a matter of minutes, if not seconds. Sure, my coffee machine in Steamboat has slain many the accomplished skier, but guys like Jeremy Teela gained notoriety from their skiing, not their deductive reasoning skills. And no, Teela never did figure out how to correctly operate that machine, whereas I, on the other hand, was victoriously sipping from an expresso at his house within seconds after exposure to his substantially more complicated machine. Hold that though. More on this later.
For whatever reason, probably because I enjoy spending time with interesting people, I somehow seem to gravitate to “coffee snobs.” Don’t get me wrong, they’re all great people, but without fail, almost all of them are willing to invest 2 – 3 hours each morning for the perfect cup of Joe. I, on the other hand, have no problem stopping at the gas station, if necessary, for my morning beverage of choice. That, and a nice cold glass of water, ah, that’s some fine living, people.
Case in point, my good buddy Jordan Rapp. Jordan is a professional triathlete: six-time Ironman winner, ITU long-distance world champion, and one of the most driven, determined baristas that I have ever met. In our travels across Europe this past summer, he brought approximately 500 lbs of gear, 450 of which I am convinced was involved in coffee preparation in some way, shape or form.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining here, far from it, as I love this situation — he does all of the work and I get to drink great coffee. Everyone wins. All of I have to do is carry 3/4 of all of his heavy crap through all of the train stations. Since FBD is a big, powerful, man, this seems like a fair trade.
So how does Princeton-educated engineer, Mr. Rapp, start this ridiculously involved and intricate process? With the Porlex Mini bean grinder. I’m not even going to bother to go into the theory on why you need to grind your own beans, because you’re either in this camp or you’re not. If you’re, “one of THOSE people,” you’ve already drank the Kool-Aid and you’re only going to get mad at me because no matter how thorough my explanation, I will undoubtedly leave out some key detail that you perceive to be crucial in this analysis. And if you’re on the other side of the fence, we’ll call this group, oh, I don’t know, “normal people,” well then you’re not going to start grinding your own beans simply based on some long-winded diatribe (in particular one from a smart-aleck nordic skier). For all of you people, MY people, I’ll see you at the gas station. Please try to not backwash the dirty carafe of two-day old muck that they call coffee, either, as I have intervals later and DADDY NEEDS SOME JUICE and I hate germs.
Back to the nerd group: whatever formidable childhood experience that fostered your now firmly cemented coffee OCD, you’d sooner die than prepare coffee with pre-ground beans, but you’re in Norway, preparing to race: now what? Are you sentenced to a life of eternal damnation with pre-ground beans? Not so fast, it’s J-Rapp to the rescue. JR doesn’t leave home without not just a portable coffee grinder, but also what he is convinced is THE BEST portable coffee grinder, the Porlex Mini. I have to confess, it did work well and the coffee was delicious, and he’s not alone, for as he was extolling the virtues of this system in an extremely long-winded soliloquy, being a fellow scientist, he naturally also had reams of research and supporting data, not to mention social feeds from two different World Cup racers also using the very same grinder, so as much as I hate to admit it, Jordan’s probably correct.
Here’s the best part, though. When I hit up Jordan to see if he’d make a funny video for me about using the grinder, he sent one back in 30 seconds. Not because he’s that fast at making videos (which he often is), but due to the fact that he had already made one. You know you are really committed to your coffee preparation when you are walking around with a video of you making coffee on your phone. Man, I love that dude.
https://vimeo.com/188432750
I personally would have liked to see more footage of my boy JR, just because he’s a super smart and funny dude, but mainly because he believes that my Great Dane is his spirit animal, which makes me laugh every time of think of it. Please note, too, he measures his coffee on a digital scale, a goddamn DIGITAL SCALE. You can’t make this shit up.
For extensive reviews and much, much, more, you’re going to want to check out www.grindr.com, you’ll learn more about “grinding” than you ever thought possible.
Just as in the dog-eat-dog world of coffee preparation, there are two schools of thought for nordic eye protection: shades and shields. Most Nordorks would probably say that shades look cooler – there certainly are many more styles to choose from, but ask any athlete who’s had a race on a very snowy, rainy, or foggy day — in these conditions you simply cannot beat a shield.
The shield is often the weapon of choice for biathletes in all conditions, too, as it is substantially easier to flip up and out of the way for shooing. If you’re a biathlete, you’ve probably already figured that out by now, but maybe you suck and you haven’t, or you simply are fine with growing roots on the mat. Either scenario is fine by me: it’s your funeral.
Regardless if your nordic racing and training involves skiing around with a rifle or the vastly easier non-rifle version (I can’t recall if they have a name for this), you’ll want a shield if it is sloppy out — shields come in a bunch of different tints, sizes, styles and colors and most importantly, fog way less easily. My boy, and former U.S. Birkie winner Matt Liebsch (or “Leaper,” as he likes to be called), swears by the shield, as does the first family of U.S. Masters Biathlon, Marc, SJ and Thor Sheppard.
The family that can see what they are shooting, stays together, or something like that. Multiple World Masters medal winners (from left to right) Marc, Thor and SJ Sheppard rocking the shield — (I know, this sounds like a bad 70’s cop show, but trust me on this one).
Another reason why this day is another one of my favorite days (this column, not Friday), is I love being unshackled and let loose completely unrestrained. Even I can only write so much about base layers, wax, and gloves, but give me longer enough lever arm, a place to stand, and a green light to opine about all sorts of gear, and I will move the world. Or annoy it. It really could go either way. There point here is that there is a lot of other great gear out there that you need to hear about – somebody needs to put their foot down and that foot is me.
I get around (no, not in that manner you might be thinking, as most of the members of the fairer sex seem to find me repulsive). I “get around” in the sense that I both host and am hosted my many members of the nordic community. I love “paying it forward,” as I did more than my fair share of couch surfing in my elite rowing days and it is my pleasure to do my best to somehow attempt to replenish the karmic pool of good will.
With the exception of my good buddy Aaron Scott, (or A-A-Ron, as he is known around the biathlon range), who has earned the wonderful moniker as “America’s Guest,” due to his propensity for frequent and last-minute homestays, I crash in enough homes to rival Dr. Scott in my volume and frequency of spare bedroom time (though my track record of alienating my friends’ significant others is unmatched. Yes, my ability to agitate even the nicest people truly is a gift. I’m like the Michael Jordan of annoying house guests. And that’s even without the Great Dane. He takes that game to a whole new level. Together, we are a juggernaut. But after all, isn’t what life is all about, teamwork?)
I may have left a few dishes in the sink “back in the day” in my period of elite athletics, blissful unemployment, and lack of any permanent mailing address, but I am regaining good karma points at light speed with the U.S. Nordic Combined crew at my house right now.
The point to all of this is that in planning my early season racing calendar for this year, I was inquiring about the availability of my trusty post-West Yellowstone Ski Festival spare bed at my buddy’s house in Bozeman. Being perhaps one of the nicest people I know (and crackerjack smoothie chef), KJ immediate agreed and even offered to serve up perennial favorite FBD post-race meal of tacos, with the caveat that the house would be empty on my arrival, as the whole Jacobsen family was going camping.
This got me thinking (something I generally do my best to avoid, as is painfully evident by my generally very labored prose), that the nordic community does much more than just nordic ski. Almost every nordic skier I know also loves to go out and hit the alpine slopes, camp, hike, hunt, fish, bike, run, you name it. Probably one of the things that I enjoy most about my line of “work” (and yes, yes, I’m using this term very loosely, as I what I do can barely be considered work), is the camaraderie of the nordic community. This is a community that enjoys the great out-of-doors in many different capacities (better get out there fast too, as Trump is try to giving it all away to oil, gas and mining companies unless we ALL do something).
Sure, we all nordic ski, but the very nature of this sport seems to attract those that also just love being outside and doing cool stuff. So, if you’re outside all day doing cool stuff, you’re not going to last for very long if you’re not getting good sleep, which brings me to the issue at hand — winter sleeping bags.
I told you earlier we’d get back to busting on Jeremy Teela, and I would never let you down on a topic as important as this. Jeremy Teela is a three-time Olympic biathlete and up until Lowell Bailey’s very strong eighth place in Sochi, Teela had the top all-time Olympic finish of any U.S. biathlete. Teela is a great dude and a great friend, but well, he has some issues. For example, when you have breakfast his house and request coffee with cream and sugar, his reply is, “Ah, you want the full b*tch kit.” I made this “mistake” (insomuch as asking for cream and sugar in coffee can be considered a mistake) years ago and I’ve yet to live this down. I bring this up now because when I asked Big Agnes to send a winter sleeping bag for testing, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I received the “full b*tch kit”: bag, pad, pillow, and magical inflation device.
“Full b*tch kit” being prepared for testing. And no, this photo was not staged, this is really how I live. Perhaps it is not just Teela who has issues.
The bag that the fine folks at Big Agnes sent was amazing in every way: light, warm, compressible and even when it’s wet (more on this later). It wasn’t just that bag that impressed me either, it was also all of the accoutrements.
Since contrary to what you may have heard or read, I am an AMAZING house guest, KJ and his lovely wife were very interested in all of the gear that I was reviewing for this year’s wonderful and what appears to be endless journey. She is from Alaska and he’s a touch Montana boy from way, back, so they are no strangers to hunting, fishing and winter camping in even the nastiest of conditions, so when I said that the Big Agnes (BA) bag was one of my favorites out of more than 200 pieces of gear that I reviewed for this series (Yup, you read that correctly, 200+, you’re welcome), not only were they intrigued, but they also offered up their own, unsolicited story about Big Agnes.
Apparently they had two sleeping pads that gave up the ghost when they were traveling around Europe last summer, and despite the fact that they had owned them for years and they had logged lots of miles, they said BA replaced them with brand-new versions, no questions asked. KJ and Robin were incredibly impressed, as was I.
I start testing products several months or even several years in advance, because I am a very, very lonely man, but also because I want to be thorough. Gear is expensive and due to the shifting and declining revenues for periodicals of all types, genuine, unbiased reviews are going the way of intelligence and civility in politics and our beloved snowpack — vanishing.
It is for this reason that despite my many wisecracks, I really do take this job seriously, as I consider myself the Obi Wan Kenobi of gear review. That’s right people, I am your only hope.
“Hurry Captain, shoot down whoever you need to, FBD needs CHEESE.”
Given the very nature of my role, however, one of the components of the overall process for which I always wish I had more insight is customer service. Since I am now a VERY big deal, almost all of the companies roll out the red carpet for me. Don’t get me wrong, I like getting my ass kissed as much (or probably more) as the next guy, but one downside of this VIP treatment is that I sometimes wonder if I don’t see what the average customers sees. If I have a problem, a fleeting of matching black Cobra attack helicopters immediately airdrops a new version of the product in question to my door, completely with a courtesy basket full of bonbons and an exotic assortment of artisan meats and cheeses. Exactly as it should be, too, btw, so keep those biking-clad heli pilots bearing gifts coming, that frickin’ cabin in Montana is cold and lonely and the freakin’ crappy grocery store is miles away, which gets old, fast, when you’re on foot patrol for three weeks. My point, however, is that it is extremely encouraging to hear unbiassed, objective feedback from “real people” who don’t have any skin in the game, other than the fact that they want to keep their skin. When people I know and trust tell me that customer service from a company is commendable, that absolutely merits me passing it along.
As for the bag itself, it also kicked ass. It was very comfortable in relatively cold Montana weather (low of minus 4), as well as VERY damp, nasty, typical East Coast winter weather (15 degrees, with about 200 percent humidity) and in the slightly more moderate, but very dry Colorado weather (a crisp 20 degrees). That is only part of the story, however, as while bag performance is key, part of what made the bag perform so well were its accessories.
For starters, the bag has a sleeve on the bottom that holds the sleeping pad in place perfectly. While this sounds minor, I can assure you that rolling off your sleeping pad onto the cold tent floor is a deal-breaker, so this innovation is ground-breaking, er, ground-warming, er, keeping-your-bag-off-the-ground-ing-which-makes-it-warmer-ing?
All the components of a Big Agnes System Sleeping Bag
Other clever touches are their combo dry bag/sleeping pad inflator, which allows those with meager lung capacity (like Smullin) to inflate the pad and pillow by merely waving around the bag to fill it with air, then squeezing the air into the pad and/or pillow. Sure, Josh’s bird-arms will likely give out quickly waving around a six-ounce bag, but with ample sets, combined with frequents and extensive rest periods, I am confident that even he could eventually accomplish this very simply task. For all of you in the studio audience that can curl anything more than 5 lbs two times, you’ll have this done in under a minute and will be fresh as a daisy to start grinding me coffee.
As much as I love Big Agnes, I feel duty bound to advise again their two-person bag, though, as while this might sound great idea for newlyweds or passionate young couples who haven’t grown to despise the sight of each other yet, word on the street is that this bag has been coined, “the relationship ender.” You’ve been warned.
In another, alternate universe, I create thoughtfully crafted, considerate, caring gear reviews for our colleagues across the aisle in the endurance sports community: triathletes.
I am of course kidding, as I harbor even more spite and resentment for this group of Type A nerds than I do for the nordic community, which is saying something. If there was one group of individuals more afraid of women, germs, and overall more adverse to following social norms and acceptable public behavior (all of you wearing your Speedos or bike kit in the grocery store have a place waiting for you in hell), it’s these guys. Spend even one hour in Kona in the week before the IM World Champs and you’ll immediately see my point.
The upside of being forced to deal with these kooks is that I get to test a lot of cool bikes, which is what we’re talking about now.
Bikes? In a FS gear review? What gives, FBD? Stick with me on this — my thinking here is that inherent in any nordic skier’s life is summer training, something that thanks to years of poor leadership and vision, combined with the current abysmal leadership and vision, is quickly turning into a major component of our year.
One can’t help but wonder if we are ever going to be able to undo the damage that we’ve already done to our planet and if reliable snowpack won’t be changed or perhaps even lost forever. The sad reality here is that our summer season is getting longer and our winter season is getting shorter. Hopefully everyone out there will get involved and demand change (remember, you get the government that you deserve) and we can at least stop any further damage. Regardless, the hard, cold truth (well, now moderate temperature truth), is that longer summers and shorter winters are here to stay. This all means more time on the bike.
One of my pet projects (as opposed to just one of my many pets) this past summer was testing gravel bikes. I’m not gonna lie, I entered this project with a healthy dose of skepticism, as this kinda seemed like one of the notorious bike industry “flavors of the month.” Given that fact that it is increasingly difficult to improve on the already extremely efficient design of the bicycle, this industry constantly grapples with ways to increase sales and drive demand. More often than not, these efforts are somewhat meaningless. So with this beautiful bias firmly cemented in my mind, I set out to test some gravel bikes. And they were awesome.
Taking the Open Upper out for a rip with the crew from Lupine lights. More on the latter shortly.
At the top of the heap (bike joke for all of you losers who don’t have the silky smooth bike handling skillz of the FBD), is a wonderful whip from a (kinda) new kid on the block, OPEN Cycle. Open was started by the big guys behind Cervelo, Gerard Vroomen and Andy Kessler. Their extensive experience and success in the bike industry was immediately evident as this bike is incredible. I had the good fortune to put it through its paces on all sorts of trails, road, and paths, and I struggle to find anything critical to write — this is really saying something, too, as I am one of those people with the gift of being able to find something critical to say about EVERYTHING.
The bike is light, responsive and incredible versatile. You can outfit it with slicks for road riding, 32’s for cross racing, 40’s for mixed gravel/single track cruising, or even go with full-blown mountain wheels if you are primarily riding dirt.
This fine steed made the cut for this column for many reasons, but in particular due to its versatility. The strength coach at the Steamboat Springs Winter Sports Club is an avid rider, a fat bike World Masters Champion and just an all-around speedy dude. He has an Open and he told me that due to its versatility, he has narrowed his fleet to just a few bikes, as he can easily swap wheels on the Open and have a perfect bike for almost any type of riding.
Being far more civilized than he and his barbaric attitude to thin the FBD bike herd, I have adopted the “if some is good, more is better,” truism that applies to all elements of endurance athletics, and have therefore chosen to get this bike, and all of the wheels, and keep all of my other bikes. Ha! Suck it, garage space.
Before any of you haters out there write in to criticism this strategy, let me preemptively explain what I like to call, the “FBD sailboat defense.” Being the key, influential member of the littératie that I am, I am often called upon to hobnob with my fellow cultural elites in places like Camelot, Kennebunkport and Cannes, so spending time on luxury watercraft it old hat to this cat. As most of you know, the purchase price and upkeep of any sort of boat is astronomical and absurd, so any time there is even the most subtle suggestion by any member of the FBD inner circle that I am wasting my money on all of these ridiculous and seemingly redundant (or is it superfluous, I REALLY NEED TO FACT CHECK MY WORK) bicycles, I immediate launch into the FBD sailboat defense, which goes something like this: “Would you rather I had a sailboat? Huh? Would you? That costs WAY more and is way worse for my health. Look how fit I am. Do you want me to have a heart attack? Is that it? Why would you wish that upon me, when I love you so much?” I do this all at an ever-increasing volume, then run to my room in tears and lock the door, barricading myself in with my fancy coffee grinder until everyone gives in and I get to buy my new saddle, or tyres, or whatever piece of gear upon which I have obsessed on that given day. Criticism me all you want, but that sh*t works. So go treat yourself to a new gravel bike, after all, who deserves it more than you do? (Well, me, but I already have one, so you’re up next.)
Fully functional Anschutz Fortner biathlon rifle: gold-plated and one of a kind. Given to Antje Misersky-Harvey by J.G. Anschütz GmbH (the world’s leading manufacture of biathlon rifles) in recognition of her gold medal in the women’s individual at the 1992 Albertville Olympic Games.
I’m going to finish this very special column with a very special story (and no, not that kind of “special” — this is actually an incredible account of perseverance, courage and strength)
Without a doubt, the United States is a great country. Having said that, it always annoys me when pandering politicians and nut-job, right-wing pundits go for the lowest common denominator and claim it to be “the greatest county in the entire world,” as there are lots of great places and people out there in the world, so to simply unilaterally and without fact claim us to be No. 1 across the board in all categories is inaccurate and arrogant (look no further than our global rankings for gun violence, health care, education, quality of living, and self-assessment of happiness, just to name a few). That notwithstanding, the US is most certainly a great place, as this remarkable series of events illustrates.
As noted in Wednesday’s masterpiece, like so many good stories, I was “just skiing along,” well, in this case, uh, “just standing along (does that even make sense?) in Altius Handcrafted Firearms in West Yellowstone, Montana, the nation’s premier biathlon shop, when in walked Ian and Antje Harvey with a biathlon rifle for consignment. The rifle is gold-plated and an amazing piece, but this rifle itself was just the tip of the iceberg, as the accompanying back-story is nothing short of incredible.
One of the many intriguing aspects of the story of the history of the rifle is that a doping controversy is at its core, making it perhaps more prescient than now than ever before, in particular given everything currently happening on this front.
This full story was published in Masters Skier and Cross Country Skier magazines several years ago, but sadly I was unable to find any versions online. With full respect and attribution to the fact that this was published previously, I will present a short summary, but I do encourage everyone to try to find the complete versions of these accounts, as they are simply amazing. In essence, this is a tale about overcoming long odds, stifling authoritarian government regimes and the strong moral authority to do the right thing.
Antje Misersky-Harvey grew up in East Germany in the 1970s and 1980s. A rising star in cross-country, she found herself in an extremely difficult and dangerous situation when she refused to acquiesce to pressure from the East German government to take performance enhancing drugs. Rather than administer what she believed to be dangerous, illegal and immoral chemicals, she instead opted to quit skiing. Just before the 1992 Olympic Games, however, East Germany was building a women’s biathlon squad for the first time, as 1992 was the first WOG to feature this discipline. Scrambling to build a team powerful enough to take on the strong West Germans, she was allowed to join without being forced to dope.
Antje Misersky (now Harvey) was awarded a gold-plated Anschutz Fortner biathlon rifle for her gold medal at the 1992 Olympics.
Fast-forward to the Games themselves, where she went on to win a gold medal. The story gets even more incredible here though, as this was just after the fall of the Berlin wall, so the now, greatly liberated German media was very anxious to hear her incredible and harrowing story. Not surprisingly, officials from the former East Germany were much less excited about these details getting out, so she and her family received numerous death threats. Given the very recent change in the political structure and the enormous, far-reaching power in the previous governments, these were threats that could not be taken lightly. Being a person of great courage, conviction and character, however, she went on TV for a full, one-hour interview exposé and was one of the first athletes to have a very vocal and outspoken role in the anti-doping crusade.
In appreciation of her gold medal, bravery and strong, moral conviction, Anschutz, the manufacture of the rifle she used to win her one gold and three silver Olympic medals, presented her with an extremely unique and stunning gold-plated rifle. Not only is this extremely rare, but the story behind it is nothing short of incredible as well. And this rifle is now for sale.
One of the things that I’ve learned in my few trips around the block is that it is very easy to fall in to “the grass is always greener” trap. Sure, our national team athletes (not to mention our development team and junior team athletes) may not have everything that their European counterparts do, but was Lowell Bailey’s father ever issued death threats by the US government? Given that fact that I highly doubt that Trump could even spell ‘biathlon,’ this seems quite unlikely. Yes, Noah Hoffman is currently paying for his wax tech and I think we all wish that this wasn’t the case, but has he ever been so knocked over by government officials as he approached the finish line, therein preventing a win, due to his political views? Have any of our female athletes been pressured into pregnancies (to later be terminated prior to competition), in order to get a more advantageous hormone profile? No. Never. Yet these are things that happened (and sadly, appear to still be happening in some places) at the behest of other federal governments. Let’s be very clear about this, too, these atrocities are not happening in isolated cases with a few random athletes, not is this a conspiracy of a few rogue coaches, but rather these are massive, nationally orchestrated programs run by the highest levels of government. Please allow that to sink in for a moment.
In the U.S., this is simply unfathomable. As citizens, we rightful become incensed if we even perceive a whiff of government intrusion in any aspect of our lives, yet not all that long ago, and maybe still even today, there are national-team athletes from other countries facing almost indescribable oppression, intimidation and abuse. So while I wish we had a wax truck for biathlon and nordic combined, and I wish both our health care and education systems were more efficacious and economical, but despite these shortcomings, I am still very proud to be an American, as this is most certainly one of the greatest countries in the world. Even with Trump.
Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. Kicking the series off, recommendations for recovery gifts to keep you and your ski buddies on the trails and injury free. See also: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4
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Day 5: Canine Companions
With a moniker like “Fast Big Dog,” you know I’m all about the hounds, pouches, mutts, and mongrels. I mean, come on, who doesn’t like a good dog? They’re called “man’s best friend,” for a reason, all of you cat weirdos out there.
They also happen to be the ultimate training partners. My trusty black lab, Pdiggy (not to be confused with this guy…
No one is quite sure who was nicknamed “Diggy” first. The homosapien CU skier/rockstar Diggy Terranova is older, but the canis lupus familiaris Pdiggy has been called this his whole life, so it’s kinda a push. Both are awesome though, so it doesn’t really matter. You know he’s down with FBD too because he has pretty girls kissing him.
… who probably gets way less media attention than he deserves due to that camera-hog Pwolfgang, has logged more miles with me than probably any other living organism.
Dogs are awesome. They are also ready to go, never complain that you’re going too fast or too slow, or about the route, or anything else. They’re always just stoked to be out there.
They’re also awesome at helping you dispose of all of that extra, unwanted income to do cool stuff like replace perfectly functional carpets that you already own that they’ve chosen to destroy for no apparent reason, or rip the seat belts out of your new truck (an insanely expensive repair, btw — they’re just a bunch of webbing and a buckle, for Christ’s sake, you bastards). They’re also a tremendous assistance in weight control, as they’ll gladly eat your thoughtfully prepared breakfast burrito when you turn your back, terrorize the neighbor’s cat (and therefore also the neighbor), and who better to keep that pesky mailman on his toes that your four-footed enforcer?
In short, dogs rule. So do your favorite canine companion a solid and take him or her out for a rip right now, whether it is a train run, ski, or something special that we’re going to describe in a bit, these loyal companions will do anything for you, so how about you do something nice for them?
Bark Box: FBD pick for under $29Pwolfgang, freaking out that his was replaced by Pdiggy for just one photo op (those model types can be VERY high maintenance), vents his frustration on one this month’s BarkBox toys, Santa. Not to worry either, I have it on good authority that Santa said he’d prefer to go out this way, like a “G,” rather than have to schlep toys around to all of your filthy, unappreciative offspring. Aw, snap! Sounds like Santa has a bit of an attitude, doesn’t it? Who can blame him though, have you spent much time in airports at this time of year? Seriously, airports are the worst. I’ve got your back on this Santa.
I’m slightly embarrassed to admit how much I like this company and this concept. Basically their schtick is that they send you a box of toys and treats at whatever regular interval you select. Sure, that’s kinda cool, but what really puts this concept over the top and catapulted it into this rarified air of the 12 D o’ FBD (as all of the cool kids say) is the job they do with the toy selection.
Each month is “themed,” so for example, October’s offering (naturally, I am a monthly subscriber) was Halloween-based. That might seem like a bit of a gimme, but trust me, they have a staff of very creative people and they really kill it each and every month with clever themes, very representative toys, and an overall great vibe.
Is it a little overly anthropomorphic to read too much into the concept of each month’s dog toys? Not when you have as much time on your hands and as many glaring social problems as I do.
Do the dogs get the joke or seasonal association? With the notable exception of my Great Dane, yes, mine do. If yours do not, well, they are either also Great Danes or are just plain dumb. Tell them I said that.
If you don’t think that a T-shirt emblazoned with a yellow lab “dabbing” on the front is hilarious, then, well, you are dead on the inside. Sure, this is the type of garment that you might see at a state fair in Alabama or God forbid, Disney World, with the owner waddling about, carrying a deep-fried corn dog and their arm flab flapping in the wind, but no one is going to steal my sunshine on this, as this just so happens to be an awesome shirt. Buy it, own it (which I suppose is inherent in “buying it,” but hopefully you realize I’m using this in a more metaphorical sense), and F the world. You do you. $31.95 on RedBubble.com
If you don’t think that this is an amazing shirt, there is something really wrong with you.
Yes, $59 is a lot for a dog collar, but if you’re like me and have more money than sense, not to mention a penchant for gear, when something like this comes drifting into your inbox, you’re pretty much obligated to pull the trigger (see what I did there? Tactical collar? Pull the trigger? I’d be an awesome Navy Seal if I wasn’t so afraid of danger. And bullets. And mean people. And the dark. And water. And the cold. And air travel. And carrying heavy stuff. And long hours. Aside from that, I’d be perfect).
For you haters out there chuckling as I piddle away my hard-earned cash, I’ll have you know that I had the last laugh because in the aforementioned Great Dane/neighbor pizza incident, thanks to the Tactipup collar “restraint handle,” I was able to apprehend my monster as he was making a run for the delicious smelling pizza before any real damage was done. Sure adequate training and even a slightly above average canine I.Q. would also be effective abatement, but sadly, those both seem to be in short supply with this particular beast.
These collars are also incredibly well-made, made in the good ol’ USA, and come in a variety of cool colorways (or colors, for you normal people out there). Since Pwolfgang fancies himself a bit of a ladies man, I got him one in the kick-ass snow camo colorway (why the hell do I keep saying that, goddamnit that stupid expression annoys me).
When not jumping through plate glass windows to chase the tile guy, eating remote controls, golf balls, light bulbs, or bullets, Pwolfgang likes to take some quiet time in the garden to reflect on how good he looks in his collar. And to ponder if he wants to jump the fence again to chase the neighbor carrying pizza. You see, he is quite introspective.
If you have any dog that’s “a runner,” then you can just stop reading right here and go buy this product. An earlier version of this system the Whistle 2.0 was reviewed last year and has been extremely well-received, so when I was doing some research for this overall category and discovered that Whistle had just released a new model, the Whistle 3.0, I was eager to give it a whirl. For any even semi-regular reader of any of my work, I think you know why I need it and who it’s for.
While these are great units, they also clearly are not Great-Dane proof.
This latest model is smaller, which is good, as the former model was large enough to offer enough purchase that the Great Dane figured out how to remove his and do this. (He barely knows he name, but he has the spatial reasoning ability and dexterity to remove and ruin a device attached to his collar, behind his neck. Freakin’ unbelievable).
Probably even more importantly, the new model “cycles” faster, meaning it updates you via your smartphone even more rapidly when your disobedient monster has left the perimeter that you have created around your home (also a super-slick feature, as you can customize this to be as large or as small as you’d like, so whether your yard is 50’ x 50’, or 50 miles x 50 miles, the system can accommodate either option and anything in between).
Overall, the interface is very good, works well, and all things considered, the whole system is fairly economical. It’s on sale right no
w for $49, but keep in mind that you also have to get a monthly subscription (think of it as a wireless data plan for your dog). This still doesn’t break the bank, but if you opt for a two-year subscription (the most economical choice), this adds $7/month, bringing your first year’s expense on this to $133, hence this placement in this price category. Obviously, all subsequent years you only incur the expense of the subscription, unless your dog chews up the device, as Pwolfgang did, therefore taking you smack, dab (like the shirt?!?!?!), back to $133.
All of this is still way cheaper than a vet bill if something happens to Fido during his prison break and certainly way, way better than the wife murdering you if something even more serious happened. Think of it as investing in the future of your relationship.
Have a death wish? Well then boy do I have a product for you.
I’m fortunate enough to be in Switzerland often for work. It’s a beautiful place; clean, organized, safe, and with a generally very active, outdoor-oriented population (sure, they hid a bunch of money for the Nazi’s a few years back, but who amongst us is perfect, right?). One of the things that the Swiss pride themselves on is not only their precision, but also their ability to not just follow rules, but follow them to the letter.
It is for just that reason why I was so surprised to see a guy skijoring one morning on a trail in Davos, Switzerland, that prohibited dogs. Sure, it was 6 a.m. on a Tuesday, but for a Swiss person to break a rule that cut and dry is almost unheard of. There was a method to his madness though — he was attempting to train his wife’s dog (and with very little success), so his brought this beast to the far end of the trail system where he thought he was unlikely to run into any other skiers. Overall, sound logic, as generally that portion of the trail is completely empty at that time of day, as it is quite remote. I was skiing to work and since it was dark every night on my ski back to my apartment, my only way to get in extra k’s was to squeeze them in every morning at O-Dark Thirty.
So as is always the case in every good story, I was “just skiing along,” (all shop rats LOVE “JSA,” and it’s cycling cousin, “JRA,” inquire about this in your next visit to either a bike or ski shop), when all of a sudden this guy came screaming by me, wrapped up in a labyrinth of webbing, straps, cables, handles and pulleys: it looks like a Rube Goldberg nightmare mashup with a paratrooper, cartoon dog, and lost Swiss banker.
The guy and his out of control hound passed me at Mach 7 and I immediately had a few thoughts: first, “Wow, those guys were going fast.” Next was, “Hmm, there’s something you don’t see all that often out here, I wonder if that is allowed”, (it’s not). Then finally, as he was heading for a hairpin turn going about 60 kph, “Geez, he must be a REALLY good skier if he can make that turn, at that speed, with the crazy dog.”
Well, it turns out that he wasn’t a good enough skier to make that turn at that speed, as “Lovitz,” or some interesting Swiss/German name somewhat close to that, rocketed him into the snowbank. He didn’t just crash either, he crashed HARD. Being extremely sympathetic to this situation and being the beautiful person that I am, I turned around and skied up to see if he was OK. He was fine, though thoroughly embarrassed. He then went on to apologize profusely for skijoring in an illegal section of trail, passing me too closely, and disrupting my ski. This poor gentleman then went on to offer excruciating detail on the terrible luck he was having training this dog and how pissed he was at his wife for getting this stupid animal and not training it properly. All of this seemed hilarious at the time, but since God is a ball-buster, the schadenfreude I experienced at that moment has come back to haunt me 1,000 times over with the acquisition of my own giant, untrainable animal. That was my first experience with skijoring, but it wouldn’t be the last.
On that topic, while it would undoubtedly make for some hilarious video, I have somehow managed to amass enough common sense in the past few years to realize that even attempting to go rollerski skijoring with Pwolfgang is a bad idea. Snow? Maybe. But unforgiving East Coast motorists, hilly, narrow roads and an overpowered, under-IQ’d Great Dane? That’s ones of those situations in which you truly deserve a stern lecture from the ER doc when you’re being admitted for multiple-blunt trauma.
Not that I need any more reasons to not take my Great Dane skjorring, but in case you are wondering, I have a bunch of them: there’s the fact that as we discussed yesterday, I have beautiful but very delicate, bruisable, alabaster skin, piano wire-like cruciate tendons, and a tendency to cry at the drop of a hat — not the mention the eagerness of so many of those around me to see my fail (I’m looking at you again, Mr. Mom Jeans, Josh Smullin). Add of this up and my decision to leave Pwolfgang at home to wreck the house was an easy one. Before all of you get your panties in a wad though, do not worry, I did, in fact, test the skijoring system — I simply opted for a few of the better behaved, slightly lessly powered option in the FBD stable, er, kennel — my trusty Labradors.
If you’re going to do it, do it right with all the firepower you can muster. Having said that, I still recommend using dogs that have a basic understanding of commands and are at least reasonably well-behaved: remember, you’ll be on open roads on devices with no brakes. This is already insane, so for the safety of you and your canine companions, do your best to apply as much common sense as possible in this clearly insane situation.
Snow is obviously a bit of a different situation, but even so, do be perhaps a bit careful. After all, I could be skiing the other way and as we all know, I have a lot to live for, so please factor this in accordingly.
So what are you waiting for? Go get this wicked contraption and get out there. Don’t worry either, I know CPR and I’m a wonderful person, so if I see you in a ditch, I’ll do the same as I did for Lovitz and my Swiss friend.
$174.95 on RuffWear.com (but with your pending bills from your emergency-room visit, this could take you well over the $300 cutoff for this category)
Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. Kicking the series off, recommendations for recovery gifts to keep you and your ski buddies on the trails and injury free. See also: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3
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Day 4: Casual Wear
Even though I clearly established on Day 1 that recovery is key, we really got after it on Day 2 with training clothing, and on Day 3 my good buddy and biathlon rock star (she literally IS a rock star in Germany and rightfully so, as she is a total badass), learned you up on how to make the custom, “FBD Podium Smoothie.” Good times. And since I view each of these columns as unique, wonderful creations, being forced to pick favorites is like asking any parent to pick a favorite child. Well, maybe that’s a bad example, as kids like me are always going to win that race… but the point here is that all of these columns are incredibly valuable, amazing contributions to the overall betterment of mankind, and I can’t overemphasize how lucky you all are to have me in your lives.
The second, and closely related point, is even as great as all of these are, it’s still hard to not have a favorite topic and since we’ve been through a lot together, I’m going to let you in on a little secret, casual wear is one of my favorite topics. Why? Well, I suppose partly because despite the fact that my overall fashion game is so strong, even the most agro, focused, Type A, OCD lunatic skier can only log so many hours per day on the tracks and unless you are one of “those guys” who sits around in their kit all day (in this case “guys” can also means “girls” and not in a transgender sense, more in a generic type of “you people” sense. And yes, it’s weird that nowadays this needs clarification), you spend (or at least should spend) more time each day in casual clothes than in your nordic gear. This means that while as important as it is to have your nordic fashion game on fleek, it’s probably even more important to have your street-fashion game tight. This really is like choosing between having a huge motor or immaculate technique, as you absolutely need both to be a playa, but since the FBD is much more of a hammer than a technician, we’ll call Street Style aerobic capacity and Nordic Style technique. So listen up all of you velvety-smooth skiers walking around in loin cloths.
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Under $29
MSGA hat: $20
“Make Skiing Great Again” ball cap, modeled by Zach Hall: FBD pick for under $29This exciting new startup cranial covering device company (CCDC), is being led by the steady hand of Zachary Hall (right). Like any good CEO, he is carefully listening to all customer feedback, so when alleged Harvard graduate and Trump lifestyle aficionado Ollie Burruss pleaded with us to make a very special Crimson edition, we got the boys in R&D on it post-haste. Being modeled here by the series editor, near full-time resident of West Yellowstone, biathlon bad boy and heartthrob, Fast Big Dog, is an early prototype of a potential new “Ivy League Line.” We are still wrapped up with our attorneys over the details of this, as surprisingly the Harvard people don’t find this all that funny, so play it safe for now and go with the standard issue, “MSGA” version. We’re doing our best to keep our “customer database” updated (pieces of cocktail napkins with names and numbers, floating around the inside of Zach’s truck), so we’ll be sure to contact you once of all of the requisite legal hurdles have been crossed.
You may remember this dreamy, Alaska bad-boy from his brief career as a Sears catalog underwear model, or recognize him from racing his way around the World Cup, or manning the scope for the Soldier Hollow junior biathlon team, or in his brief-but-illustrious career as a glove model, but did you know that this hunky Dartmouth graduate also has a vision to “Make Skiing Great Again?” It’s true.
Now before everyone gets all worked up that we (really, he, in particular if you are mad – write Zach, NOT me) are normalizing the theme that this hat is in fact mocking (I’m looking at you, Ollie Burruss), I can assure you that the creator (again, Zach, NOT ME) is simply providing biting social commentary and merely making light of a bad situation. Please don’t read too much into this, just enjoy the damn hat.
In addition, skiing has always been great, so don’t get all nitpicky with the grammar and yes, yes, we all know that Trump is a complete idiot, so please don’t view this as even a tacit endorsement of any of his moronic policies, it’s just a hat people. A funny, creative, light-hearted hat. So lighten up Francis, buy a hat and help make Zach rich again (MZRA), (which, by the way, kinda sounds like someone in Wu Tang Clan, doesn’t it? I wonder if Zach was in Wu Tang briefly after he left Dartmouth, he does have a lovely singing voice. I really need to fact check my work sometime).
Fight the power, expand your wardrobe, and deal with bad hair days. Email Zach at zchry.hall@gmail.com . Tell’em, FBD sent cha. Best $20 you’ll ever spend.
There are lots of decent “house slipper” options out there and certainly mind-numbing possibilities in shoe selection, but where there seems to be a bit of a dearth of options is in “tweeners,” you know, slippers that can also venture outside to get the mail on a snowy morning without filling with water like the Titanic.
How your traditional slippers feel after a 20-meter walk to the mailbox in the snow
These aren’t just whips for mail and coffee runs either, no, these “sloes,” (slippers + shoes, pronounced ‘slu-es’,) are ideal for lots of nordic-skier excursions. For example, what racer hasn’t been to a training camp and had to walk down to some hotel lobby along snow-and-detritus-soaked carpet? If I remember anything from my elementary school sex-ed class, attempting this voyage in socks is a one-way trip to VD town (that’s what we called it back then).
Do you want that to be you? Huh? DO YA? Of course not. I didn’t think so. So let’s save you an embarrassing trip to the doctor, armed only with some shaggy dog story about a dirty tractor seat and a Speedo and make sure that you keep your equipment clean as a whistle and ready for action.
The item of interest that is going to make all of this happen are a super-slick pair of kicks from a company called Time. No, not the pedal company (though I have it on good authority that they are back and making a big-time run), no, this is exclusively a slipper company.
They offer all sorts of models, from a traditional slip-on slipper (is this redundant or superfluous? I’m not sure), to a mid-top, to yes, even a high-top. Even though weed is legal in Colorado and I’m a CO boy from way back, the filmstrip immediately following the bizarrely graphic and disturbing elementary school sex-ed lecture was perhaps and amazingly even more insane, the “scare you straight” 1930’s biopic, Reefer Madness. Call it authoritarian propaganda, inaccurate, or downright dishonest, but it did it’s job — like Pinto from Animal House, I have been convinced ever since adolescence that even one hit of Mary J, and I could go “schizo”, so I can’t do the “high” top. All of us in Abbot elementary made a blood oath with Mr. Porter that we’d stay away from the Devil’s lettuce and since I’ve made it this far, I’d hate to cave in now with a pair of “high” tops, which I’m pretty sure the filmstrip said were gateway shoes to essentially immediate heroin addiction.
Despite this fear of drugs, germs, clowns, closed spaces, open spaces, heights, depths, attractive women (well, women of any sort, really), and people in general, I do still consider myself a rebel and a bad boy, though, and since I like to live life on the edge, I went with a pair of mid-tops: not quite shoes yet also tantalizingly close to taking me down the road of a life of crime. Since danger is my middle name, (well, not really, it’s Thomas), I was in. As we discussed in yesterday’s column, I’m all about the wool, so I naturally went with the option for wool. Wise choice. I’m a smart dude.
Last stop on the road to nowhere, my Ted Kaczynski cabin in Montana is where ski fitness is built and relationships go to die.
These babies showed up during my three-week internment in West Yellowstone and they couldn’t have come at a better time. Since I had no car for this training camp, I was either skiing, walking or sleeping, and having the option for kicks that were comfortable in my Ted Kaczynski-style cabin while I was writing my manifesto on how technology was crippling modern society was key. On a rare occasion that someone invited me out of seclusion for some type of social engagement, I was delighted (even when it was Burruss), and these babies were perfect for the double-duty of landlord friendly “in-cabin” duty, as well as the occasional foray into the lobby for dinner and drinks.
For this reason (and a few others), I’m really digging (Not to be confused with Diggins) the mid-top style and steez. The ankle-kissing height throws the fashionistas off the scent if someone is trying to pigeonhole you into one of those “wear sweat pants on the airplane” losers, or one of those people that wears slippers at a grocery store. You’re only one step away from pajama pants at the shuffleboard court of a cruise ship. Once that happens, you might as well just throw yourself overboard.
So the wool is warm, the soles don’t soak up water like a Midwest low-lander finishing their first mountain marathon, and the style is both comfortable and versatile. On top of all of that, the owner’s wife is “one of us,” yup, a nordic nerd through and through. $99-$150 on TimeSlippers.com
Speaking of being cold and alone in remote Montana, another tactic to keep me from taking my own life each night when I returned to FBDR remote HQ, was the fact that I got to “slip into something more comfortable.” Who knows if this trite line ever has actually worked with a real woman in real life, not to mention the fact that I was alone in this den of self-loathing, so the only person I had an attempt at seducing was myself, and as we all know, that fish is already in the boat, as I’m already madly and deeply head over heels in love with myself, so seducing myself was not necessary. (Is this redundant or superfluous? I REALLY need to start fact checking my work…)
I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that the skiing up there was awesome, but it could get cold so the whole training camp was much more pleasurable due to the fact that I could go back to the cabin and put on a very warm, comfortable hoodie.
You know all you haters out there have been waiting for this obligatory temp pic from West Yellowstone, so here you go.
Wow, we were on quite a journey for that one, weren’t we? Looks like shaggy dog stories coming in handy in more places than just attempting to cloak the origins of a VD outbreak with your family physician.
Buy one, stay warm, ski more, and stop complaining. $89 at L.L. Bean
As we make our way down the body, the next logical step after we’ve got you styled out and covered up on top are the hustle sticks. Is there any piece of clothing more versatile and utilitarian than a trusty pair of jeans? I don’t think so, especially in this day and age where increasingly relaxed dress codes mean these fashion workhorses are finding their way into the office on casual Friday, first class cabins of airplanes and even poking out from under blazers in upscale eateries in Manhattan, something unheard of even a few years ago. Who doesn’t love a good pair of jeans?
There are tons of options out there and quite frankly, lots of good ones, but also lots of crappy ones. Do you want to be the guy everyone is laughing at in the “mom jeans?” As usual, I’m looking at you, Josh Smullin.
Action shot of J-Smu (shown center sporting his new hairstyle) and his squad heading to Safeway for some disinfectant wipes
Proceed with caution though, as it is also easy to go too far the other way (as is often the case in life) and end up looking like the disenfranchised millennial, burnout, wannabe skater rocking the skinny jeans. This is also a mistake. Thankfully you people have me to help you navigate though this fashion minefield.
Since my guess is that most of my loyal readers are closer to aging hipster than young punk skater kids, when I got the call from this new “performance jeans” company (whatever the hell that means), I proceeded with interest, but also with caution. In particular once they passed the meticulous FBD screening process, my watchword (not to be confused with my safe word, which is used in a completely different context) was still caution, so I opted with the relaxed fit, as opposed to the skinny fit. Having been marooned in Philadelphia for far too long, the TV from which that clip was lifted, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia,” hits a little too close to home sometimes, so even though I’m about 100 centimeters taller than Danny Devito and vastly more fit (twice voted, “Best From Behind” back when yearbooks had cool sh*t like that and we also weren’t sophisticated enough to realize that this also carries some other, more sexual overtones).
The point here is that if you’re getting most of these often-obscure references, you need to steer clear of the skinny jeans. If most of the time you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, your primary form of communication is SnapChat, and you’d sooner die than be confused with Smullin from a distance, what the hell do I care, go skinny. $99 at DUER
In my gripping and compelling podcast with FasterSkier earlier this year, my colleague, student and understudy, Jason Albert took us out for a metaphorical “long drive,” but since I am awesome, every second of the entire piece is riveting. I bring this up because one of his 4,000 questions was who I thought was going to win the World Cup this year. Since I am an American (and a great one at that, just ask me), I went with my Colorado homegirl Joanne Reid to win the women’s biathlon crown. When asked why, I replied, “Because she’s from Colorado and everything from Colorado is awesome.” This is a well known and clearly established scientific fact, so don’t even both trying to call me out on this.
The point here is that when another, young, scrappy startup based in Colorado hit me up (thankfully not literally, as I have beautiful alabaster skin, but this means that I do bruise easily), I was more than happy to give them the time of day. This is not insignificant either, as now that your boy FBD is a bit of a hot commodity (not to be confused with a hot commode, which is something completely different), I have all sorts of kooky startups trying to bend my ear about how their jock straps are going to end world hunger, combs that can make you taller, or some other such nonsense. But turn down a fellow CO bro? Never. All bros know that’s strictly against bro code.
Keep it fresh and keep it local. Fellow CO local Tad Elliott showing the fleet of FBD Racing team gear transport vehicles. When you need to move something from Durango to Steamboat, THIS is how you do it.
So my South-state brethren loaded up Tad Elliott’s El Camino with their latest and greatest swag for a trip up to the big city, Steamboat. And I loved it. With a few notable caveats.
First of all, surprise, surprise, the garments are wool. What can I say, I’m a fan. Not literally a fan, as I don’t think fans can type. The do a wonderful job recirculating air, but type? I don’t think so.
First up was the Access NXT. This thing was screaming winner from the second I pulled it out of the box. It checks all of the boxes, warm, light, stylish, versatile, you name it. This made the cut on “Casual Wear” day because that’s kinda how they market it, but in reality, it is one of those FBD favorites that can go straight from the tracks to the table, as in dinning table. As in dinning table at a restaurant, where people are cooking food for you and brining it to you, not you fumbling around in your crappy little kitchen at home, slaving over a hot stove, stirring a pot of gruel like some filthy peasant. Wear whatever the hell you want when you’re doing that, you frickin’ animal. No, instead I’m talking about going out on the town with your shaggy dog tales (a word to the wise, you may want to skip over the dirty tractor seat saga, that’s really best kept between you and your HCP.)
The point here is that the Voormi pullover is perfect for a cool mountain bike ride, then stopping straight off at your favorite local drinking establishment for burgers and beers. I know this for a fact, as it tested this theory all fall. $199 at Voormi.com
I was a little bit more on the fence with the River Run Hoodie (pictured above). Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice garment, but it’s very thin, which is both a positive and a negative. It’s a positive in the sense that it’s a great piece for light to moderate aerobic activity when it’s cool, but something about a thin, lightweight hoody just kind of has that ’80s surfer, Spicoli, hooded t-shirt vibe. To be clear, I’m a surfer and I love the surfer lifestyle, but it’s a fine line between true, cooler-surfer vibe, and landlocked kook that is trying too hard. My concern is that this garment is a little bit too close to that line, so use with caution.
If you’re all about the hooded T though, this is definitely your jam. $129 at Voormi.com
Thankfully someone at Patagonia has their eyes on the prize and has figured out that if we’re not careful, we’re going to kill the planet. This presents a bit of a problem since it just so happens that we live on the planet and it’s the only planet that we’ve got.
To help keep this from happening, the gang up in Venture has really been at the leading edge of the curve in terms of repair, reuse and recycle. Attend any of the big outdoor trade shoes and they have this big, covered wagon contraption in their booth which repairs old, damaged gear — extremely commendable for a company who makes their money by selling NEW gear.
They’re also understandably and rightfully pissed that, as they put it, “The President Stole Your Land,” and I am ecstatic that in this day in age when so many companies are so cowardly and so reluctant to potentially alienate even a single potential customer, that Patagonia has the moral integrity to stand up to this horrific actions. For this reason alone, you should also have Patagonia in mind for your outdoor needs. Make no mistake, this is a dog fight and we’ve all got to stick together on this.
Along those same lines of social responsibility, another very commendable idea they have is their Fair Trade Fleece program. The gist here is that they look at the working conditions in the factories that produce their products, along with the overall environmental impact of everything they do — Patagonia is one of the first and only clothing companies doing this and it deserves recognition. Since like most (all?) of you, I don’t want to spend my twilight years on a sun-scorched, post-apocalyptic, hell-scape, I’m all for doing whatever we can to save the planet. And if you can do so without making any compromises in quality, style and price, isn’t this pretty much a slam dunk? I think so. If you have time, please watch the video on their site to learn more.
If someone from Patagonia was here, they’d tell you to not rush out and buy this cool hoody just based on this review, but rather to wait until you or someone you love really needed it, then buy it. I’m not kidding either, as they’ve said this to me. I really respect this and I’m more than happy to pass along this vibe. $159 at Patagonia
Anytime there’s a product with “stud” in the name, naturally everyone immediately associates this with me, which is quite understandable. This is no exception.
A hidden gem of the ultra distance running community, IceBug is a smaller company (relatively speaking) that you may not have heard of previously. This is right up my alley, though, as I love testing new gear from “the little guys,” as sometimes it takes the agility of open-mindedness of a smaller organization or a startup to drive change in the industry.
While spiked shoes and boots are most certainly nothing new, IceBug does a very good job in moving this technology along. A great crossover product, as in you can wear it to the tracks and yet still not get laughed out of the grocery store, is the IceBug Metro BUGrip. These babies saved my ass in my internment in West Yellowstone (literally, as this fine community sees fit to not plow the streets or sidewalks in an effort to accommodate “Bubbleheads” (local slang term for snowmobilers), and I have it on good authority that they also dispatch a secret squad of highly trained technicians each evening to specially buff and polish the sidewalks to a fine sheen. This means that the trip to and from the grocery store with your overloaded backpack can be nothing short of treacherous if you aren’t probably prepared to do battle with the elements). $189.95 at IceBug
Patagonia Micro Puff — while this sounds like some sort of marijuana accessory you’d find in one of the Colorado weed shops (lots of weed references in this piece, which is very weird considering the fact that I’m both afraid of weed and the germs, AND I’m currently not even in Colorado), in fact it is the latest offering from Patagonia, and it’s killer. This jacket is both light and warm, to which I can assuredly attest after testing it in the aforementioned brutal daily commute to the grocery store in West Yellowstone.
Coming in right at the cutoff for this category, this jacket isn’t exact cheap, but neither is any coat of this caliber, so while it may be a bit expensive in the absolute sense, it’s a good value in the relative sense.
I do think it is very important to establish some parameters here and a solid frame of reference. These days, Patagucchi alone has a number of offerings in this general category: I know, I’ve reviewed most of them. And I really like most of them. So it’s important to keep in mind that this isn’t “the flavor of the month,” and what I was crowing about last year has now fallen out of favor for some splashy, new offering from the marketing team. No, far from it. I stand behind all of my reviews and recommendations from last year on Eagle Glacier, my team’s puffy coat reviews two years ago, and so on.
What this product has been designed to be is, to use a golf analogy, a “gap wedge.” Unlike Taylor Fletcher, who is a complete hack and total menace on the golf course, my boys Tad Elliott, Sylvan Ellefson, and yes, even Josh Smullin and I, have beautiful, silky smooth swings and overall near-flawless games. Since all of our short-iron shots are very finely tuned and precise (again, everyone but Taylor), there are times when our approach for eagle is too short for a pitching wedge and too long for the “sandy”: enter the gap wedge — a versatile “Tweener,” when making an eagle is mandatory to ensure that Taylor has to swim in the pond upon completion of the round (true story).
Does this gap wedge lessen the value of any other club in your bag? Absolutely not. Could it or should it replace your driver or putter? Absolutely not. But when you need it, you really need it, are you sure as shit are glad that you have it.
If you don’t play golf, none of this probably made any sense. All you need to know here is that the takeaway message is that I’m way better than Taylor Fletcher in golf (and life) and that this is a very versatile jacket. $299 at Patagonia
Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. Kicking the series off, recommendations for recovery gifts to keep you and your ski buddies on the trails and injury free. See also: Day 1 | Day 2
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Day 3: Lifestyle Gear
Today is all about the gear that you need to make it through the day. Granted, some days you are sitting in your prison cell of an office, plotting the slow and deliberate death of those around you — those vermin holding you back from your rightful place atop multiple Olympic podiums. I’m not talking about those days. There’s not much I can do to help you there, other than to write these pointless, rambling manifestos which help you stick it to the man, as guess who’s hourly wage just skyrocketed if they spent the last 60 minutes at work revealing in the awesomeness that is FBD? To the keen eye (which is you, if you are reading this), you have undoubtedly deduced by now that these missives are actually a dog whistle, beacon of hope. I have survived the soul-crushing stupidity of corporate America and so can you. Being the benevolent overload that I am, I’m even going to show you the way. Yes, the corporate grind can seem both endless and pointless, but hang in there my fellow oppressed brothers and sisters, we’re gonna make it through this together. How? With a killer attitude and killer gear. Stick with me and not only will I get you out the other side, but we’ll do so with style and grace. And nice, new underwear. More on that in a minute.
The top secret FBD survival/coping mechanism is one that I have carefully cultivated over many years of corporate suffering and wasted weekends writing mission statements that no one will ever even read again, nonetheless actually follow. And again, as noted in Day 1, since one loves you like I do, I am going to share my tried and true path to enlightenment, happiness and ski speed:
Step 1: Embrace the grind.
Step 2: Buy all of the gear listed below and use it exactly as prescribed.
Step 3: Go ski.
Step 4: Bask in the awesomeness that we have together created.
Step 5: Lather, rinse, repeat.
Step 6: (Optional) Buy a Great Dane. With one of these infernal creatures waiting for you at home (which has now likely been destroyed), all of a sudden going into the office doesn’t seem all that bad. You’re welcome.
Yes, the market is flooded with options (both literally and figuratively, thanks to global warming, corporate lackey politicians, and pig-headed constituents who somehow have been duped into voting against their own best interest. We all need clear air and clean water, people. This is not a partisan issue. This should not even be a political issue. This is a matter of not destroying the place where we ALL live. The ONLY place we have, too, by the way, so here’s a crazy idea: let’s not make it inhabitable, what d’ya say?).
This is all you need to survive – Stinger gels, coffee, LaCroix, drone, and your trust biathlon rifle. I have been living off the land in Montana for three weeks now, with nothing but these few, Spartan resources. And I’ve never been happier.
Thanks to the unique makeup of your sensory cortex, a developmental process that is truly unique to each individual, and the food options available to all of us in our particular environment as we develop, taste and food preference is a very, very personal affair. Not to worry, a full-blown, knock-down, drag-out energy food review is already underway by your crackerjack test team here at FBD Racing, but due to many conflicting time demands, travel, training, racing, and this albatross of a Holiday Gift Guide, that process is proceeding at a glacial pace. Have no fear though, we have an early winner, one that is sure to satisfying even the most discerning palate: Honey Stinger gels and waffles.
There’s a myriad of options, flavors, and selections, to suit almost every taste, desire and Boulder-eco hippie, goofy dietary fad of the month, so whether you are a Level 4 vegan, macrobiotic, gluten free, or simply eat like a normal human, these things are da bomb. Get the ones with caffeine, as next to alcohol, caffeine is one of the best compounds on the planet, easily surpassing water. Seriously, I could go days without water, but no morning coffee or evening “wind-down” whiskey? F that. Waffles, chews, gels, honey, and more at HoneyStinger.com
What was deFUNKit is now Defunkify. We covered this brand in excruciating detail last year and if you haven’t read this historical and groundbreaking review, you should. Get clean. Get woke.
This product line made the cut for this year because not only have I received rave reviews from my adoring public on the anti-stink treatment (seriously, this is probably the product that most people approach me to thank me for suggesting: it is that good), but this past year they added a new “regular” laundry detergent.
I call it a “regular” laundry detergent because, well, that’s basically what it is — you still need to do the “destinkify protocol” with the product I reviewed last year, this is has been designed to compliment it and help reactivate the odor-protection properties of the treatment. As a quick recap for you shallow readers out there, those simply too lazy to read the article, or those with short- and long-term memory issues, you only need to treat your clothing once with the special gunk, then it allegedly lasts for up to twenty washes. The thinking with this new detergent is that if you have treated your training clothes with the secret formula, this detergent will help keep the anti-microbial and anti-odor properties active longer.
How well does it work? Well, that’s a bit tricky to say, as I didn’t do a direct comparison between washing in regular detergent and washing in the new Defunkify concoction, but in a very subjective, non-scientific, “let’s give it a try to see how it works” type of test environment, it seems to make a difference.
Spy shot of the highly evolved and sophistical FBD laundry protocol. This storage and classification system is known in the scientific community as, “Random Access.”
As noted previously on several different occasions, thankfully the FBD has been blessed with not only good circulation to his hands and feet, but also very reasonable endocrine and stress hormone biochemistry. In other words, I don’t stink. Why? Well, in addition to a careful diet, a forgiving body chemistry, and a generally carefree lifestyle, I saw the original Rocky movie at a pivotal point in my development and Apollo Creed’s advice to the youth of America really stuck with me, “Be a thinker, not a stinker.” I took this little nugget, ran with it, and never looked back.
This all means that none of my gear rarely ever gets to DEFCON 1, so I’m not trying to move the needle all that far in each laundry sesh. Having said that however, it does seem like this new wash product extends the life of the odor treatment. Plus, it’s not that much more than regular laundry detergent, so if it saves me the hassle and expense of buying the odor treatment system a little less often, well that’s a win. $19.99 at Defunkify.com
Sneaking just over the $30 cut off (well, technically, right on the line) is another extremely practical offering, hand warmers. Let me stop right here, for if you are a regular reader of this column (which you sure as sh*t should be), you’re now most likely thinking, “Hey, wait a minute, what happened to Mr. Airport Anger, I’m Too Cool For School and Don’t Need Warm Gloves?” Fair question. So while many aspects of me are, in fact, superhuman, I do still get cold from time to time. Well, I would if I wasn’t an evil, super genius (think Bond villain without the weird outfit and bad haircut)
No matter how you slice it, standing around in the cold is, uh, well … cold. Being active is key, but there are certain occasions when this simply isn’t possible: coaching, spectating, waiting for the podium, all come to mind.
There are also those skiers who REALLY suffer from cold hands and feet and I feel for ya, I really do. Being cold sucks, and that’s where these babies come in. Not only are they light, cheap and very portable, but they can help you dig out from one of those, “I’m never going to be warm again” funks that can ensnare even the best of us from time to time. In fact, I just happen to have top-secret inside knowledge of a certain elite skier and U.S. Birkie winner who places toe warmers in his boots for every ski under 0 Celsius. This is not some spoiled East Coast Nancy-boy either; this is a rough-and-tough Midwesterner who grew up on pond hockey and is no stranger to cold weather. So if years of inattentive parenting and frostbite have compromised your circulatory system to the point where almost every ski is an unpleasant one, these are most definitely for you.
FBD Pro Tip: The hit parade doesn’t stop there. Since I make my living by allowing pesky customers to bother me at all times of day and night, I depend on my phone. Since I would kill myself if I had to spend another two decades chained to a desk, an undisclosed amount of my “workday” may or may not involve me being outside. Since all of the phone manufacturers seem to be ensconced in some sort of perverse arms race to add largely useless features to our phones at the expense of trivial things like battery life, combined with the well-documented deleterious effect that cold has on all types of batteries, these two factors could conspire to produce rapid and unfortunate FBD unemployment unless evasive maneuvers are taken — in this case this means keeping your phone warm at all costs on the slopes/tracks/ice cave strip clubs. How is this done? You guessed it, a strategically placed hand warmer. You’re welcome. There are specially made pockets for phones that hold hand warmers, but all of the ones I’ve tested are basically crap. Go “old skool” with a Ziplock baggie and a paper towel around your phone (it’s equally bad to let your phone get too hot and hand warmers can throw off a fair amount of heat).
Buy these for every crafty consultant who sneaks away from his desk at every possible opportunity, every patient race-course volunteer, and heck, maybe even a few of those aforementioned East Coast chronic-complainer Nancy-boys in your life. $29.95 at L.L. Bean
Since everyone loves clean, stink-free undies and fresh training duds, when the fine folks at Y Athletics contacted me to review the line of high-performance athletic clothing, using only a slight variation on that opening line, I was of course, interested. What really caught my eye was the merino-wool underwear. For those of you playing along at home, my fondness for merino (the fabric, not the quarterback) is well known and for good reasons: it is probably the most comfortable, functional, and practical material every made. It is comfortable in the hot, cold, wet, dry and everyplace in-between (no pun intended).
It also resists odors, dries relatively quickly, and maintains a soft touch to the skin for the life of the fabric. These are great qualities for any piece of clothing, but perhaps in no other example are these attributes more appreciated than in underpants. Goddamnit, that’s a great word, too, by the way: underpants. Not underWEAR, not skivvies, not boxers, not briefs, not undies, not fundies, but underpants. It’s as if you are back in kindergarten. Ah, simpler times…
So what is the verdict on the new underpants? A huge thumbs up (I was going to go with a different anatomic region here, but my evil taskmasters at FasterSkier are still WAY too hung up on things like decency and decorum — bastards.) The Y Athletics fundies are warm, cool, dry and basically just all-around comfortable. They survived a tour of duty in West Yellowstone that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy: highly infrequent washings, and when they were washed, this process was often done poorly. When on duty, they were subjected prolonged training sessions in a wide variety of temperatures, and regularly exposed to all sorts of body fluids that I’d rather not describe here. And they came through with flying colors. Well, they were black, but you see my point. Overall, an excellent product.
The Y Athletics team also sent along a sleeveless T and a long-sleeve shirt which unfortunately are made from a different fabric. They refer to the fabric as their “SilverAir technology,” with its breakdown being 69 percent nylon, 26 percent polyester, 5 percent metallic. It is designed to repel odor and be able to go for weeks at a time without washing, and in general, it worked as advertised. Overall, it is also pretty comfortable, but truth be told, I wish they used merino instead. It’s still a good product and WAY better than any cotton T-shirt that you may be rocking, but based on how good their Dan Marino underwear is, I think using this fabric in their shirts would be a home run.
Artist’s rendition of the arms, skin and teeth of Josh Smullin: emphasis on arms, or lack thereof.
One other minor grievance is while the sleeveless T is great for rollerskiing (in particular in the high-visibility red), the arm holes are a little small. I suppose this is fine for guys like Josh Smullin, whose arms rival those of a T-Rex, or perhaps a baby bird, but when you’re rolling w/ the FBD, you need to have some room in the arm holes when you are inviting all of the ladies in the weight room to the gun show, if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, you probably stopped reading this column long ago, so no sense in trying to explain this now.
Definitely buy the underroos the next time American Airlines loses your luggage, you finally get a girlfriend, or your existing rotation of man-panties is SO pathetic that even you, the person with shockingly little dignity, is disgusted with yourself. Buy the sleeveless shirt if you need something to help increase your odds of survival out there on your whap sticks amongst the angry motorists and buy the long-sleeve if you’re too cheap to buck-up for merino, yet you still have an incredible aversion to the laundry room. $40-$68 at Y Athletics (Editors’s note: Y Athletics only offers men’s products)
Let’s assuming that you’ve been hanging on my every word for the past umpteen years I’ve been in this miserable job. You’ve purchased every single piece of gear that I’ve ever reviewed, taken every piece of training advice to heart and applied every single physiological and lifestyle principle ever implied, inferred, projected, or prescribed. If so, you’re undoubtedly in a state of perpetual bliss: you ski speed has never been higher, your job prospects are rich and plentiful and as for your interactions with MOS/MSS, well, let’s just say that you are SLAYING IT (which is saying something, as you’re a nordic skier, so that means that you usually hit the town about 2x/year and you’re panicked the entire time that you are somehow compromising your recovery, that your HRV score will be too high, and that your urine osmolality will be off for a few days, as you’ve convinced yourself that the beer that you split with Smullin is dehydrating you so much that it’s going to take you three or four days to recover.)
In your largely futile attempts to overcome these formidable psychological hurdles interacting with potential partners, here’s where once again I have your back: a new fresh shirt to help increase your chances of successfully interacting with a “civilian,” who somehow hasn’t yet become bored with you, despite your long and rambling soliloquy on proper waxing for transformed snow or how your carefully monitoring your HRV score has changed your life.
As you undoubtedly know from several failed attempts, there really aren’t that many ways to be cool and given the fact that you’re a nordic skier means the deck is already stacked against you, so here’s one that basically goof-proof, even for you: buy Kuhl. This mountain brand (or wannabe mountain brand; it’s such a fine line these days and they’re based of our SLC, which is kinda mountain town, but also kinda not) should fit the bill nicely.
Give your kid a weird name and this is what’s showing up for Thanksgiving dinner in a few years. You’ve been warned.
Actually, these are nice shirts and they should fit you even if you name is not Bill. Which, by the way, seems to be just about everyone these days, as every goddamn parent has to show the world how clever and creative they are and name their demon seed something ridiculous like Skyavenger or DragonslayerHeissmanWinner. Why can’t people use normal names anymore? Like Bill. Bill is a solid name. A normal name. A word to the wise: normal name = normal job. I’ve been in lots of board rooms and I’ve yet to hear anyone utter the phrase, “Great idea, Hunterbombasticon, why don’t you run this project. Let’s see what you can do.” No, when I hear one of those names, it is usually because I’m using it to say thank you to the person with the ironic handlebar mustache, suspenders and man capris who just made me my latte.
So do your favorite aspiring corporate-ladder-climber but current barista a solid and hook them up with this shirt – think of it as investing in their future. And yours, as a real job also means finally getting them out of that studio apartment above your garage. Long-sleeve shirts starting at $50 at KÜHL
This shirt looks best in a heap on the floor at the foot of the bed of that cute girl/guy you’ve been low-key crushing all season. Invest in some new threads, tighten up that rap, maybe get a real haircut and make it happen.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret, elite athletes eat well. Very well. I’ve hosted many an indigent pro skier and also had the pleasure of having many extremely accomplished elite skiers invite me into their home. One of the things that I am struck with on almost every occasion is how well all of them eat. Very rarely is it anything crazy, trendy, or complicated, it is usually just meals that follow the very simple advice your grandmother probably gave you, “Eat a balanced diet rich in fresh fruits and vegetables.” Boom. That’s it. No crazy rhino horn extracts, whale penis smoothies, or exotic cuts of meat prepared in secrecy to protect the ancient family recipe. Nope, just fresh fruits, vegetables, lean means and healthy carbs.
Since everyone is busy, I’ve also noticed that many a World Cupper, whether it be a biathlete, XC skier, or NoCo athlete (as I roll with all three), often starts their day with a vegetable smoothie. And the weapon of choice in the dog-eat-dog world of smoothie preparation is either a Vitamix or a BlendTec. Since the FBD is very impressionable, when I saw that Timmy and Andrea Burke had a Vitamix, I thought that’s what I had better buy, because if I buy the same blender as Timmy and Andrea, it certainly stands to reason that I will have the shooting accuracy and ski speed of Timmy and Andrea. Work with me here people, it’s called the transitive property of ski speed. Look it up.
No fair using it for 5,000 calorie milkshakes, then calling me, crying that “the plan,” didn’t work. Use this only for good, never evil.
Editor’s note: It’s here! For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. Kicking the series off, recommendations for recovery gifts to keep you and your ski buddies on the trails and injury free.
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Day 2: Training Clothing
OK, we got after it pretty hard yesterday, so we’re going to take a piece of our own advice a chill a bit today. Just like it’s a mistake to rip out intervals every day (I’m looking at you, JUOM)…
Two-time Olympian, Duncan Douglas, a.k.a. Jacked Up Old Man, on the top of some cold, miserable, mountain somewhere, yelling at whomever took the photo that they should still be moving or else their heart rates were going to get too low and they would need to repeat the workout.
… it’s probably also a mistake to charge that hard on gear for 12 days. I think we’ll all go crazy if we hit every day as hard as we hit it yesterday, so we’re going to dial it back a bit today in our coverage of training clothing.
Don’t get me wrong, this topic is as near and dear to my cold heart as recovery is, but inherent in its very nature is a more subdued, less-scientific approach, so this should allow for the presentation of today’s offerings with minimal lecturing and wild pontification (please keep in mind, these are all very relative statements). There is most certainly some good science and technology behind clothing, in particular these days, but don’t worry, I’ll do my best to not cite any peer-reviewed studies. Today. This won’t be easy on any of us though, for who doesn’t love a good randomized, double-blind, peer reviewed research paper? Don’t fret though fellow data nerds, I have plenty more science up my sleeve down the road.
Part of what makes the ski community great is the, well, community. I was talking to Brian Gregg after his SuperTour win last Sunday and I told him that it was nice to see a good guy win. His response was excellent too, as he asked me, “Thanks FBD, but honestly, are there any guys out here who aren’t good guys that you wouldn’t want to see win?” This is such a good point and it goes to show you that even at the highest level in the sport, those fighting tool and nail for a chance to represent our country at the highest and most prestigious level of international competition, the Olympics, still have the utmost respect and admiration for their competitors. THIS is the nordic community. Brian’s comment got me thinking, too, have I ever met a nordic skier that I didn’t like? No, I really haven’t. It’s amazing, when you think about it. There are plenty of people who don’t like me, but that’s another story. Plus, I have a column and they don’t, so there. Go peddle your hate elsewhere, you hatey, hate mongers.
Following up on this thought (the positive one, not the FBD-hater dealie), I wanted to offer up this first product in the spirit of supporting our great community — a hat from a local shop that does so much for the nordic world, Freeheel and Wheel in West Yellowstone, Montana. They are in the awkward position of having thousands of very needy, nordic nerds descend into their shop for one week per year, yet they must balance this with what, let’s just say, is a bit more moderate traffic flow the rest of the year. Being scalable enough to accommodate these enormous fluctuations in activity speaks volume about the strength and flexibility of this shop. Sure, you can get a hat anywhere, but why not cruise up to the West Yellowstone Ski Festival next year for some of the best early-season skiing anywhere in the country and support this awesome local secret with the purchase of a beanie, wax, and some coffee. Local love. Pay it forward.
The wonderful owners of Freeheel and Wheel, Kelli and Melissa, showing off both their steez and their great shop.
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$30 – $99
Ah, warm hands — this is where the rubber meets the road, er, the tracks. This is the one thing that seems to befell sooooo many skiers, making this topic literally a year-round passion for me. I fly to Eagle Glacier, Europe and South America in the summers with bags full of gloves for testing. It is a labor of love and one that you, the loyal reader, gets to reap the rewards. Truth be told, I greatly enjoy this process as well, as nothing is more rewarding than helping someone find a comfortable glove after years of suffering and nothing is more priceless than the look on the customs official’s face when he asks why I have 15 sets of winter gloves in my bag in the summer. The discussion goes something like this: I tell him I have all of these gloves because I’m going to South America. We then stare at each other for 30 seconds of incredibly awkward silence while I wait to see if he can remember that the seasons are opposed in the Northern and Southern Hemispheres, so “our” summer is “their” winter (quotes provided as I consider myself essentially a local Argentinian). Tensions rise as he gets increasingly nervous and annoyed from my smug and confident stare, because deep down he thinks he remembers hearing something about something called the equator, but he doesn’t really remember exact what he/she/it actually does. He does know enough to know that my answer is somehow relevant, he just has no idea how or why. I’ve seen this movie dozens of times now and it never ceases to amaze me. A word to the wise though, tread lightly here, as even though you may have the high moral ground and a superior understanding of basic Earth science, he has handcuffs and a gun. Let it drop and move on you way to begin slamming beers for the gut-wrenching 11-hour flight.
This geographical obtuseness is sadly not limited to surly customs agents who clearly were the last kids picked for teams at recess in elementary school, though. Unfortunately many people have no idea what happens outside their zip code. Travel people, travel. Or, in the very least, pay attention in junior high.
Let’s put aside under-educated and overly-dictatorial TSA and customs agents for now and return to our roots of supporting our community. Another key pillar, albeit at the opposite end of the spectrum from a small local shop, is Toko. Despite being one of the industry big boys, Toko probably has one of the best “boot on the ground” presence of any of the nordic soft goods companies. Lurking around the expo at the West Yellowstone Ski Festival, I personally witnessed the Toko team looking after athletes at ever level: they help support many U.S. Ski Team (USST) athletes, as well as non-USST athletes like Olympians Noah Hoffman and Brian and Caitlin Gregg (who each have national titles, have represented the US of A at the Olympics, have raced numerous World Cups in Team USA gear, and even have a World Championships medal between them), development teams, regional teams, high school teams, masters, you name it.
This is all well and good, but this would be a nice, though somewhat shallow, gesture if their products weren’t good, but they are good. Really good. A particular FBD favorite is the new Toko Thermo Race Glove. Full disclosure, the FBD was blessed with extraordinary foot-and-hand circulation and my problem (well, at least in terms body temperature regulation, I have dozens of other Great Dane-related problems that I’d rather not go into in this forum), is that I generally get too hot, not too cold. In our base layer review last year, the entire test team was amazed at how much less I wear on both training and race days than the rest of the team. The point here is that I don’t get cold very easily, so just the temperature range in which I wear these gloves will likely differ slightly for you.
With that caveat duly noted, even though these are technically “race” gloves, I personally find them perfect for training in all but the absolutely coldest conditions. They also have a very useful pad on the fingers that makes them touch-screen compatible, which is key when you take as many selfies as I do. I was a little slow off the line in the selfie game due to bad form, but thanks to extensive coaching from U.S. Ski Team Special Jumper Casey Larson, I have modified my stance, angle of approach, and overall bad attitude, so I am very pleased to report that my selfie game is now on point.
No apologies on my volume of posts or length of manuscripts either — I am a very sexy man who leads a fascinating life and I owe it to the people of Earth to share this journey in both excruciating detail and in extremely regular intervals (5.2/day to be precise, according to my expert staff of statisticians).
Now where was I? Oh yeah, gloves. These rock. Get’em. Be a good ‘Merican (Isn’t it ironic how much that contraction looks an awful lot like “Mexican,” especially considering the political outlook of the people most apt to use it? Food for thought) and go for the “Stars and Stripes” color-way, just like this dude, badass former U.S. Biathlete, Zach Hall. After all, it is an Olympic year. $49 on Tokous.com
Hunky Alaska Love Muffin Zach Hall showing everyone what’s up
I know, I know, I’m confusing everyone with my nomenclature and greatly flouting well-established conventions in the process, as I just finished talking about training in a product called a “Race Glove,” so if we’re wearing a race glove for training, where the hell should you be wearing training gloves/mittens? FBD, what are you doing to me?!?! How did this all get so confusing? Next, you’re going to tell me that it’s currently summer in Argentina, and we all know that is clearly impossible, as it’s HOT in the summer, dummy, and right now it is cold where I am sitting, ergo it must be cold everywhere in the world.
That very precent point aside, as noted earlier, the FBD “runs hot,” most likely due to a seething inner rage fueled by extensive time in domestic airports, East Coast traffic, and repeated, nonsensical texts from Josh Smullin. Thanks to a highly sophisticated understanding of the Krebs cycle, cellular metabolism and mammalian energy production, I have been able to channel this apoplectic fury into good instead of evil, and use my overall contempt of modern society to keep me warm in bad weather.
If people’s inability to not block the jetway off the airplane in their futile quest to find the enormous sign indicating the direction of baggage claim doesn’t drive you insane, you can probably have a normal reaction to cold and can just buy the same weight gloves as everyone else. If, however, the inattentiveness and complete disregard for the world around them of most people enables you to ski in your Speedo and forego most layers of insulation, have I got some suggestions for you.
Come to Alaska, hear the Speedo story.
Not to beleaguer this point, as my glove selection is spot on for me, but I’ve noticed over the years that a conversion factor is necessary for most people. You know, normal people. People who don’t sit alone in a cabin for two weeks and test gloves. And no, I am not kidding. I have issues. Two weeks. Two freakin’ weeks.
More specifically, I tend to scale 10-20 degrees colder than the “average” skier (i.e., what you’d wear on a 40-degree day, I’d wear on a 20-30 degree day). And before the haters out there get all huffy, I don’t view this as a positive or a negative, just the reality of the situation. I only bring it up to contextualize these recommendations and to optimize them for the unwashed masses. That’s you people.
So how does this all translate to you, the “normal” skier? For most people, in particular those whose fingers chill easily (not to be confused with Netflix and chill, which is something altogether completely different), I strongly recommend the Toko Toasty Mitten for average-to-cold training days. My hands would ignite if I wore these on any day over 10 degrees F, but for many skiers I talked to, they are the perfect choice for most winter days. Regardless of where you slot in on the cold tolerance index, we’re all out there on days that we think are “cold,” (whatever the hell that means to you) and these things are perfect for cold days. So get a pair for days that you perceive to be cold and please STFU about your Raynaud’s syndrome. You don’t have that — you just have crappy gloves and base layers (more on the latter shortly). $35 at Tokous.com
Speaking of spontaneous appendage combustion, the last offering in today’s installment of how to not lose your fingers to frostbite is the LL Bean Men’s Ultralight 850 Down Gloves. Unless you’ve lived in the desert your entire life and have blood with the viscosity of air, these gloves are WAY too hot for any sort of aerobic activity. Where they shine however is on your way to and fro the tracks. Even though that crafty Chinese hoax seems to be killing winter, it can still cold in the morning when you go to scrape your windshield, set up the biathlon range, or stand motionless on the race course giving splits. For all of these activities and more, you want this glove. It is warm, yet not so bulky that you can’t grab ahold of your disobedient Great Dane’s collar as he is running to knock over your neighbor coming home with delicious smelling pizza. (photo unavailable of the Great Dane pizza “incident,” as relations are currently a little frosty with that particular neighbor)
Save your relationship, and your fingers, and buy these now. $49.95 at L.L. Bean
Substantially Less Hunky Philly Hate-Muffin FBD trying to pretend that he knows what’s up
It has occurred to me over the years that perhaps another one of the reasons why I don’t get cold hands or feet is that I pay particular attention to my base layers. I give considerable thought before each sesh as to not only the projected temperature during the ski, but also factors like the sun, wind, and the prescribed intensity level of the scheduled workout. Doing intervals on a -2 C day when it’s sunny, with no wind and low humidity requires a very different set of choices than going easy on a +2 C day when it is windy and rainy.
Being the spoiled, gear prima donna that I am, I am in the envious position of having literally dozens of options when I’m at Fast Big Dog Racing HQ (FBDRHQ, or Faabidoorahick, as we say “around the shop) in Steamboat, but as anyone who follows me on Instagram knows, I am a man of the world and part of being pro is bring only what you need on trips and absolutely nothing more.
Since I am a wily veteran of the travel game and no-one is more pro than me (I’m looking at you, Taylor Fletcher), I can go minimalist with the best of them and the lynchpin of this entire concept is being able to select multipurpose garments that are functional over a very wide temperature range. For example, did you know that wind briefs can be repurposed as a buff, headband, or in a pinch, even a cold-weather mask? It’s true. I’ve seen Ollie Burruss execute the latter on several occasions and he went to Harvard, so he’s smart. But I’m getting off-topic. Focus FBD, focus.
One of my favorites base layers this year is this offering from Bjorn Daehlie, the Airnet, their new wool training top. It is Merino wool, so it is warm in a wide variety of temperatures, maintains its insulation properties well when it is wet, offers excellent wicking, and perhaps most importantly, resists odor magnificently, which is key on those long training camps. $79.95 on Backcountry.com
Clearly designed for pre- and apres-ski, this jacket is warm, light, comfortable and at $250, one helluva value.
Continuing today’s theme of “community,” it’s important to point out that this isn’t just a great jacket, but like Toko, L.L. Bean is a great company. They are an official supplier to the U.S. Ski Team, they have excellent products, and they do a great job supporting our athletes. If you are looking for a new puffy to strut your stuff around town on your way to and from the ski, shovel the driveway, or walk the stupid Great Dane, this is your jam, as not only do you get a great coat at a great price, but you’re also supporting a company that supports our community. Pay it forward. $249 at L.L. Bean
No heat in your remote, Ted Kaczynski style Montana cabin? No problem if you are rolling with the L.L. Bean puffy. The afternoon nap was never more luxurious.
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