FasterSkier

Tag: FBD gift guide

  • FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 12

    FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 12

    Editor’s note: This is it — the final installment of the 12-day holiday gift guide, authored by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. See also: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7 | Day 8 | Day 9 | Day 10 | Day 11

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    Day 12: Masters World Cup Total World Domination Package

    Day Twelve. We made it. Wow. Sure, we lost a few along the way, good men (and women, though most women were likely smart enough to not set foot on this sinking ship in the first place)

    Taking a journey with 12 Days of FBD writing is like going on a poorly captained cruise ship (though thankfully with much, much less diarrhea and WAY fewer fat people). Come aboard, we’ve been expecting you.

    As a quick aside, I bartended at Smullin’s rehearsal dinner, so I naturally wore a name tag that read, “Isaac,” and YES, I sure as hell did the “double gun” finger point all night. I am frickin’ awesome.

    So as we are pulling into port, thanks to the steady hand of Captain Stubing, the compassion of Julie McCoy, and the vision and brilliance of yours truly, I am pleased to report that all of your relationship issues have been solved and life is good. That’s what happened every week on The Love Boat and it’s what is going to happen here. We’re going to end this wonderful series but going back to where we started, racing.

    In Day 1 (yes, I know, that seems like a long, long time ago, doesn’t it?), we focused on recovery. Why? (Let’s all say it together) You don’t get fast from doing hard workouts, you get fast by recovering from hard workouts. What is probably the hardest of all workouts? Racing. So we’re going to come full circle and finish up by talking about racing, more specifically, Master Blaster Worlds (MBW). I know, I know, they have some super-serious, long, fancy name, but to all of us “in the know,” they are Master Blaster Worlds. And this year they just so happen to be in the good ol’ U.S. of A.

    So one of my many goodbye gifts to you (there have been so many, as I view each of my written words as a gift to you. I told you I was a ‘giver.’), is that I (with the help of my latest Cracker Jack crew) am going to get you styled out for MBWs. If you don’t have all of the race gear, race clothing, casual clothing, recovery tools, and every other piece of equipment, software, or soft goods that you could even possibly need by now, well then God help you, as I don’t know if it would have been possible for me to write any more on any of these topics. At one point a few days ago I even got a call from the Internet, asking me to delete some of my earlier columns, because the Internet had run out of room.

    This means that you can’t possibly need anything else to wear, so what else could you need? Wax, that’s what. Wait a minute, wait a minute FBD, didn’t you that kook Caldwell yell at you about wax a few days ago? Yes, he did, and all of that yelling is still as applicable today as the day it was yelled, and I’m going to call that ‘good general ski wax knowledge,’ but since no one loves you like I do, I also going to go one step further and also bring in another panel of experts to talk about their years of experience training on racing on the exact MBW course.

    Take it from someone who has spent a lot of time in World Cup wax cabins, nothing beats local knowledge. There’s a reason why we send techs to World Championship and Olympic venues a year or two or THREE in advance, to start testing waxes. Can you imagine if you had over 40 years of experience testing in one particular venue under your belt? Well, you don’t need to imagine it, because that’s what I’m bringing to you here today, along with a few hard good recommendations as well.

    As I did was Zach and Nathan in Day 7, I am stepping back a bit and letting Matt Liebsch and the crew at Pioneer Midwest take the controls here, so full disclosure, I have not tested all of these products. These are the recommendations of Pioneer Midwest, written by Pioneer Midwest, not me, so if you have crappy skis at MBW and U R so PO’d that it’s a BFD, HU ML at PM ASAP 2 say FU.

    I also feel compelled to give credit where credit is due — the phrase, “Total World Domination, (TWD)” or at least in the context that it is used here, was created by Duncan Douglas, a.k.a., Jacked Up Old Man. If you don’t know Duncan, well, you are missing out. “TWD” is Duncan’s approach to each and every workout, from his early days as an Olympic biathlete, to whatever the hell insane 9 hours of activity he did last night, that’s just how JUOM rolls. He is my hero.

    Recommendations from Matt Liebsch/Pioneer Midwest below:

    ***

    Under $29

    RCF Pink

    Rex RCF Pink: Pioneer Midwest pick for under $29

    This pink block of wax is hard and medium-fluorinated, which is great for all the manmade snow at Wirth Park. Your waxing strategy needs to be built upon a solid base that will resist abrasion from granular snow, which is exactly the type of conditions present at Wirth Park the past few years. RCF Pink is a go to wax for World Cup technicians because World Cup races are regularly held on courses with manmade snow. This is a great wax for Wirth as long as the snow is not brand new. Patrick Moore is an awesome dude and one of the best techs on the World Cup… he shows how to apply this hard stuff in this video.

    $19.95 at Pioneer Midwest

     

    Rex Liquid Klisters

    Rex Liquid Klister (Gold): Pioneer Midwest pick for under $29

    Thin to win right?! Well that is easier said when working with klister. Rex has some new liquid klisters that apply easily with a sponge applicator. They are incredibly easy to use while keeping the layer of klister thin and mess free. No more klister running off the tails of your skis. We have found Rex Base Klister a workable solution in many conditions at Wirth as a base-kick option and the Rex Gold… that stuff is just the best on artificial snow.

    $14.95 at Pioneer Midwest

     

    ***

    $30 – $99

    Rex Hydrex

    Rex Hydrex Gel: Pioneer Midwest pick for $30-$99

    Whenever I have great success classic skiing at Wirth Park it seems to involve me using Rex Hydrex.

    This is a gliding wax used to cover kicking waxes. If you are on klister, it generally speeds things up without sacrificing kick, but make sure to always test it on your warmup skis before shot-gunning it. It works awesome as a treatment for skin skis or zero skis.  Also, in warm temps it can be used on the gliding zones as well and I know for a fact it has seen high-level success at the World Cup both as a covering wax for kick and as a glide top coat.

    $84.95 at Pioneer Midwest

     

    Swix HF5BW

    HF5BWX Black Wolf: Pioneer Midwest pick for $30-$99

    This is a go-to race paraffin for Wirth Park when they don’t have natural snow (most of the time). The workable temp range is huge for this wax at Wirth: 10 F to 35 F+. Most years they have mixed dirty artificial snow and HF5BW is near unbeatable in standard (unfortunately standard) Wirth snow conditions. If there is no new snow in sight, use this. The other standby that shines under these conditions is Rex RCF Pink.

    $77.95 at Pioneer Midwest

     

    Start MF10

    Start Medium Fluor Glider MF10 Green: Pioneer Midwest pick for $30-$99

    Natural snow in Minneapolis in January means only one thing … it is freakin’ cold. My #1 tested cold natural snow race base wax for the Twin Cities is Start MF10. I have tried to beat it for years; Start HF10 comes close as do a lot of things, but if you are looking for something that works all the time and does not cost a fortune, you cannot miss with this wax in super-cold squeaky natural snow conditions. Make sure you have a cold profile ski and a super-cold grind…. I like our SC0. Check out our stone-grinding services.

    $43.95 at Pioneer Midwest

    World Cup Waxing Service

    Masters World Cup Waxing Service: Pioneer Midwest pick for $30-$99

    Want to leave the waxing supplies at home for World Masters and have us take care of it all for you? We have been skiing at Wirth Park for over 20 years. We know what works and more importantly we know what does not work. Whenever I have traveled the country and world I have had great success getting wax support and grind support from the locals because they know what works the best. Pioneer Midwest will be and are your local experts. Let us take care of your skis for you and we will prepare them for whatever the weather and Wirth Park throws at us for World Masters.

    $85 at Pioneer Midwest

    Editor’s note: Also offered by other retailers, like Boulder Nordic Sport (1 pair of skis | 2 pair of skis)

    ***

     

    $100 – $299

    Swix HVC Cold and Warm

    Swix HVC Cold: Pioneer Midwest pick for $100-$299

    Speed without having to think about it. The Swix HVC liquids are super easy and extraordinarily fast on the artificial snow at Wirth Park. Again, I have tested a boatload of liquid waxes at Wirth and these are always near the top. I qualified top 6 in a SuperTour sprint qualifier a few years ago at Wirth on HVC and that is outstanding considering my history of sprinting. When the conditions are below 25 F and artificial snow, we use the cold version, and when warmer than 25 F, we use the warm version. This stuff is super easy to use, wipe on, let dry 3 minutes or longer, go race. An application of Swix HVC can last upwards of 15 km. But careful in mixed new snow as they can be a liability, but when skiing on old snow grab the appropriate Swix HVC and go for it. The other staple liquid to try if the snow gets a little dirtier from heavy use is Rex Ruka.

    $139.95 at Pioneer Midwest

     

    Rex TK-245

    Rex TK-245 Fluoro Powder: Pioneer Midwest pick for $100-$299

    If I had to shotgun one powder for warm weather racing above 20 F, this would be it. This wax has a Birkie win under its belt and it has been a no-brainer choice on the World Cup for years. It runs very well at Wirth Park. The other powder that always seems to be in the mix at Wirth in the artificial snow is Toko Red 2.0.

    $144.95 at Pioneer Midwest

     

    HWK 90mo50

    HWK Fluor Stick 9Mo50: Pioneer Midwest pick for $100-$299

    Wet and dirty snow at Wirth Park seems to happen more often than we would like. The HWK guys are always testing on the WC biathlon circuit and they race and test on wet, dirty, artificial snow all the time. This was my top coat at the Birkie 2 years ago and I have won a few SuperTour races at Wirth Park on this wax. It is easy to apply and a no-brainer in wet/dirty Minneapolis city snow if we get those conditions.

    $108.95 at Pioneer Midwest

     

    Swix Triac 2.5 Poles

    Swix Triac 2.5 Poles: Pioneer Midwest pick for $100-$299

    Want a top level pole without having to spend $500? This is your ticket. We have a lot of Triac 2.5 poles on closeout and it is the same shaft as the new $500 Triac 3.0. The difference is the strap and if you are keen on watching a lot of World Cup racing you may have noticed many of the best skiers in the world were using the 2.5 pole even after the 3.0 was released. Why? Well the traditional strap/grip with some real estate to rest your thumb is very nice at a cost of only a few grams. Plus we think the graphics on the 2.5 are better.

    $299 at Pioneer Midwest

    ***

    Over $300

    Race Skin Skis

    Fischer Twin Skin Carbon skis: Pioneer Midwest pick for over $300

    Panic waxing, no more. Yes, a perfectly waxed classic ski with the perfect application will outperform a no-wax ski most of the time. But how often does that happen?! Even Norway screws up the kick wax — look what happened at Ruka this year. Klæbo won the men’s World Cup distance classic race on no-wax skis. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a backup race classic ski for when you or your wax tech miss the kick wax and you have no kick or too much kick and you start panic-mode 15 minutes before your race start? Think about how great it could be if you have a rocket-fast skin ski with bomber kick, covered in Rex Hydrex waiting in case of panic. We stock every major brand of racing skins, just drop us a line if you want to order some anti-panic skis. Check out our Ski Request services.

    Skin skis starting at $149.95 at Pioneer Midwest

    ***

    Conclusion

    This is me again, FBD.

    As we are winding this down, questions continue to roll in as to how I managed to get all of these amazing reviews done, not only so amazingly well, but also so amazingly fast. Part of my secret I shared the other day with this very insightful video, and part of it derives from my scrupulous attention to detail and a work ethic that I learned from Hunter S. Thompson.

    For anyone unfamiliar with his legendary schedule, I strong encourage you to carefully review this and adapt to your life, as necessary.

    In reality, my own schedule is quite similar. First off, I applaud Mr. Thompson for getting a full 8 hours of sleep each “night,” as every good athlete knows that recovery is the key to success. Well done, Hunter. I choose to follow this lead wherever possible, with only a slight 14-hour shift in the prescribed bedtime (Wow, Hunter and I sure used the word ‘prescribed’ in a very different sense, huh?).

    Regarding diet, this is also another key pillar to success to all athletes and one small area in which Mr. Thompson and I deviate slightly. My food profile is a little more centered around fresh fruits and vegetables and a little less centered around cocaine and cigarettes, but I think we’re really splitting hairs here. Can starting the day with three lines of blow and a Marlboro Red really be all that different than a kale smoothie and a quinoa/egg white omlette? I think most doctors will tell you no.

    Apparently he and I also share a love for pasta, orange juice and Dove bars, so I have to believe that I am well on my way. To where? Who knows, but I do know one thing, it’s not here.

    Wait, perhaps that a bit too dramatic — I am neither quitting, nor being fired (at least not to the best of my knowledge, but I suppose that could change at any moment), but this does mark the end of 12 Days of FBD and what a ride it has been.

    I hope everyone has enjoyed reading this work as much as I have enjoyed writing it and I would most certainly be amiss if I didn’t pay a huge thanks to my evil, corporate overlords at FasterSkier who give me a TREMENDOUS amount of room to run and support me completely in what assuredly is the most “colorful” gear review out there.

    In particular, I want to say an extra special thanks to my editor, Alex Kochon. Despite the fact that the word “cochon” is French for pig, Alex is anything but that. This may come as a huge surprise to all of you, but I can be exceedingly difficult to work with — I submit 7,000 word reviews on even the simplest of topics and I have a deep emotional attachment to each and every one of those words. From my perspective, the removal of even one of my carefully chosen locutions results is such a devastating seismic shift that the newly butchered text takes on a completely different dimension, one with potentially earth-destroying consequences. In addition to this unbreakable ionic bond I have to each and every carefully chosen and very precise phase, I also have a flair for the melodramatic. And I am also quite needy. No, really, it’s true. I’m not sure, but I think I also complain a lot. However, I do know that a lot of people complain about me, so in my mind, those two kind of balance out.

    Combine all of this with the fact that I regularly submit work at well past midnight and hopefully it is evident how key a role Alex played in this process. She is a smart, calm, caring person and truly a joy to work with each day, as always manages to quickly and efficiently format and post my work, thankfully usually only with a minimum of edits. Her professionalism is unrivaled, as are her talents (this is the case for most of the FS staff, with the notable exceptions of Albert and Kentch, who are terrible, terrible hacks). This team has some of my biggest fans and the feeling is most certainly mutual.

    We do need to teach Alex a lesson though, so when you see her on the tracks, the street, or in the grocery store, please ask her to tell you the third fictional name that she removed from my rant about the oh-so-annoying trends in child naming. Not only is it “family friendly”, but it is also hilarious. And she took this from you. You have been robbed. Now she must pay. So ask. And ask. And ask. If she says no, ask her again.

    So as I prepare to sign off, I sincerely hope that these columns were of some assistance, albeit minor. Whether I somehow managed to provide you a good holiday gift idea idea or even if these rambling diatribes just helped you kill a few minutes at work and stick it to The Man, it doesn’t really matter. It’s not important if you read each and every column, hanging on every work, skimmed a few when you were stuck in an airport with absolutely nothing else to do, or just looked at it for the funny pictures, if you got even one things out of all of this, that’s all that matters.

    Hopefully the biggest thing that you did get out of the columns is my hope that everyone realizes that we’re all in this life together. Clean air and clean water shouldn’t be a partisan issue. It just should not. Everyone on the planet deserves access to land not choked with pollution and a safe place to raise their families. We’re at a cross-roads in this country on many of these issues and hopefully enough people will realize the seriousness of these problems and get involved before it is too late.

    Science!

    So get involved. Pay attention (not just to the signs for baggage claim, but everything in the world around you. Even if a problem isn’t in your backyard, you should still care). Vote. Demand more of your politicians and yourself. We created all of these problems and it is up to us to fix them. But let’s not just fix them, let’s also fix our approach: thoughtful, rational discourse is our only way out, so let’s all hope we can find this, as soon. Facts are nothing to be feared, they are our salvation. Science isn’t always perfect, but it’s the best tool that we have, so it should not be feared, scorned, suppressed, or redacted, it should be embraced.

    Finally, even though I took a lot of cheap shots at people, places, and institutions in the past 12 days, it was all done in good fun and with nothing but the best of intentions, (except for you, American Airlines, you truly suck, that was a legal carry-on bag that you made me check it. And I haven’t forgotten about it.)  This is a wonderful sport and a wonderful community, so on behalf of the entire FasterSkier team, I’d like to wish everyone a very happy, sexy and snowy holiday. Be kind. Be aware. Be awesome.

    See you out there.

    FBD, Over and Out.

  • FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 11

    FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 11

    Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. See also: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7 | Day 8 | Day 9 | Day 10

    ***

    Day 11: Slopestyle

    I hate it when people get all twisted up about people who don’t do “their” thing. There are thousands of activities in which you can partake in your leisure time and don’t get all uppity if someone has a different jam than you. I don’t collect antique figurines, but if that’s what makes you happy, have at it hoss (prepare yourself for a bit of a Texas theme today). To have this stone throwing going on within our own endurance sports community is nothing short of idiotic: skiers hating on snowboarders. Road riders turning their noses up at mountain bikers. And perhaps worst of all, alpiners throwing shade to nordies, or vice versa on any of those scenarios. This “crab in a bucket” phenomena is not only ridiculous, but also counterproductive. At a time when national parks, natural resources and the environment in general is under attack thanks to greed, stupidity and overall indifference, all of us who enjoy the great outdoors need to be banning together as one and presenting a unified, collective voice of condemnation to everyone stupid and ignorant enough to think that climate change is not a massive, massive problem.

    Yes, this is kind of a preachy start and I would apologize if it wasn’t for the fact that I feel pretty strongly that if we destroy the earth we are going to have a problem. All of us depend on the planet: skiers, snowboarders, surfers, hunters, fisherman, ornithologists, biologists, and everyone else who ventures outside for any activity. Please allow me to break this down even further — if you are breathing air, you need to vote for people who are going to help ensure that clean air is going to continue to be available. If you’ve ever been to Beijing, you know what I’m talking about. If you have not, get woke, as this is no joke (I knew I should have been a rapper — SO much flow, ya know?)

    If you think politics is boring and not applicable to you, or “they’re all bad,” or “my vote doesn’t matter,” your wrong, dead wrong. You also may soon be dead. Still wrong, too, btw, but now also dead. We’re not talking about voting on some crazy, random, esoteric tax code or obscure foreign policy deal in remote Sub-Saharan Africa, we’re talking about making sure that your home isn’t destroyed by the even-increasing “natural” disasters. We’re talking about making sure that you have clean water to drink and air that won’t kill you. You know, little stuff like that. The point is that we’re all in this together, so let’s keep that in mind, whether it is fighting declassification of national parks for oil and gas drilling, loosening environmental restrictions to allow more pollutants in the water, or even just going skiing. Check it fam, now THAT is a pivot.

    Following up on the latter, today’s column is about the more gravity oriented side of skiing, as absolutely nothing is wrong with going vertical from time to time. Yes, this is primarily a nordic-ski oriented publication, but I know tons of nordic nerds who can crush it on the slopes, and after all, the whole point of all of this is to have fun, so check the attitudes at the door Mr. Too Cool For School alpine d-bag dressed like a mashup between a disenfranchised suburban youth, Shawn White and a D-list white rapper.

    If this is you and your “crew,” then you need new friends. And new clothes.

    The only people who deserve constant, unrelenting criticism are the buffoons who waddle their giant whammies off the airplane, only to firmly plant their giant caboose smack-dab-middle in the jetway, therein blocking the exit for the remaining 240 people and slowing the process for everyone. You want to know to get to baggage claim, here’s a hint, FOLLOW THE GIANT SIGN THAT SAYS BAGGAGE CLAIM. Every airport has them. Every gate has them. A monkey could figure this out. Same principles apply to boarding as well. You see, each seat has a number and a letter. The number represents the row of your seat and the letter designates your seat within said row. The numbers on the rows go in order, from lowest to highest as you board the plan. That means in you are in row 39, you are not seated up front next to me. Why, you may ask? (and some of you, have asked). Because I’m in row 2. You are not. You are in row 39. Row 39 is not next to row 2, in fact, it is 37 rows away. So less talking and more walking.

    ***

    Under $29

    Neck Gaiter

    Pandana by Becca Rorabaugh: FBD pick for under $29

    Since the alpine vs. nordic debate can be a bit of a contentious one, we’re going to easy into today’s offerings with a product that straddles the line nicely — a neck gaiter. These are awesome for both alpine and nordic — and this is not just any gaiter, this is the “Pandana” that supports an elite skier. One of us. These revenues aren’t going to some evil corporation lavishing pay on their CEO while simultaneously screwing the average worker, but rather to one of our own, to someone trying to make it to the big show.

    I became a fan of Becca Rorabaugh’s brand when my custom hat arrived with an even more custom addition.

    Help APU rockstar Becca Rorabaugh fund her Olympic dream with the purchase of one of her sweet, custom neck gaiters.

    $22 at BeccaRorabaugh.com

    ***

     

    $30 – $99

    L.L. Bean U.S. Ski Team ProStretch Fleece Hooded Jacket

    L.L. Bean ProStretch Fleece Hooded Jacket, U.S. Ski Team (women’s): FBD pick for $30-$99

    Remember people, this column is about looking good AND feeling good. Yeah, you could most certainly “rock the pipe,” (take it easy all of you bible-bangers, I’m talking about this…)

    … in an undershirt and Daisy Dukes, but not only would you look like a complete idiot, but you would also be a cold idiot.

    FBD rules of engagement exist for your safety and for that of your team, either obey them, or you are history (that’s the next part of the quote for those of you out there who don’t know it because you have actual social lives): these carefully crafted mores (not to be confused with morays, which are eels, not rules, although someone, somewhere must have rules about eels, so I suppose you could have moray mores) have been rigorously designed to help you both look good and feel good.

    You’re most certainly not going to look good, feel good or have any rap with the ladies whatsoever if you’re the weird guy shivering on the lift in his cut-off, pocked-out jorts.

    After being asked to leave his mom-jeans book club due to his refusal to discuss anything but peer-reviewed scientific literature regarding aerobic training, a dejected Josh Smullin bought a home perm kit and headed off to greener pastures with his new jorts (and future Kook Of The Day feature) crew.

    With those caveats carefully engrained in your gray matter, let’s proceed.

    FBD loves a good hoodie. I mean really, who doesn’t? Hoodies rule. There is no better way to tear it up on the alpine hill, whether it be Dong Patrol, pressing glass on a powder day or throwin’ game in the park. All of the park rats are always jibbin’, flippin’, stylin’, and all of the other ‘in’s’ in hoodies, but lest anyone thinks that hoodies are only from groms, you can do plenty of good work in one as a responsible adult as well. Or in my case, a somewhat mildly responsible, quasi-adult (think of a much taller, sexier Peter Pan, with better taste in clothes, while also not owning a peanut butter company, though I do move like this on the dance floor).

    Rock this beauty from L.L. Bean on an alpine day if you want to look like a park grom and don’t mind being cold after about 15 minutes, or wear it out on the town if you want to look like a normal human who understands the importance of activity-specific attire.

    $89 at L.L. Bean

    ***

     

    $100 – $299

    Shades

    Steve McQueen™ Special Edition sunglasses: FBD pick for $100-$299

    Not just shades, but uber-cool Italian shades, simply oozing with style. Paul Newman wore them. Steve McQueen wore them. And now so can you.

    Steve McQueen Persol sunglasses

    What’s the one way to mess this up? Wear these on the hill. These are Apres-ski glasses, people, APRES, I tells ya.

    $240 at Persol.com

     

    Big Agnes Puffy

    Big Agnes Fire Tower Belay Jacket (men’s): FBD pick for $100-$299

    I went ‘Old School’ a bit on this one and had to climb way up in the Trust Tree, the nest. As I was testing the gear-winning Big Agnes sleeping bag, not only was I quite impressed with the bag, but I was also reminded that I had a few of their jackets kicking around that I really liked. Once the bag passed my rigorous testing with flying colors, it reminded me that their coats also kick ass, so not only did I revisit the garment with which I have had great luck, but I even dove back into the ocean of outwear confusion to see what was new from BA in that department. I’m glad I did too, as I found a real keeper: the Fire Tower Belay Jacket.

    It’s a big puffy, so don’t wear it out to the bar in Colorado, or you’ll look like this guy…

    .. or even worse, a tourist from Texas (there is no greater indignity in any ski town bar than being asked if you are from Texas. If you ever hear this question, you need to immediately re-evaluate all of your clothing, speech, tone, volume, selection of vehicle, really every aspect of your life, for that matter, as this is truly Lifestyle DEFCON 1.

    Pro tip: that video is an extremely accurate depiction of what happens behind your back when you walk into any ski-town bar dressed like this:

    So now that you’ve been suitably warned (and warmed) about the dangers of inappropriate usage, let’s talk about some of the places where you can wear the coat without getting laughed out of the room. For starters, it’s called a belay jacket for a reason — have you ever belayed someone ice climbing? It is cold as hell, so you obviously need a warm jacket, and this one is perfect. I suppose that’s why they called it the “Belay Jacket.” Makes sense. I bet these guys know how to board an airplane.

    To and from the tracks is obviously a no-brainer, as we all know that you don’t need to wear a lot when you’re nordic skiing, yet allowing yourself to get chilled post-ski is a surefire way to get yourself sick (and to piss off everyone around you who has to listen to you whine about you being cold the whole way down from Rabbit Ears — bring a second coat dummy, how hard is that?)

    Another acceptable nordic usage is coaching and/or spectating. Skiing on even the coldest of days is generally fine, but man oh Manischewitz, can you get cold if you are just standing around.

    I’m a little torn on the alpine recommendation, as I my whole premise of today’s column is to NOT be too judgmental, but whew, I really struggle when I see this on the slopes:

    This is usually a good person to avoid.

    But, having said that, sticking with today’s theme, if rockin’ the giant puffy on the slopes is your program, well, so be it. Personally, I believe this to be a more appropriate garment for winter camping, mountaineering, ice climbing, all of the aforementioned nordic applications, and more, but yes, in a pinch you can use it for alpine — just stay the hell away from me, I have a reputation to uphold. On the plus side, you will be quite warm. Sure, this will most likely be from a combination of embarrassment and ridicule, but the coat is amazing nonetheless. And hey, at least it’s not a Bogner one-piece suit with a giant, chrome Eagle emblazoned on the back (and yes, those really do exist — they are quite popular with the Texas crowd and people who struggle with airplane boarding.)

    $299.95 at Big Agnes

  • FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 9

    FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 9

    Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. See also: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7 | Day 8

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    Day 9: Travel

    Travel. Ah, travel. It’s how we get to places for skiing (unless you are incredibly fortunate enough to have skiing right in your backyard, in which case, count your blessings), racing, business trips (for some) and I suppose, from time to time, even normal person stuff. Even on its best day, when you are going to do something cool, in a place that’s cool, travel sucks. And it seems to only be getting worse.

    Air travel is now a glorified bus ride, only with less personal space and substantially less dignity. I’d rather do a stint in solitary confinement in a Mexican prison than fly cross-country in the middle seat on a budget airline. Long gone are the days in which men wore suits, women dresses, and flight attendants were not quietly plotting to slit your throat. Thanks to deregulation, fare wars and real wars, air travel has devolved into people in body fluid-caked sweat pants screaming obscenities in-between bites of a soggy, flaccid-looking Wendy’s burgers that they got after a 30-minute wait on Concourse C. The Viet Cong treated people better than the modern air travel experience.

    So what’s a girl to do? Drive? That’s for suckers and the Griswold family.

    Ride your bike? I rode my bike across the country several years ago and while it was awesome, it’s probably not the most time-efficient manner of travel, in particular in the winter. And that was before cell phones, so nowadays, thanks to distracted drivers, you’d probably be dead within 50 miles of your house.

    Walk? We’re not far from this being your best option.

    Thankfully, all is not lost, it just so happens that your boy FBD is a seasoned, cagey, travel ninja. Yup, I know all of the tips, tricks and secrets, and since I now consider anyone who has held on this long in our wonderful wordy and worldly journey together this year to be family (in the sense that I will be avoiding all of you for the holidays, and those of you that I will be forced to interact with, I will only do so with the crutch of liquor), I am going to share with you how to survive a flight in this day and age without wanting to either kill yourself, or my secret fantasy, murder every single one of the inconsiderate, loud, clueless idiots that will be rubbing their exposed leg blubber up against you for the next 5 hours.

    ***

    Under $29

    Foam Ear Plugs

    Hearos Ear Plugs: FBD pick for under $29

    Because yours truly is a bit of a science nerd (well, a LOT of a science nerd), I did some research on these life savers. And no Virginia, not only is there not a Santa Claus (like Trump’s view on climate change: he’s an elaborate myth, perpetrated by the Chinese), but there’s also not just one level of hearing protection with these little foam beauties. In fact, not only are there varying degrees of protection, but thanks to the Noise Reduction Rating (NRR), you can receive a quantitative assessment of the noise reduction properties of all brands, therein making comparisons to different companies quite simple.

    The main focus of this article today is on noise reduction for sleeping on airplanes, but many of these same principles and recommendations apply to all of you shooters out there (people shooting guns, not taking shots), or anyone regularly exposed to loud noises, whether occupationally or environmentally.

    Along these lines, it is important to note that good foam ear plugs can actually offer superior noise protection to the big, clunky, over-ear, wannabe DJ headphone dealies. I realize that there are applications for which those may be preferable, but if you’re looking for the best hearing protection/noise abatement possible, don’t assume that just because you have a larger, more complicated and expensive system, that it’s better. It may, in fact, be worse. What? (oldie but goodie, hearing joke from elementary school where I continue to spend the bulk of my time intellectually)

    But again, today we’re talking about sleeping on an airplane, in loud hotels, or maybe even, in an environment that we like to call, “Rock Bottom”. Please let me add that I hope to God than none of you are ever forced to endure the indignity of sharing a bed with Josh under any circumstances. Thankfully for all of you, I am having a hard time envisioning a scenario in which this problem could present itself, as Josh has very few friends, so the possibility of him having to go anywhere other than places to annoy me, is probably quite small. So you can breathe easy. Or easier, for sadly, as we all know, there are lots of “Josh Smullins” out there. Please allow me to get philosophical for a moment, aren’t we really all battling our own “Josh Smullins” in life? It’s like a very twisted, perverse Zombie Apocalypse, only with vicious, demanding nordic coaches, who are never satisfied with your arm angle at the finish, no matter how hard you try….

    The point here is that when God decides to punish you for the time you rounded your over-distance ski up three minutes to an even, three hours in your training log, when WE ALL KNOW that you only skied for 2 hours and 57 minutes, and you are forced to interact your very own Josh Smullin, you need to create as powerful and effective a sensory depravation tank as modern technology will allow.

    The best way to do this is to start with a pair of Hearos Foam Earplugs. Ridiculously inexpensive at about 26 cents a pair, these earplugs have the highest NRR of any earplug or earmuff. That’s right, these 26-cent pieces of foam are more effective than highly rated, $75 earmuffs. And they are more comfortable. Way more comfortable.

    With highly expandable foam, I can’t imagine an ear canal either too big or too small to achieve a good fit. This is important though, as some lower-quality earplugs can have fit issues, therein greatly reducing their effectiveness. (See graph below)

    So let’s recap: 26 cents each, the most-effective and cheapest product available, and it is a tremendously effective aid in helping you sleep. Please tell me again why you don’t have already have these?

    One hundred pairs for $26. You’d be crazy not to buy these. Hell, I’d gladly pay 100x this amount to forever silence all crying babies on airplanes. I’m getting myself worked up just thinking about this, let’s move on.

    $26.99 at Amazon

     

    Sleep Eye Mask

    Dream Essentials Escape Luxury Travel and Sleep Mask with Earplugs: FBD pick for under $29

    I wasn’t kidding when I said we were building the ultimate FU J-Smu Sensory Depravation Tank, or FUJSSDT (pronounced ‘Fooo-Ju-Sen-So-Do-Too), as we say around the shop. Thanks to our saviors over at Hearos, we can now no longer hear J-Smu (and if they can keep me from hearing Smullin, they really are heroes in my book). Now we’re getting somewhere.

    Next comes the problem of light — more specifically, how to get rid of it. Or to be technical, block it (hold those letters please, you physical-science geeks {we all know that the biological sciences RULE the hallowed halls of intellectual superiority. And please don’t even get me started on those computer-science trolls.})

    An appropriately sized antimatter chamber entombing your eyes and/or skull might be complicated, as would the proper placement of a Black Hole (easy, people…), so my advice is to go with the FBD favorite, the Dream Essentials Escape Luxury Travel and Sleep Mask.

    Vastly superior to the thin, crappy eye masks that the airlines give you, this mask is substantially thicker and wider, so only is the coverage superior, but the mask has two, recessed cavities, so your dainty little Bambi eyes won’t be molested with the vulgar grind of cotton on their precious lids. Best $20 you’ll ever spend, well, next to the Hearos.

    On the other hand, getting the sleep eye mask that makes it look like you think you’re a cat, has the tremendous upside of essentially guaranteeing that no one will mess with you while you’re asleep, as you’ll look certifiably insane. And flights attendants may perhaps regularly leave you saucers of milk. People may also refer to you with a derogatory slang term for a cat, but you’re a nordic skier, so you should be used to that by now: remember, you walk into the coffee shop in tights and a fanny pack filled with Gatorade — there’s nothing that you haven’t heard.

    $19.95 at Amazon

    ***

    $30 – $99

    Fisher Space Pen

    Fisher Clutch Space Pen: FBD pick for $30-$99

    Coming from a long line of scientists and engineers, I was probably destine for a career in science: whether it was the chemistry set I received at age 5, the trips to the Museum of Science in Industry in Chicago, or days building rockets and RC planes, science was in my blood (but NOT my DNA. Stop saying that, you corporate D-bags. “Customer service,” or “integration,” or whatever the hell else you wrote in your weekend mission-statement-writing retreat at the Four Seasons is NOT in your DNA. You know what is most likely in your corporate DNA? Greed and stupidity, so stop repeating this clapped-out expression. It does not make you look smart, insightful or clever. It makes it look like what it is — you are yet another corporate lackey, mindlessly parroting something he heard from an overpriced consultant.)

    Wow, where was I? Oh yes, my beloved science. For anyone even half-heartedly paying attention over the last few months (that’s how long this year’s column has been running, a few months, right?), it shouldn’t come as any surprise that one of my favorite gifts as a child remains something near and dear to my heart — a Fisher Space Pen. Founded in 1948, this American company has been producing high-quality writing implements for astronauts, field biologists, and anyone working in outdoor or difficult conditions.

    Wait, a PEN? All of the cool gear out there in the world and one of the selections to make the coveted FBD list is a frickin’ pen? Yup. Hang in there with me people. First of all, every good executive should always have a pen. Hell, even sh*tty workers should have pens —  you know why? To write sh*t down. Numerous research studies on memory and cognition have convincingly shown that writing things down greatly increases retention and recall. So to be safe, every one of you should be rewriting each and every one of these columns by hand. And to do this, you’re going to need a good pen.

    Next, I’ve spent my fair share of time in World Cup wax cabins and testing skis and every good tech not only has a pen and notebook, but guess where they’re taking notes? That’s right, out in wet, crappy conditions. And this is where this pen really hits its stride – writing on all sorts of surfaces in all sorts of weather. Whether you are jotting down which wax/grind combo is really running, or leaving a death threat on the windshield of the D-bag who parked you in at Whole Foods, a reliable pen is key. And this pen is not only reliable, but it will write on essentially any surface.

    As for specifically which pen you should get, I tested two and loved them both. The first, the Clutch Pen, was designed for oil-rig workers, so you’d better believe it can handle jotting down which grind is running. It’s easy to hold, even with gloves, writes beautifully in the wet (which will come in handy should it ever snow again), and will write on almost any surface, so when you lose your notebook, you can makes notes about your favorite top coat combinations on just about anything.

    Clutch Space Pen: $36.75 at SpacePen.com

    Fisher Trekker Space Pen: FBD pick for $30-$99

    The second, the Trekker, is smaller and more portable with a built-in key ring, so it is perfect for travel in your drink belt, race bag, or trying to survive at the bottom of a coach’s wax box, nestled between a broken pencil, a puddle of WD40, and an empty can of WD40 with a broken nozzle.

    Trekker Space Pen: $40 at SpacePen.com

    Pwolfgang keeps his handy at all times so he can make notes like, “Dear Pwolfgang, do not forget to eat an entire dozen raw eggs tomorrow. FBD just bought new carpet, so that’s probably the best place to do this as well. Love, Pwolfgang”
    No caption necessary for this one.
    With the addition of the pen, Pwolfgang has decided to try to completely reinvent himself

    You’re not going to go wrong with either model, but I’d get the small Trekker if you want something primarily for ski testing and travel, and the larger, Clutch, if you also want to use it in civilian life. You can also do custom engraving, which is perfect if you love yourself even half of much as I love me, as I never tire of seeing my own name.

     

    ***

    $100 – $299

    Gore Jacket

    Gore Bike Wear One 1985 GTX Shakedry Jacket (men’s): FBD pick for $100-$299
    When you have a jacket that is this packable yet still completely waterproof, you know you have a winner

    This may seem like a bit of a non-sequitur, but hang in there with me here — this is an amazing jacket. Its primary target usage is cycling, but it works equally well as a running jacket, or perhaps most importantly, why is fits so nicely in this category (see what I did there), is that it is one of the better, if not the best, “Wear on the street without looking like some Wannabe Euro Cycling Fanboy).

    Don’t get me wrong, first and foremost, it’s an amazing cycling jacket: it is very light and very packable, so it is my go-to “just in case” jacket all summer in Steamboat, where unexpected thunderstorms can sneak in with surprisingly speed and regularity. But I particularly love the fact that it can easily transition from morning run, to a few hours on the train, to, if I’d played my cards right, a nice p.m. cruise on my bike through the Swiss Alps. Part of being a travel ninja is being able to multipurpose all of your garments, so nothing makes the cut for the FBD overseas travel bag without being able to wear lots of hats. Except for, well, hats, which by definition, are already hats. Are you guys still with me? I hope so.

    $299.99 at Backcountry.com

     

    ***

    Over $300

    Noise-Cancelling Headphones

    Bose QuietComfort 35 wireless headphones II: FBD pick for over $300

    These bad boys are like Stanley Cup champion goal scorers, they are double-shifting and hitting all of their shots. Probably most obviously, as their name clearly implies, these are headphones that cancel out noise — no breaking news there. Also implicit in that moniker is assumption that they also play music. Check. These are all good things. But ready to turn it up a notch, to 11? You can “stack” (as the Philly meathead lifters like to say) these with Hearos for very restful slumber. That’s right — insert Hearos foam ear plugs into your ears, put the Bose noise-cancelling headphones into position, pop an Ambien, wash it down with two “Makers, rocks,” and next thing you know, it’s presto-chango, “Hello, Tokyo.” Sure, you’ll also likely wake up naked, in homemade handcuffs and leg restraints fashioned out of duct tape, shoe laces, and braided toilet paper, for your “incident” atop the drink cart, but hey, at least you are well-rested.

    Get the fancy Bose ones too: not only is the noise-cancelling better than Beats By Dre, but come on, you’re a mid-life crisis, white bread, Type-A Master Blaster aerobic machine. Act your age. Who do you think you are, Chuck D? (Look it up, grandpa.)

    This is not you.
    This IS you.

    $349.95 at Bose.com

     

    Pelican Rifle Case

    Pelican 1720 Case: FBD pick for over $300

    Yeah, yeah, I know, probably not all that many of you out there are biathletes (we need to change that, as biathlon is awesome, but that’s a topic for another day). But, as noted in Day 6  on Kick-Ass Gear, nordic skiers tend to be generally quite outdoorsy folks who hike, camp, fish and hunt, so if you fall into the category of the latter, you’re going to want a good rifle case and Pelican cases are one of the best.

    In addition to being incredibly impact-resistant, they are also waterproof (I hope to God that I never test this though). Having said that though, I had my checked bags soaked with deicing solvent a few years back, so this can indeed happen. Heaven forbid, should this even happen to you, this seems like one of those features that you’ll be REALLY glad that you have when the airline monkeys are spraying your rifle with noxious chemicals.

    Along the lines of more normal usage, multiple layers of protective foam allow you to make custom cutouts so you rifle can neatly and gently rest inside a cocoon of comfort. It also looks super pro, which is nice when you are flying out of hellholes like Philadelphia, where everyone always wants to get up in your grill over sh*t that’s clearly none of their business, so looking like you could be a sniper or some special opps guy most definitely has its advantages. Ride this wave of uncertainty until you can enshroud yourself in your FUJSSDT.

    $420 at Altius Handcrafted Firearms

    So Pro #SuckItTeela

     

    Trip to the Olympics

    Taking a trip to support some of our nation’s finest athletes at the pinnacle of international competition, the Olympics. What could possibly be more special and meaningful that than?

    Price: A lot

    Hassles: A lot

    #WorthIt

  • FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 7

    FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 7

    Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. Kicking the series off, recommendations for recovery gifts to keep you and your ski buddies on the trails and injury free. See also: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6

    ***

    Day 7: Nordic Tech

    Since no one has more style, steez and flow than the FBD, we’re going to mix it up a bit today and bring in, for lack of a better expression, an expert guest speaker to help walk us through today’s gift suggestions for Nordic Tech. I actually tapped into two experts for today’s gift ideas, Nathan Schultz from Boulder Nordic Sport and Zach Caldwell from Caldwell Sport. Spoiler alert, the Colorado guy was super chill and low-key. The guy whose Twitter handle is @GrumpySkier, was, well, grumpy. And surly. And at times, just plain mean. But, since all of you are probably as tired of reading my labored prose as I am of producing it, I thought I’d offer up someone new about whom you can complain.

    A few important points here:

    1. For those of you out there who think I can dish it out, but can’t take it, you are in for a treat, as one of these so called experts comes at me pretty good. That’s OK though, I’m a big boy (especially “South of the Border,” if you know what I mean) and I can handle it. In fact, most of this doesn’t even count as abuse in Philadelphia, it’s called just a normal day.
    2. Remember my quip on Friday about “special” people? Well, I swear to God that the comments that you will hear from Zach shorty were not staged because, A.), I would never lie to you people, I am too good a man and B.) if you know my boy Caldwell at all, you know that there was no way in hell that he would deliver this hilarious video on schedule, allowing it to be carefully reviewed and edited. Oh no, that would be too easy. Instead, Mr. Caldwell elected to sent it to me at 11:30 p.m., the night before publication (and the night in which I was leaving for the airport the next morning at 5 a.m. Awesome). The point here is that I had already published my column in which I refer to “special” people before he submitted this video. All of these events do, however, raise several serious questions about his time-management skills and most importantly, who really is the “special” one in this relationship.
    3. Furthermore, I am greatly intrigued with Zach’s assertion that I take myself too seriously, as he clearly has not been following my earlier detailed descriptions on awkward and hopefully fictional encounters with my family physician regarding problems “downstairs,” allegedly related to dirty tractor seats and improper Speedo use. Does this sound like the work of a man, albeit a great, great man, taking himself too seriously? I’ll let you all decide, as I trust you people to do the right thing here.

    Once you have drawn the correct and logical conclusion that Zach is clearly out of his mind, please send all angry comments to zach@CaldwellSport.com. Suggestions for the subject line include, but are not limited to: “FU Zach”, “FBD is a god”, or even “Leave Brittany Alone,” have we learned nothing from Anna Nicole Smith? I know it’s hard to see FBD as a human being, but trust me, he is. He’s a person. He’s like you or I. (Well, actually, much, much better, but you see my point).

    So without further ado, we are now going to shift gears a little bit and depart from our wonderful,  established format and let an angry Vermonter and my good buddy Zach Caldwell, take cheap shots at me while prattles on about how to properly tune skis.

    Watch this video in its entirety, then find the links to all of the products shown in the categories below. Please note, as usual, I have better visibility on the nordic world than Zach does from his remote outpost in rural Vermont, so please don’t just listen to Zach’s demanding and bossy tone, as the other products listed here are also top notch, they’re just being presented with a little less fanfare, which is no way, shape or form is a reflection on their value or efficacy.

    Under $29

    Red Creek Groove Scraper

    Red Creek groove scraper: FBD pick for under $29

    Don’t let Zach fool you on this, I have tested about 20 different models and I called HIM about this, since naturally he didn’t have it on his website (the things I do for that guy). Regardless of how much he badmouths it in the above video, since not all of us have relatives slaving away on a lathe to create custom tools for us, I think this groove scraper is the best one out there. As much as I can tell, so does Zach, I guess? Buy several, as everyone is going to borrow yours and never give them back.

    (Note, these are also not yet available on the Caldwell Sport website, as apparently he needs to spend less time busting my balls and more time running his business. This tool is sweet though, so email Zach directly. Be sure to give him a hard time about not putting the products he is trying to sell in a place in where potential customers can actually purchases them. #Business101

    $2.50 each via email zach@CaldwellSport.com

     

    SkiGo Kick Wax Scraper 

    SkiGo Kick Wax Scraper: FBD pick for under $29

    This baby made the cut last year and is getting a rare “FBD retweet,” just because it is that good — it’s pretty rare that you can find an extremely high-quality product for under $10, so when you do, you get as much mileage out of that beast is possible. I mean, if you can’t spend $10 on someone’s gift, you probably shouldn’t be buying them a gift in the first place.

    It has two beveled edges that peel away kick wax quickly and effectively and it is small enough to fit almost anywhere, in particular in your new wax box (more on that in a minute). It will change your kick-waxing life. Really.

    $7 at Boulder Nordic Sport

     

    Red Creek Base Scraper

    Red Creek Caldwell Sport Scraper: FBD pick for under $29

    Remember my assessment on Friday of coffee nerds? Well, move over coffee losers, as there’s a new sheriff in town, and he’s saying things like, “All professionals prefer a 3 mm scraper width.” How you can utter a phase such as that while maintaining even a shred of dignity is beyond me, but I don’t have a shirt that says, “You’re doing it wrong”, so what the hell do I know? Baller shirt, too, by the way: look for those in next year’s 12 DOFBD.

    As for the thicker scraper and how to properly scape ski sidewalls, oh my God, could a person possibly be more patronizing? I can’t believe I let this guy grind my precious skis, as YES ZACH, I know to use the side of the scraper. You see the sh*t that I have to deal with, people?

    Having said that, please also let the record note that I did buy the 5 mm scraper, as it does in fact work better for ski “technicians” of my very limited aptitude. DEMAND that he send you one with the custom FBD logo though, as this are already a collectors item. If he says no at first, just keep asking: he likes that.

    $8 at Caldwell Sport

     

    Holmenkol Natural Wax Fluid 

    Holmenkol Natural Wax Fluid: FBD pick for under $29

    Holmenkol Natural Wax Fluid is a truly “universal” wax for all snow types and temperatures. This wax not only performs well in the cold (unlike most universal waxes), it is made from sustainable sources (no petrochemicals) and is 100-percent biodegradable. Application is easy with an integrated sponge applicator and polishing felt. Use it for training or on waxless skis tip to tail to improve glide and protect the bases.

    Also a great way to travel wax when when you are leaving from the venue with your hair on fire, you have 60 minutes to catch your flight at an airport that is 70 minutes a way and there isn’t an iron in sight. This magic goo got the FBD race fleet home safe and sound from Switzerland last year after Master Blaster Worlds and I never leave home without it. That is, when I remember it. #NotAlwaysThatPro

    $20 at Boulder Nordic Sport

     

    $30 – $99

    Star Liquid Paraffins

    Star Liquid Paraffin Wax: FBD pick for $30-$99

    Have I told you how much I hate it when Zach is right about something, anything? Ironically, for a race just a few weeks ago, I had a few of the very knowledgeable people who Zach name-checks at the end of his hate-rant video prep my race skis with this product, and the skis were fast. How fast? Two podiums fast. If you buy them and don’t podium, call Zach, as he loves to field calls like this and he’s a very, very lonely man.

    On a related note, if you send your skis in to him for a new grind (which you definitely should), please be sure to also demand that he return your skis with the EXACT SAME skis ties you send out. If you receive any other ski ties than the ones that you shipped, as always, keep calling until he finally returns the correct ones.

    Star Liquid Paraffin Waxes (50 ml spray bottle. Each bottle is good for 15+ pairs of skis):

     

    Red Creek Brass Brush

    Red Creek Fine Brass Brush: FBD pick for $30-$99

    This was featured at 6:29 in the video and is also a personal FBD favorite. I don’t know what else to say here — use it, don’t use it, but I like it and Zach likes it, so take that for what it’s worth. I’m guessing that my recommendation carries more weight than Zach’s, mainly because I weight more than Zach and that’s just simple physics people. Either way, it’s a nice brush.

    $31 at Caldwell Sport

     

    Holmenkol Pro Groove Scraper 

    Holmenkol Pro Groove Scraper: FBD pick for $30-$99

    This might be more than many of you are willing to pay for a groove scraper, but it IS really nice, especially for ski brands with wider grooves. It is simple but unbelievably effective.

    And before anyone gets all huffy about the price, this thing is bomber. It has two different diameter aluminum cylinders that never dull at either end of a solid plastic handle and it removes wax so well it will shock you the first time you use it.

    $35 at Boulder Nordic Sport

     

    SkiGo HF Universal Racing Glide Wax 

    SkiGo HF High Fluor Glider (45g): FBD pick for $30-$99

    Universal wax is ubiquitous in the ski world, but previously its performance has generally been only good enough for recreational skiers looking for a simple solution. SkiGo has shattered that barrier with a truly “universal” racing wax. Available in HF and LF versions, SkiGo Universal wax is a high-quality racing wax that works well in aggressive cold snow AND warm, wet, soft snow. Many teams use it in all conditions as a reliable base layer and focus their energies on testing powders and topcoats instead of paraffin layers. The LF version ($70, 200g) is a great training wax and also good for wax standards in races that are LF-limited. HF Universal ($80, 45g) is an excellent racing synthetic paraffin. -18C/0F to +5C/41F.

    $80 at Boulder Nordic Sport

     

    Toko Soft Wax Box

    Toko Soft Wax Box: FBD pick for $30-$99

    Let’s assume that you’re drinking the Kool-Aid and you are going to get styled out with the latest and greatest swag shown here. How the hell are you going to get all of this crap to races? As usual, *I*, NOT ZACH, have you covered. Toko just released this amazing Soft Wax box and it is da bomb. It’s just the right size to transport essentially everything you need to your next local, national or even international race, yet it is also perfect for your bench at home. Load’er up once with all of the crap Zach is droning on about and boom, all of your problems are solved. Well, all of your waxing problems.

    $60 at Tokous.com

     

    $100 – $299

    Red Creek Monster Brush 

    Red Creek Oval Hard Steel/Nylon Brush: FBD pick for $100-$299

    After seeing that terribly mean-spirited video and reading just these few short item descriptions, I’m sure you can imagine how much it pains me to admit that Zach is right about not one, but two things, but what the hell, here we go: I bought this brush from him last year and even with the hurtful, tech-shaming sticker, and his most-recent, very unnecessary, spiteful commentary, this is without a doubt my favorite brush. I use it to groom the Great Dane, my hair (head, back and “elsewhere”) and promise to some day try it on my skis.

    $110 at Caldwell Sport

    Actual brush sent to me by Zach Caldwell. I think this photo perfectly defines our relationship.

     

    Over $300

    Pro Roto Brush Kit

    Red Creek Pro Roto Package: FBD pick for over $300

    Like every good nordic skier, I am a glutton for punishment: I do intervals with elite skiers, knowing full well that they are going to destroy me, yet I somehow feel the need to make myself miserable anyway. I ask some of the most hyper-critical coaches in the sport for technical feedback on my skiing, knowing full well that it will be delivered with searing sarcasm and bitting commentary, and perhaps worst of all, I somehow think it is a good idea to post another one of Zach’s videos, again, knowing full-well that I am going to take an absolute beating:

    Zach does a pretty good job describing how this system works and why you should have it, and thusly I only have a few things to add, the first one of which is by far the most salient. When I was staying at Zach’s house just a few years ago, I asked him when he didn’t use Roto brushes. I’ve spent my fair share of time in World Cup wax cabins (as a matter of fact, I just did so this past weekend), so I’ve seen some of the best techs in the world prep skis. Almost 100 percent of them use Roto brushes. Sure, they are usually preparing lots of skis in a short period of time, but their ultimate goal is fast skis, so those guys follow whatever protocol yields the best possible outcome. This means using Roto brushes almost exclusively.

    Armed with this knowledge, I asked Mr. Perfect a few years ago during my stay in Putney which one I should get. His response? “Goddamnit, FBD, you don’t need those stupid things, regular brushes are much better.” Ah, how the tables have turned … it’s been a wonderful journey watching the student become the master. Confronted about this very point yesterday via what was I’m sure a very painful phone conversation for him, he confessed, “Yeah, I was anti-roto for a while, but I have come around. Part of this is because drills are now much better, as are the Roto systems. Yes, I wasn’t that into them before, but this is my ‘must-have’ for this season.” All fair points.

    I’ll even cut Zach a lille slack on this (very little) and allow for the possibility that he was correct on both occasions, as the technology has come a long way. What this means to you, is if you are also a stodgy Vermonter, or Midwesterner, or whateverner, and are one of those, “We never used those back in my day….” type of people, that’s OK, you probably did have a valid point “back in the day,” but the technology has improved significantly across the board in all aspects of the system and you can now produce better skis, with less effort, and in less time. I think that’s a winning formula for skiers at all levels.

    If you’re a guy like me to loves skiing, but hates working on his skis (and is terrible at it, though not nearly as terrible Zach is laying out), this is a slam dunk, as I am out of the fume-choked garage faster than even, doing what I truly enjoy — skiing — on skis that are faster than ever.

    If you’re into the tech side of the sport, you are even crazier if you don’t take the plunge, as ZC has about 50 combinations of brushes, felts, steels, cottons, tweeds, licorice, and other crazy compounds, diameters, durometers, and all of that crap, therein allowing you to lock yourself in your garage away from your annoying family for longer periods of time than ever before. Everyone wins. Your poor family doesn’t have to listen to your disjointed, rambling theories on the under-appreciated value of a good structure tool and you don’t have to listen to whatever the hell it is that normal people talk about these day. I literally have no idea, as about 99 percent of my conversations ultimately come back to structure tools for some strange reason.

    As to how you execute this transaction, you can stick a toe in the water, wade in, or dive in head first to the deepest water that you can find. As you all know, I’m of the belief that is something is worth doing, it’s worth doing well (not to mention the fact that there’s no such thing as going too far), so my advice is to not just dive in, but go full “Acapulco Cliff diver” on this mo-fo and get the big-daddy set. That’s what I did and I don’t regret it for one second. Sure, I probably won’t use most of the attachments, and yes, the ones I do use I will most likely do so incorrectly, but I’ll have the best, and that makes me happy. Since I’ve been marooned in Philadelphia for WAY too long, I’ll also derive a perverse amount of satisfaction from knowing that I have a better set than most of you (in more ways than one). I know this is wrong, and this is most certainly not something that I am proud of, but it’s true.

    Sure, you can chintz out if you want to and not go with the “professional package” (insert your own ‘package’ joke here), but don’t come crying to me when everyone at laughing at you behind your back as the guy with the incomplete Roto brush set. I have nightmares over stuff like that and I would hate to see this indignity befell you.

    $425.78 (Yes, that is the actual pricing because Zach is a total kook)

  • FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 5

    FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 5

    Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. Kicking the series off, recommendations for recovery gifts to keep you and your ski buddies on the trails and injury free. See also: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4

    ***

    Day 5: Canine Companions

    With a moniker like “Fast Big Dog,” you know I’m all about the hounds, pouches, mutts, and mongrels. I mean, come on, who doesn’t like a good dog? They’re called “man’s best friend,” for a reason, all of you cat weirdos out there.

    They also happen to be the ultimate training partners. My trusty black lab, Pdiggy (not to be confused with this guy…

    No one is quite sure who was nicknamed “Diggy” first. The homosapien CU skier/rockstar Diggy Terranova is older, but the canis lupus familiaris Pdiggy has been called this his whole life, so it’s kinda a push. Both are awesome though, so it doesn’t really matter. You know he’s down with FBD too because he has pretty girls kissing him.

    … who probably gets way less media attention than he deserves due to that camera-hog Pwolfgang, has logged more miles with me than probably any other living organism.

    Dogs are awesome. They are also ready to go, never complain that you’re going too fast or too slow, or about the route, or anything else. They’re always just stoked to be out there.

    They’re also awesome at helping you dispose of all of that extra, unwanted income to do cool stuff like replace perfectly functional carpets that you already own that they’ve chosen to destroy for no apparent reason, or rip the seat belts out of your new truck (an insanely expensive repair, btw — they’re just a bunch of webbing and a buckle, for Christ’s sake, you bastards). They’re also a tremendous assistance in weight control, as they’ll gladly eat your thoughtfully prepared breakfast burrito when you turn your back, terrorize the neighbor’s cat (and therefore also the neighbor), and who better to keep that pesky mailman on his toes that your four-footed enforcer?

    In short, dogs rule. So do your favorite canine companion a solid and take him or her out for a rip right now, whether it is a train run, ski, or something special that we’re going to describe in a bit, these loyal companions will do anything for you, so how about you do something nice for them?

    ***

    Under $29

    Bark Box

    Bark Box: FBD pick for under $29
    Pwolfgang, freaking out that his was replaced by Pdiggy for just one photo op (those model types can be VERY high maintenance), vents his frustration on one this month’s BarkBox toys, Santa. Not to worry either, I have it on good authority that Santa said he’d prefer to go out this way, like a “G,” rather than have to schlep toys around to all of your filthy, unappreciative offspring. Aw, snap! Sounds like Santa has a bit of an attitude, doesn’t it? Who can blame him though, have you spent much time in airports at this time of year? Seriously, airports are the worst. I’ve got your back on this Santa.

    I’m slightly embarrassed to admit how much I like this company and this concept. Basically their schtick is that they send you a box of toys and treats at whatever regular interval you select. Sure, that’s kinda cool, but what really puts this concept over the top and catapulted it into this rarified air of the 12 D o’ FBD (as all of the cool kids say) is the job they do with the toy selection.

    Each month is “themed,” so for example, October’s offering (naturally, I am a monthly subscriber) was Halloween-based. That might seem like a bit of a gimme, but trust me, they have a staff of very creative people and they really kill it each and every month with clever themes, very representative toys, and an overall great vibe.

    Is it a little overly anthropomorphic to read too much into the concept of each month’s dog toys? Not when you have as much time on your hands and as many glaring social problems as I do.

    Do the dogs get the joke or seasonal association? With the notable exception of my Great Dane, yes, mine do. If yours do not, well, they are either also Great Danes or are just plain dumb. Tell them I said that.

    Subscriptions starting at $20/month on BarkBox.com

     

    ***

    $30 – $99

    Yellow Lab Dabbing T-shirt

    Women’s Relaxed Fit “Dabbing Labrador Retriever” T-Shirt: FBD pick for $33-$99

    If you don’t think that a T-shirt emblazoned with a yellow lab “dabbing” on the front is hilarious, then, well, you are dead on the inside. Sure, this is the type of garment that you might see at a state fair in Alabama or God forbid, Disney World, with the owner waddling about, carrying a deep-fried corn dog and their arm flab flapping in the wind, but no one is going to steal my sunshine on this, as this just so happens to be an awesome shirt. Buy it, own it (which I suppose is inherent in “buying it,” but hopefully you realize I’m using this in a more metaphorical sense), and F the world. You do you. $31.95 on RedBubble.com

    If you don’t think that this is an amazing shirt, there is something really wrong with you.

     

    Tactipup Dog Collar

    Tactipup Extreme Tactical 1.5″ Dog Collar with Handle: FBD pick for $30-$99

    Yes, $59 is a lot for a dog collar, but if you’re like me and have more money than sense, not to mention a penchant for gear, when something like this comes drifting into your inbox, you’re pretty much obligated to pull the trigger (see what I did there? Tactical collar? Pull the trigger? I’d be an awesome Navy Seal if I wasn’t so afraid of danger. And bullets. And mean people. And the dark. And water. And the cold. And air travel. And carrying heavy stuff. And long hours. Aside from that, I’d be perfect).

    For you haters out there chuckling as I piddle away my hard-earned cash, I’ll have you know that I had the last laugh because in the aforementioned Great Dane/neighbor pizza incident, thanks to the Tactipup collar “restraint handle,” I was able to apprehend my monster as he was making a run for the delicious smelling pizza before any real damage was done. Sure adequate training and even a slightly above average canine I.Q. would also be effective abatement, but sadly, those both seem to be in short supply with this particular beast.

    These collars are also incredibly well-made, made in the good ol’ USA, and come in a variety of cool colorways (or colors, for you normal people out there). Since Pwolfgang fancies himself a bit of a ladies man, I got him one in the kick-ass snow camo colorway (why the hell do I keep saying that, goddamnit that stupid expression annoys me).

    This thing has it all — get one for all of the bitches (as explained at 2:38 in this clip) and sires in your life. $58.95 on Tactipup.com

    When not jumping through plate glass windows to chase the tile guy, eating remote controls, golf balls, light bulbs, or bullets, Pwolfgang likes to take some quiet time in the garden to reflect on how good he looks in his collar. And to ponder if he wants to jump the fence again to chase the neighbor carrying pizza. You see, he is quite introspective.

     

    ***

    $100 – $299

    Whistle Dog Tracking System

    Whistle 3: FBD pick for $100-$299

     

    If you have any dog that’s “a runner,” then you can just stop reading right here and go buy this product. An earlier version of this system the Whistle 2.0 was reviewed last year and has been extremely well-received, so when I was doing some research for this overall category and discovered that Whistle had just released a new model, the Whistle 3.0, I was eager to give it a whirl. For any even semi-regular reader of any of my work, I think you know why I need it and who it’s for.

    While these are great units, they also clearly are not Great-Dane proof.

    This latest model is smaller, which is good, as the former model was large enough to offer enough purchase that the Great Dane figured out how to remove his and do this. (He barely knows he name, but he has the spatial reasoning ability and dexterity to remove and ruin a device attached to his collar, behind his neck. Freakin’ unbelievable).

    Probably even more importantly, the new model “cycles” faster, meaning it updates you via your smartphone even more rapidly when your disobedient monster has left the perimeter that you have created around your home (also a super-slick feature, as you can customize this to be as large or as small as you’d like, so whether your yard is 50’ x 50’, or 50 miles x 50 miles, the system can accommodate either option and anything in between).

    Overall, the interface is very good, works well, and all things considered, the whole system is fairly economical. It’s on sale right no

    w for $49, but keep in mind that you also have to get a monthly subscription (think of it as a wireless data plan for your dog). This still doesn’t break the bank, but if you opt for a two-year subscription (the most economical choice), this adds $7/month, bringing your first year’s expense on this to $133, hence this placement in this price category. Obviously, all subsequent years you only incur the expense of the subscription, unless your dog chews up the device, as Pwolfgang did, therefore taking you smack, dab (like the shirt?!?!?!), back to $133.

    All of this is still way cheaper than a vet bill if something happens to Fido during his prison break and certainly way, way better than the wife murdering you if something even more serious happened. Think of it as investing in the future of your relationship.

    Device and 1-year subscription for $133 at Whistle.com 

     

    Skijoring contraption

    Omnijore Joring System: FBD pick for $100-$299

    Have a death wish? Well then boy do I have a product for you.

    I’m fortunate enough to be in Switzerland often for work. It’s a beautiful place; clean, organized, safe, and with a generally very active, outdoor-oriented population (sure, they hid a bunch of money for the Nazi’s a few years back, but who amongst us is perfect, right?). One of the things that the Swiss pride themselves on is not only their precision, but also their ability to not just follow rules, but follow them to the letter.

    It is for just that reason why I was so surprised to see a guy skijoring one morning on a trail in Davos, Switzerland, that prohibited dogs. Sure, it was 6 a.m. on a Tuesday, but for a Swiss person to break a rule that cut and dry is almost unheard of. There was a method to his madness though — he was attempting to train his wife’s dog (and with very little success), so his brought this beast to the far end of the trail system where he thought he was unlikely to run into any other skiers. Overall, sound logic, as generally that portion of the trail is completely empty at that time of day, as it is quite remote. I was skiing to work and since it was dark every night on my ski back to my apartment, my only way to get in extra k’s was to squeeze them in every morning at O-Dark Thirty.

    So as is always the case in every good story, I was “just skiing along,” (all shop rats LOVE “JSA,” and it’s cycling cousin, “JRA,” inquire about this in your next visit to either a bike or ski shop), when all of a sudden this guy came screaming by me, wrapped up in a labyrinth of webbing, straps, cables, handles and pulleys: it looks like a Rube Goldberg nightmare mashup with a paratrooper, cartoon dog, and lost Swiss banker.

    The guy and his out of control hound passed me at Mach 7 and I immediately had a few thoughts: first, “Wow, those guys were going fast.” Next was, “Hmm, there’s something you don’t see all that often out here, I wonder if that is allowed”, (it’s not). Then finally, as he was heading for a hairpin turn going about 60 kph, “Geez, he must be a REALLY good skier if he can make that turn, at that speed, with the crazy dog.”

    Well, it turns out that he wasn’t a good enough skier to make that turn at that speed, as “Lovitz,” or some interesting Swiss/German name somewhat close to that, rocketed him into the snowbank. He didn’t just crash either, he crashed HARD. Being extremely sympathetic to this situation and being the beautiful person that I am, I turned around and skied up to see if he was OK. He was fine, though thoroughly embarrassed. He then went on to apologize profusely for skijoring in an illegal section of trail, passing me too closely, and disrupting my ski. This poor gentleman then went on to offer excruciating detail on the terrible luck he was having training this dog and how pissed he was at his wife for getting this stupid animal and not training it properly. All of this seemed hilarious at the time, but since God is a ball-buster, the schadenfreude I experienced at that moment has come back to haunt me 1,000 times over with the acquisition of my own giant, untrainable animal. That was my first experience with skijoring, but it wouldn’t be the last.

    On that topic, while it would undoubtedly make for some hilarious video, I have somehow managed to amass enough common sense in the past few years to realize that even attempting to go rollerski skijoring with Pwolfgang is a bad idea. Snow? Maybe. But unforgiving East Coast motorists, hilly, narrow roads and an overpowered, under-IQ’d Great Dane? That’s ones of those situations in which you truly deserve a stern lecture from the ER doc when you’re being admitted for multiple-blunt trauma.

    Not that I need any more reasons to not take my Great Dane skjorring, but in case you are wondering, I have a bunch of them: there’s the fact that as we discussed yesterday, I have beautiful but very delicate, bruisable, alabaster skin, piano wire-like cruciate tendons, and a tendency to cry at the drop of a hat — not the mention the eagerness of so many of those around me to see my fail (I’m looking at you again, Mr. Mom Jeans, Josh Smullin). Add of this up and my decision to leave Pwolfgang at home to wreck the house was an easy one. Before all of you get your panties in a wad though, do not worry, I did, in fact, test the skijoring system — I simply opted for a few of the better behaved, slightly lessly powered option in the FBD stable, er, kennel — my trusty Labradors.

    If you’re going to do it, do it right with all the firepower you can muster. Having said that, I still recommend using dogs that have a basic understanding of commands and are at least reasonably well-behaved: remember, you’ll be on open roads on devices with no brakes. This is already insane, so for the safety of you and your canine companions, do your best to apply as much common sense as possible in this clearly insane situation.

    Snow is obviously a bit of a different situation, but even so, do be perhaps a bit careful. After all, I could be skiing the other way and as we all know, I have a lot to live for, so please factor this in accordingly.

    So what are you waiting for? Go get this wicked contraption and get out there. Don’t worry either, I know CPR and I’m a wonderful person, so if I see you in a ditch, I’ll do the same as I did for Lovitz and my Swiss friend.

    $174.95 on RuffWear.com (but with your pending bills from your emergency-room visit, this could take you well over the $300 cutoff for this category)

  • FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 4

    FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 4

    Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. Kicking the series off, recommendations for recovery gifts to keep you and your ski buddies on the trails and injury free. See also: Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3

    ***

    Day 4: Casual Wear

    Even though I clearly established on Day 1 that recovery is key, we really got after it on Day 2 with training clothing, and on Day 3 my good buddy and biathlon rock star (she literally IS a rock star in Germany and rightfully so, as she is a total badass), learned you up on how to make the custom, “FBD Podium Smoothie.” Good times. And since I view each of these columns as unique, wonderful creations, being forced to pick favorites is like asking any parent to pick a favorite child. Well, maybe that’s a bad example, as kids like me are always going to win that race… but the point here is that all of these columns are incredibly valuable, amazing contributions to the overall betterment of mankind, and I can’t overemphasize how lucky you all are to have me in your lives.

    The second, and closely related point, is even as great as all of these are, it’s still hard to not have a favorite topic and since we’ve been through a lot together, I’m going to let you in on a little secret, casual wear is one of my favorite topics. Why? Well, I suppose partly because despite the fact that my overall fashion game is so strong, even the most agro, focused, Type A, OCD lunatic skier can only log so many hours per day on the tracks and unless you are one of “those guys” who sits around in their kit all day (in this case “guys” can also means “girls” and not in a transgender sense, more in a generic type of “you people” sense. And yes, it’s weird that nowadays this needs clarification), you spend (or at least should spend) more time each day in casual clothes than in your nordic gear. This means that while as important as it is to have your nordic fashion game on fleek, it’s probably even more important to have your street-fashion game tight. This really is like choosing between having a huge motor or immaculate technique, as you absolutely need both to be a playa, but since the FBD is much more of a hammer than a technician, we’ll call Street Style aerobic capacity and Nordic Style technique. So listen up all of you velvety-smooth skiers walking around in loin cloths.

    ***

    Under $29  

    MSGA hat: $20

    “Make Skiing Great Again” ball cap, modeled by Zach Hall: FBD pick for under $29
    This exciting new startup cranial covering device company (CCDC), is being led by the steady hand of Zachary Hall (right). Like any good CEO, he is carefully listening to all customer feedback, so when alleged Harvard graduate and Trump lifestyle aficionado Ollie Burruss pleaded with us to make a very special Crimson edition, we got the boys in R&D on it post-haste. Being modeled here by the series editor, near full-time resident of West Yellowstone, biathlon bad boy and heartthrob, Fast Big Dog, is an early prototype of a potential new “Ivy League Line.” We are still wrapped up with our attorneys over the details of this, as surprisingly the Harvard people don’t find this all that funny, so play it safe for now and go with the standard issue, “MSGA” version. We’re doing our best to keep our “customer database” updated (pieces of cocktail napkins with names and numbers, floating around the inside of Zach’s truck), so we’ll be sure to contact you once of all of the requisite legal hurdles have been crossed.

    You may remember this dreamy, Alaska bad-boy from his brief career as a Sears catalog underwear model, or recognize him from racing his way around the World Cup, or manning the scope for the Soldier Hollow junior biathlon team, or in his brief-but-illustrious career as a glove model, but did you know that this hunky Dartmouth graduate also has a vision to “Make Skiing Great Again?” It’s true.

    Now before everyone gets all worked up that we (really, he, in particular if you are mad – write Zach, NOT me) are normalizing the theme that this hat is in fact mocking (I’m looking at you, Ollie Burruss), I can assure you that the creator (again, Zach, NOT ME) is simply providing biting social commentary and merely making light of a bad situation. Please don’t read too much into this, just enjoy the damn hat.

    In addition, skiing has always been great, so don’t get all nitpicky with the grammar and yes, yes, we all know that Trump is a complete idiot, so please don’t view this as even a tacit endorsement of any of his moronic policies, it’s just a hat people. A funny, creative, light-hearted hat. So lighten up Francis, buy a hat and help make Zach rich again (MZRA), (which, by the way, kinda sounds like someone in Wu Tang Clan, doesn’t it? I wonder if Zach was in Wu Tang briefly after he left Dartmouth, he does have a lovely singing voice. I really need to fact check my work sometime).

    Fight the power, expand your wardrobe, and deal with bad hair days. Email Zach at zchry.hall@gmail.com . Tell’em, FBD sent cha. Best $20 you’ll ever spend.

    ***

    $30 – $99

    Time Slippers

    Time Low-Top Slippers: FBD pick for $30-$99

    There are lots of decent “house slipper” options out there and certainly mind-numbing possibilities in shoe selection, but where there seems to be a bit of a dearth of options is in “tweeners,” you know, slippers that can also venture outside to get the mail on a snowy morning without filling with water like the Titanic.

    How your traditional slippers feel after a 20-meter walk to the mailbox in the snow

    These aren’t just whips for mail and coffee runs either, no, these “sloes,” (slippers + shoes, pronounced ‘slu-es’,) are ideal for lots of nordic-skier excursions. For example, what racer hasn’t been to a training camp and had to walk down to some hotel lobby along snow-and-detritus-soaked carpet? If I remember anything from my elementary school sex-ed class, attempting this voyage in socks is a one-way trip to VD town (that’s what we called it back then).

    Do you want that to be you? Huh? DO YA? Of course not. I didn’t think so. So let’s save you an embarrassing trip to the doctor, armed only with some shaggy dog story about a dirty tractor seat and a Speedo and make sure that you keep your equipment clean as a whistle and ready for action.

    The item of interest that is going to make all of this happen are a super-slick pair of kicks from a company called Time. No, not the pedal company (though I have it on good authority that they are back and making a big-time run), no, this is exclusively a slipper company.

    They offer all sorts of models, from a traditional slip-on slipper (is this redundant or superfluous? I’m not sure), to a mid-top, to yes, even a high-top. Even though weed is legal in Colorado and I’m a CO boy from way back, the filmstrip immediately following the bizarrely graphic and disturbing elementary school sex-ed lecture was perhaps and amazingly even more insane, the “scare you straight” 1930’s biopic, Reefer Madness. Call it authoritarian propaganda, inaccurate, or downright dishonest, but it did it’s job — like Pinto from Animal House, I have been convinced ever since adolescence that even one hit of Mary J, and I could go “schizo”, so I can’t do the “high” top. All of us in Abbot elementary made a blood oath with Mr. Porter that we’d stay away from the Devil’s lettuce and since I’ve made it this far, I’d hate to cave in now with a pair of “high” tops, which I’m pretty sure the filmstrip said were gateway shoes to essentially immediate heroin addiction.

    Despite this fear of drugs, germs, clowns, closed spaces, open spaces, heights, depths, attractive women (well, women of any sort, really), and people in general, I do still consider myself a rebel and a bad boy, though, and since I like to live life on the edge, I went with a pair of mid-tops: not quite shoes yet also tantalizingly close to taking me down the road of a life of crime. Since danger is my middle name, (well, not really, it’s Thomas), I was in. As we discussed in yesterday’s column, I’m all about the wool, so I naturally went with the option for wool. Wise choice. I’m a smart dude.

    Last stop on the road to nowhere, my Ted Kaczynski cabin in Montana is where ski fitness is built and relationships go to die.

    These babies showed up during my three-week internment in West Yellowstone and they couldn’t have come at a better time. Since I had no car for this training camp, I was either skiing, walking or sleeping, and having the option for kicks that were comfortable in my Ted Kaczynski-style cabin while I was writing my manifesto on how technology was crippling modern society was key. On a rare occasion that someone invited me out of seclusion for some type of social engagement, I was delighted (even when it was Burruss), and these babies were perfect for the double-duty of landlord friendly “in-cabin” duty, as well as the occasional foray into the lobby for dinner and drinks.

    For this reason (and a few others), I’m really digging (Not to be confused with Diggins) the mid-top style and steez. The ankle-kissing height throws the fashionistas off the scent if someone is trying to pigeonhole you into one of those “wear sweat pants on the airplane” losers, or one of those people that wears slippers at a grocery store. You’re only one step away from pajama pants at the shuffleboard court of a cruise ship. Once that happens, you might as well just throw yourself overboard.

    So the wool is warm, the soles don’t soak up water like a Midwest low-lander finishing their first mountain marathon, and the style is both comfortable and versatile. On top of all of that, the owner’s wife is “one of us,” yup, a nordic nerd through and through. $99-$150 on TimeSlippers.com

     

    Fleece Hoodie

    L.L. Bean’s Sweater Fleece Pullover Hoodie: FBD pick for $30-$99

    Speaking of being cold and alone in remote Montana, another tactic to keep me from taking my own life each night when I returned to FBDR remote HQ, was the fact that I got to “slip into something more comfortable.” Who knows if this trite line ever has actually worked with a real woman in real life, not to mention the fact that I was alone in this den of self-loathing, so the only person I had an attempt at seducing was myself, and as we all know, that fish is already in the boat, as I’m already madly and deeply head over heels in love with myself, so seducing myself was not necessary. (Is this redundant or superfluous? I REALLY need to start fact checking my work…)

    I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that the skiing up there was awesome, but it could get cold so the whole training camp was much more pleasurable due to the fact that I could go back to the cabin and put on a very warm, comfortable hoodie.

    You know all you haters out there have been waiting for this obligatory temp pic from West Yellowstone, so here you go.

    Wow, we were on quite a journey for that one, weren’t we? Looks like shaggy dog stories coming in handy in more places than just attempting to cloak the origins of a VD outbreak with your family physician.

    Buy one, stay warm, ski more, and stop complaining. $89 at L.L. Bean

     

    Performance Jeans 

    DUER Performance Denim Relaxed Fit, Faded Grey Jeans: FBD pick for $30-$99

    As we make our way down the body, the next logical step after we’ve got you styled out and covered up on top are the hustle sticks. Is there any piece of clothing more versatile and utilitarian than a trusty pair of jeans? I don’t think so, especially in this day and age where increasingly relaxed dress codes mean these fashion workhorses are finding their way into the office on casual Friday, first class cabins of airplanes and even poking out from under blazers in upscale eateries in Manhattan, something unheard of even a few years ago. Who doesn’t love a good pair of jeans?

    There are tons of options out there and quite frankly, lots of good ones, but also lots of crappy ones. Do you want to be the guy everyone is laughing at in the “mom jeans?” As usual, I’m looking at you, Josh Smullin.

    Action shot of J-Smu (shown center sporting his new hairstyle) and his squad heading to Safeway for some disinfectant wipes

    Proceed with caution though, as it is also easy to go too far the other way (as is often the case in life) and end up looking like the disenfranchised millennial, burnout, wannabe skater rocking the skinny jeans. This is also a mistake. Thankfully you people have me to help you navigate though this fashion minefield.

    Since my guess is that most of my loyal readers are closer to aging hipster than young punk skater kids, when I got the call from this new “performance jeans” company (whatever the hell that means), I proceeded with interest, but also with caution. In particular once they passed the meticulous FBD screening process, my watchword (not to be confused with my safe word, which is used in a completely different context) was still caution, so I opted with the relaxed fit, as opposed to the skinny fit. Having been marooned in Philadelphia for far too long, the TV from which that clip was lifted, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia,” hits a little too close to home sometimes, so even though I’m about 100 centimeters taller than Danny Devito and vastly more fit (twice voted, “Best From Behind” back when yearbooks had cool sh*t like that and we also weren’t sophisticated enough to realize that this also carries some other, more sexual overtones).

    The point here is that if you’re getting most of these often-obscure references, you need to steer clear of the skinny jeans. If most of the time you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, your primary form of communication is SnapChat, and you’d sooner die than be confused with Smullin from a distance, what the hell do I care, go skinny. $99 at DUER

    ***

    $100 – $299

    Training/Shopping/Drinking/Chillin’ Pullover

    Voormi men’s Access NXT Pullover: FBD pick for $100-$299

    In my gripping and compelling podcast with FasterSkier earlier this year, my colleague, student and understudy, Jason Albert took us out for a metaphorical “long drive,” but since I am awesome, every second of the entire piece is riveting. I bring this up because one of his 4,000 questions was who I thought was going to win the World Cup this year. Since I am an American (and a great one at that, just ask me), I went with my Colorado homegirl Joanne Reid to win the women’s biathlon crown. When asked why, I replied, “Because she’s from Colorado and everything from Colorado is awesome.” This is a well known and clearly established scientific fact, so don’t even both trying to call me out on this.

    The point here is that when another, young, scrappy startup based in Colorado hit me up (thankfully not literally, as I have beautiful alabaster skin, but this means that I do bruise easily), I was more than happy to give them the time of day. This is not insignificant either, as now that your boy FBD is a bit of a hot commodity (not to be confused with a hot commode, which is something completely different), I have all sorts of kooky startups trying to bend my ear about how their jock straps are going to end world hunger, combs that can make you taller, or some other such nonsense. But turn down a fellow CO bro? Never. All bros know that’s strictly against bro code.

    Keep it fresh and keep it local. Fellow CO local Tad Elliott showing the fleet of FBD Racing team gear transport vehicles. When you need to move something from Durango to Steamboat, THIS is how you do it.

    So my South-state brethren loaded up Tad Elliott’s El Camino with their latest and greatest swag for a trip up to the big city, Steamboat. And I loved it. With a few notable caveats.

    First of all, surprise, surprise, the garments are wool. What can I say, I’m a fan. Not literally a fan, as I don’t think fans can type. The do a wonderful job recirculating air, but type? I don’t think so.

    First up was the Access NXT. This thing was screaming winner from the second I pulled it out of the box. It checks all of the boxes, warm, light, stylish, versatile, you name it. This made the cut on “Casual Wear” day because that’s kinda how they market it, but in reality, it is one of those FBD favorites that can go straight from the tracks to the table, as in dinning table. As in dinning table at a restaurant, where people are cooking food for you and brining it to you, not you fumbling around in your crappy little kitchen at home, slaving over a hot stove, stirring a pot of gruel like some filthy peasant. Wear whatever the hell you want when you’re doing that, you frickin’ animal. No, instead I’m talking about going out on the town with your shaggy dog tales (a word to the wise, you may want to skip over the dirty tractor seat saga, that’s really best kept between you and your HCP.)

    The point here is that the Voormi pullover is perfect for a cool mountain bike ride, then stopping straight off at your favorite local drinking establishment for burgers and beers. I know this for a fact, as it tested this theory all fall. $199 at Voormi.com

    Voormi River Run Hoodie

    I was a little bit more on the fence with the River Run Hoodie (pictured above). Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice garment, but it’s very thin, which is both a positive and a negative. It’s a positive in the sense that it’s a great piece for light to moderate aerobic activity when it’s cool, but something about a thin, lightweight hoody just kind of has that ’80s surfer, Spicoli, hooded t-shirt vibe. To be clear, I’m a surfer and I love the surfer lifestyle, but it’s a fine line between true, cooler-surfer vibe, and landlocked kook that is trying too hard. My concern is that this garment is a little bit too close to that line, so use with caution.

    If you’re all about the hooded T though, this is definitely your jam. $129 at Voormi.com

     

    Patagonia Better Sweater

    Patagonia Men’s Performance Better Sweater® Fleece Hoody: FBD pick for $100-$299

    Thankfully someone at Patagonia has their eyes on the prize and has figured out that if we’re not careful, we’re going to kill the planet. This presents a bit of a problem since it just so happens that we live on the planet and it’s the only planet that we’ve got.

    To help keep this from happening, the gang up in Venture has really been at the leading edge of the curve in terms of repair, reuse and recycle. Attend any of the big outdoor trade shoes and they have this big, covered wagon contraption in their booth which repairs old, damaged gear — extremely commendable for a company who makes their money by selling NEW gear.

    They’re also understandably and rightfully pissed that, as they put it, “The President Stole Your Land,” and I am ecstatic that in this day in age when so many companies are so cowardly and so reluctant to potentially alienate even a single potential customer, that Patagonia has the moral integrity to stand up to this horrific actions. For this reason alone, you should also have Patagonia in mind for your outdoor needs. Make no mistake, this is a dog fight and we’ve all got to stick together on this.

    Along those same lines of social responsibility, another very commendable idea they have is their Fair Trade Fleece program. The gist here is that they look at the working conditions in the factories that produce their products, along with the overall environmental impact of everything they do — Patagonia is one of the first and only clothing companies doing this and it deserves recognition. Since like most (all?) of you, I don’t want to spend my twilight years on a sun-scorched, post-apocalyptic, hell-scape, I’m all for doing whatever we can to save the planet. And if you can do so without making any compromises in quality, style and price, isn’t this pretty much a slam dunk? I think so. If you have time, please watch the video on their site to learn more.

    If someone from Patagonia was here, they’d tell you to not rush out and buy this cool hoody just based on this review, but rather to wait until you or someone you love really needed it, then buy it. I’m not kidding either, as they’ve said this to me. I really respect this and I’m more than happy to pass along this vibe. $159 at Patagonia

     

    Studded Boots 

    Metro2 W BUGrip studded boots: FBD pick for $100-$299

    Anytime there’s a product with “stud” in the name, naturally everyone immediately associates this with me, which is quite understandable. This is no exception.

    A hidden gem of the ultra distance running community, IceBug is a smaller company (relatively speaking) that you may not have heard of previously. This is right up my alley, though, as I love testing new gear from “the little guys,” as sometimes it takes the agility of open-mindedness of a smaller organization or a startup to drive change in the industry.

    While spiked shoes and boots are most certainly nothing new, IceBug does a very good job in moving this technology along. A great crossover product, as in you can wear it to the tracks and yet still not get laughed out of the grocery store, is the IceBug Metro BUGrip. These babies saved my ass in my internment in West Yellowstone (literally, as this fine community sees fit to not plow the streets or sidewalks in an effort to accommodate “Bubbleheads” (local slang term for snowmobilers), and I have it on good authority that they also dispatch a secret squad of highly trained technicians each evening to specially buff and polish the sidewalks to a fine sheen. This means that the trip to and from the grocery store with your overloaded backpack can be nothing short of treacherous if you aren’t probably prepared to do battle with the elements). $189.95 at IceBug

    ***

    Over $300

    Lightweight Puffy

    Patagonia Men’s Micro Puff™ Hoody: FBD pick for over $200

    Patagonia Micro Puff — while this sounds like some sort of marijuana accessory you’d find in one of the Colorado weed shops (lots of weed references in this piece, which is very weird considering the fact that I’m both afraid of weed and the germs, AND I’m currently not even in Colorado), in fact it is the latest offering from Patagonia, and it’s killer. This jacket is both light and warm, to which I can assuredly attest after testing it in the aforementioned brutal daily commute to the grocery store in West Yellowstone.

    Coming in right at the cutoff for this category, this jacket isn’t exact cheap, but neither is any coat of this caliber, so while it may be a bit expensive in the absolute sense, it’s a good value in the relative sense.

    I do think it is very important to establish some parameters here and a solid frame of reference. These days, Patagucchi alone has a number of offerings in this general category: I know, I’ve reviewed most of them. And I really like most of them. So it’s important to keep in mind that this isn’t “the flavor of the month,” and what I was crowing about last year has now fallen out of favor for some splashy, new offering from the marketing team. No, far from it. I stand behind all of my reviews and recommendations from last year on Eagle Glacier, my team’s puffy coat reviews two years ago, and so on.

    What this product has been designed to be is, to use a golf analogy, a “gap wedge.” Unlike Taylor Fletcher, who is a complete hack and total menace on the golf course, my boys Tad Elliott, Sylvan Ellefson, and yes, even Josh Smullin and I, have beautiful, silky smooth swings and overall near-flawless games. Since all of our short-iron shots are very finely tuned and precise (again, everyone but Taylor), there are times when our approach for eagle is too short for a pitching wedge and too long for the “sandy”: enter the gap wedge — a versatile “Tweener,” when making an eagle is mandatory to ensure that Taylor has to swim in the pond upon completion of the round (true story).

    Does this gap wedge lessen the value of any other club in your bag? Absolutely not. Could it or should it replace your driver or putter? Absolutely not. But when you need it, you really need it, are you sure as shit are glad that you have it.

    If you don’t play golf, none of this probably made any sense. All you need to know here is that the takeaway message is that I’m way better than Taylor Fletcher in golf (and life) and that this is a very versatile jacket. $299 at Patagonia