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From the FasterSkier archive — posts syndicated from athletes’ and coaches’ own blogs between 2004 and 2012, kept online as published. Current coverage is at fasterskier.com.

Tag: laundry detergent

  • FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 3

    FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 3

    Editor’s note: For the second-straight year, we’re presenting another 12-day holiday gift guide, brought to you by the one and only “FBD”, our gear-review guru. Kicking the series off, recommendations for recovery gifts to keep you and your ski buddies on the trails and injury free.  See also: Day 1 | Day 2

    ***

    Day 3: Lifestyle Gear

    Today is all about the gear that you need to make it through the day. Granted, some days you are sitting in your prison cell of an office, plotting the slow and deliberate death of those around you — those vermin holding you back from your rightful place atop multiple Olympic podiums. I’m not talking about those days. There’s not much I can do to help you there, other than to write these pointless, rambling manifestos which help you stick it to the man, as guess who’s hourly wage just skyrocketed if they spent the last 60 minutes at work revealing in the awesomeness that is FBD? To the keen eye (which is you, if you are reading this), you have undoubtedly deduced by now that these missives are actually a dog whistle, beacon of hope. I have survived the soul-crushing stupidity of corporate America and so can you. Being the benevolent overload that I am, I’m even going to show you the way. Yes, the corporate grind can seem both endless and pointless, but hang in there my fellow oppressed brothers and sisters, we’re gonna make it through this together. How? With a killer attitude and killer gear. Stick with me and not only will I get you out the other side, but we’ll do so with style and grace. And nice, new underwear. More on that in a minute.

    The top secret FBD survival/coping mechanism is one that I have carefully cultivated over many years of corporate suffering and wasted weekends writing mission statements that no one will ever even read again, nonetheless actually follow. And again, as noted in Day 1, since one loves you like I do, I am going to share my tried and true path to enlightenment, happiness and ski speed:

    • Step 1: Embrace the grind.
    • Step 2: Buy all of the gear listed below and use it exactly as prescribed.
    • Step 3: Go ski.
    • Step 4: Bask in the awesomeness that we have together created.
    • Step 5: Lather, rinse, repeat.
    • Step 6: (Optional) Buy a Great Dane. With one of these infernal creatures waiting for you at home (which has now likely been destroyed), all of a sudden going into the office doesn’t seem all that bad. You’re welcome.

    ***

    Under $29

    Stinger food 

    Honey Stinger waffles and gels: FBD pick for under $29

    Yes, the market is flooded with options (both literally and figuratively, thanks to global warming, corporate lackey politicians, and pig-headed constituents who somehow have been duped into voting against their own best interest. We all need clear air and clean water, people. This is not a partisan issue. This should not even be a political issue. This is a matter of not destroying the place where we ALL live. The ONLY place we have, too, by the way, so here’s a crazy idea: let’s not make it inhabitable, what d’ya say?).

    This is all you need to survive – Stinger gels, coffee, LaCroix, drone, and your trust biathlon rifle. I have been living off the land in Montana for three weeks now, with nothing but these few, Spartan resources. And I’ve never been happier.

    Thanks to the unique makeup of your sensory cortex, a developmental process that is truly unique to each individual, and the food options available to all of us in our particular environment as we develop, taste and food preference is a very, very personal affair. Not to worry, a full-blown, knock-down, drag-out energy food review is already underway by your crackerjack test team here at FBD Racing, but due to many conflicting time demands, travel, training, racing, and this albatross of a Holiday Gift Guide, that process is proceeding at a glacial pace. Have no fear though, we have an early winner, one that is sure to satisfying even the most discerning palate: Honey Stinger gels and waffles.

    There’s a myriad of options, flavors, and selections, to suit almost every taste, desire and Boulder-eco hippie, goofy dietary fad of the month, so whether you are a Level 4 vegan, macrobiotic, gluten free, or simply eat like a normal human, these things are da bomb. Get the ones with caffeine, as next to alcohol, caffeine is one of the best compounds on the planet, easily surpassing water. Seriously, I could go days without water, but no morning coffee or evening “wind-down” whiskey? F that. Waffles, chews, gels, honey, and more at HoneyStinger.com

    Defunkify Active Wash Laundry Detergent

    Defunkify Active Wash Laundry Detergent: FBD pick for under $29

    What was deFUNKit is now Defunkify. We covered this brand in excruciating detail last year and if you haven’t read this historical and groundbreaking review, you should. Get clean. Get woke.

    This product line made the cut for this year because not only have I received rave reviews from my adoring public on the anti-stink treatment (seriously, this is probably the product that most people approach me to thank me for suggesting: it is that good), but this past year they added a new “regular” laundry detergent.

    I call it a “regular” laundry detergent because, well, that’s basically what it is — you still need to do the “destinkify protocol” with the product I reviewed last year, this is has been designed to compliment it and help reactivate the odor-protection properties of the treatment. As a quick recap for you shallow readers out there, those simply too lazy to read the article, or those with short- and long-term memory issues, you only need to treat your clothing once with the special gunk, then it allegedly lasts for up to twenty washes. The thinking with this new detergent is that if you have treated your training clothes with the secret formula, this detergent will help keep the anti-microbial and anti-odor properties active longer.

    How well does it work? Well, that’s a bit tricky to say, as I didn’t do a direct comparison between washing in regular detergent and washing in the new Defunkify concoction, but in a very subjective, non-scientific, “let’s give it a try to see how it works” type of test environment, it seems to make a difference.

    Spy shot of the highly evolved and sophistical FBD laundry protocol. This storage and classification system is known in the scientific community as, “Random Access.”

    As noted previously on several different occasions, thankfully the FBD has been blessed with not only good circulation to his hands and feet, but also very reasonable endocrine and stress hormone biochemistry. In other words, I don’t stink. Why? Well, in addition to a careful diet, a forgiving body chemistry, and a generally carefree lifestyle, I saw the original Rocky movie at a pivotal point in my development and Apollo Creed’s advice to the youth of America really stuck with me, “Be a thinker, not a stinker.” I took this little nugget, ran with it, and never looked back.

    This all means that none of my gear rarely ever gets to DEFCON 1, so I’m not trying to move the needle all that far in each laundry sesh. Having said that however, it does seem like this new wash product extends the life of the odor treatment. Plus, it’s not that much more than regular laundry detergent, so if it saves me the hassle and expense of buying the odor treatment system a little less often, well that’s a win. $19.99 at Defunkify.com

    ***

    $30 – $99

    L.L. Bean Wicked Good Hand Warmers

    L.L. Bean Wicked Good Hand Warmers (25 pack): FBD pick for $30-$99

    Sneaking just over the $30 cut off (well, technically, right on the line) is another extremely practical offering, hand warmers. Let me stop right here, for if you are a regular reader of this column (which you sure as sh*t should be), you’re now most likely thinking, “Hey, wait a minute, what happened to Mr. Airport Anger, I’m Too Cool For School and Don’t Need Warm Gloves?” Fair question. So while many aspects of me are, in fact, superhuman, I do still get cold from time to time. Well, I would if I wasn’t an evil, super genius (think Bond villain without the weird outfit and bad haircut)

    No matter how you slice it, standing around in the cold is, uh, well … cold. Being active is key, but there are certain occasions when this simply isn’t possible: coaching, spectating, waiting for the podium, all come to mind.

    There are also those skiers who REALLY suffer from cold hands and feet and I feel for ya, I really do. Being cold sucks, and that’s where these babies come in. Not only are they light, cheap and very portable, but they can help you dig out from one of those, “I’m never going to be warm again” funks that can ensnare even the best of us from time to time. In fact, I just happen to have top-secret inside knowledge of a certain elite skier and U.S. Birkie winner who places toe warmers in his boots for every ski under 0 Celsius. This is not some spoiled East Coast Nancy-boy either; this is a rough-and-tough Midwesterner who grew up on pond hockey and is no stranger to cold weather. So if years of inattentive parenting and frostbite have compromised your circulatory system to the point where almost every ski is an unpleasant one, these are most definitely for you.

    FBD Pro Tip: The hit parade doesn’t stop there. Since I make my living by allowing pesky customers to bother me at all times of day and night, I depend on my phone. Since I would kill myself if I had to spend another two decades chained to a desk, an undisclosed amount of my “workday” may or may not involve me being outside. Since all of the phone manufacturers seem to be ensconced in some sort of perverse arms race to add largely useless features to our phones at the expense of trivial things like battery life, combined with the well-documented deleterious effect that cold has on all types of batteries, these two factors could conspire to produce rapid and unfortunate FBD unemployment unless evasive maneuvers are taken — in this case this means keeping your phone warm at all costs on the slopes/tracks/ice cave strip clubs. How is this done? You guessed it, a strategically placed hand warmer. You’re welcome. There are specially made pockets for phones that hold hand warmers, but all of the ones I’ve tested are basically crap. Go “old skool” with a Ziplock baggie and a paper towel around your phone (it’s equally bad to let your phone get too hot and hand warmers can throw off a fair amount of heat).

    Buy these for every crafty consultant who sneaks away from his desk at every possible opportunity, every patient race-course volunteer, and heck, maybe even a few of those aforementioned East Coast chronic-complainer Nancy-boys in your life. $29.95 at L.L. Bean

    Travel/training underwear & shirts

    Y Athletics SilverAir Merino Wool Boxer Brief: FBD pick for $30-$99

    Since everyone loves clean, stink-free undies and fresh training duds, when the fine folks at Y Athletics contacted me to review the line of high-performance athletic clothing, using only a slight variation on that opening line, I was of course, interested. What really caught my eye was the merino-wool underwear. For those of you playing along at home, my fondness for merino (the fabric, not the quarterback) is well known and for good reasons: it is probably the most comfortable, functional, and practical material every made. It is comfortable in the hot, cold, wet, dry and everyplace in-between (no pun intended).

    It also resists odors, dries relatively quickly, and maintains a soft touch to the skin for the life of the fabric. These are great qualities for any piece of clothing, but perhaps in no other example are these attributes more appreciated than in underpants. Goddamnit, that’s a great word, too, by the way: underpants. Not underWEAR, not skivvies, not boxers, not briefs, not undies, not fundies, but underpants. It’s as if you are back in kindergarten. Ah, simpler times…

    So what is the verdict on the new underpants? A huge thumbs up (I was going to go with a different anatomic region here, but my evil taskmasters at FasterSkier are still WAY too hung up on things like decency and decorum — bastards.) The Y Athletics fundies are warm, cool, dry and basically just all-around comfortable. They survived a tour of duty in West Yellowstone that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy: highly infrequent washings, and when they were washed, this process was often done poorly. When on duty, they were subjected prolonged training sessions in a wide variety of temperatures, and regularly exposed to all sorts of body fluids that I’d rather not describe here. And they came through with flying colors. Well, they were black, but you see my point. Overall, an excellent product.

    The Y Athletics team also sent along a sleeveless T and a long-sleeve shirt which unfortunately are made from a different fabric. They refer to the fabric as their “SilverAir technology,” with its breakdown being 69 percent nylon, 26 percent polyester, 5 percent metallic. It is designed to repel odor and be able to go for weeks at a time without washing, and in general, it worked as advertised. Overall, it is also pretty comfortable, but truth be told, I wish they used merino instead. It’s still a good product and WAY better than any cotton T-shirt that you may be rocking, but based on how good their Dan Marino underwear is, I think using this fabric in their shirts would be a home run.

    Artist’s rendition of the arms, skin and teeth of Josh Smullin: emphasis on arms, or lack thereof.

    One other minor grievance is while the sleeveless T is great for rollerskiing (in particular in the high-visibility red), the arm holes are a little small. I suppose this is fine for guys like Josh Smullin, whose arms rival those of a T-Rex, or perhaps a baby bird, but when you’re rolling w/ the FBD, you need to have some room in the arm holes when you are inviting all of the ladies in the weight room to the gun show, if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, you probably stopped reading this column long ago, so no sense in trying to explain this now.

    Definitely buy the underroos the next time American Airlines loses your luggage, you finally get a girlfriend, or your existing rotation of man-panties is SO pathetic that even you, the person with shockingly little dignity, is disgusted with yourself. Buy the sleeveless shirt if you need something to help increase your odds of survival out there on your whap sticks amongst the angry motorists and buy the long-sleeve if you’re too cheap to buck-up for merino, yet you still have an incredible aversion to the laundry room. $40-$68 at Y Athletics (Editors’s note: Y Athletics only offers men’s products)

    ***

    $100 – $299

    KÜHL Shirt

    KÜHL clothing: FBD pick for $100-$299

    Let’s assuming that you’ve been hanging on my every word for the past umpteen years I’ve been in this miserable job. You’ve purchased every single piece of gear that I’ve ever reviewed, taken every piece of training advice to heart and applied every single physiological and lifestyle principle ever implied, inferred, projected, or prescribed. If so, you’re undoubtedly in a state of perpetual bliss: you ski speed has never been higher, your job prospects are rich and plentiful and as for your interactions with MOS/MSS, well, let’s just say that you are SLAYING IT (which is saying something, as you’re a nordic skier, so that means that you usually hit the town about 2x/year and you’re panicked the entire time that you are somehow compromising your recovery, that your HRV score will be too high, and that your urine osmolality will be off for a few days, as you’ve convinced yourself that the beer that you split with Smullin is dehydrating you so much that it’s going to take you three or four days to recover.)

    In your largely futile attempts to overcome these formidable psychological hurdles interacting with potential partners, here’s where once again I have your back: a new fresh shirt to help increase your chances of successfully interacting with a “civilian,” who somehow hasn’t yet become bored with you, despite your long and rambling soliloquy on proper waxing for transformed snow or how your carefully monitoring your HRV score has changed your life.

    As you undoubtedly know from several failed attempts, there really aren’t that many ways to be cool and given the fact that you’re a nordic skier means the deck is already stacked against you, so here’s one that basically goof-proof, even for you: buy Kuhl. This mountain brand (or wannabe mountain brand; it’s such a fine line these days and they’re based of our SLC, which is kinda mountain town, but also kinda not) should fit the bill nicely.

    Give your kid a weird name and this is what’s showing up for Thanksgiving dinner in a few years. You’ve been warned.

    Actually, these are nice shirts and they should fit you even if you name is not Bill. Which, by the way, seems to be just about everyone these days, as every goddamn parent has to show the world how clever and creative they are and name their demon seed something ridiculous like Skyavenger or DragonslayerHeissmanWinner. Why can’t people use normal names anymore? Like Bill. Bill is a solid name. A normal name. A word to the wise: normal name = normal job. I’ve been in lots of board rooms and I’ve yet to hear anyone utter the phrase, “Great idea, Hunterbombasticon, why don’t you run this project. Let’s see what you can do.” No, when I hear one of those names, it is usually because I’m using it to say thank you to the person with the ironic handlebar mustache, suspenders and man capris who just made me my latte.

    So do your favorite aspiring corporate-ladder-climber but current barista a solid and hook them up with this shirt – think of it as investing in their future. And yours, as a real job also means finally getting them out of that studio apartment above your garage. Long-sleeve shirts starting at $50 at KÜHL

    This shirt looks best in a heap on the floor at the foot of the bed of that cute girl/guy you’ve been low-key crushing all season. Invest in some new threads, tighten up that rap, maybe get a real haircut and make it happen.

    ***

    Over $300

    Vitamix Blender

    Vitamix Blender: FBD pick for over $300

    I’m going to let you in on a little secret, elite athletes eat well. Very well. I’ve hosted many an indigent pro skier and also had the pleasure of having many extremely accomplished elite skiers invite me into their home. One of the things that I am struck with on almost every occasion is how well all of them eat. Very rarely is it anything crazy, trendy, or complicated, it is usually just meals that follow the very simple advice your grandmother probably gave you, “Eat a balanced diet rich in fresh fruits and vegetables.” Boom. That’s it. No crazy rhino horn extracts, whale penis smoothies, or exotic cuts of meat prepared in secrecy to protect the ancient family recipe. Nope, just fresh fruits, vegetables, lean means and healthy carbs.

    Since everyone is busy, I’ve also noticed that many a World Cupper, whether it be a biathlete, XC skier, or NoCo athlete (as I roll with all three), often starts their day with a vegetable smoothie. And the weapon of choice in the dog-eat-dog world of smoothie preparation is either a Vitamix or a BlendTec. Since the FBD is very impressionable, when I saw that Timmy and Andrea Burke had a Vitamix, I thought that’s what I had better buy, because if I buy the same blender as Timmy and Andrea, it certainly stands to reason that I will have the shooting accuracy and ski speed of Timmy and Andrea. Work with me here people, it’s called the transitive property of ski speed. Look it up.

    No fair using it for 5,000 calorie milkshakes, then calling me, crying that “the plan,” didn’t work. Use this only for good, never evil.

    Vitamix Blenders $320 – $550 on Vitamix.com

    .

  • FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 3

    FasterSkier’s 12 Days of FBD Christmas: Day 3

    FasterSkier's 2016 Holiday Gift Guide: 12 Days of FBD Christmas

    Editor’s note: This year, we opted for a spin on the holiday gift guide. Rest assured, we tasked the right guy — our gear-review guru — with the job of compiling a 12-day list of gift ideas (in various price ranges) for all the nordies in your life.

    ***

    By now you’re probably thinking, “What’s the deal with all of this clothing crap in this horribly played-out 12 Days of Christmas knockoff?” I’m a bad-ass skier who’s owned the same pair of Craft training pants since 2002. My money, ALL of my money, goes into gear that produces speed. You know, real gear. Fear not my agro friend with the nasty, clapped out pants covered in kick wax, we’ve got you covered with this latest installment.

    Day 3: Gear

    Under $30: deFUNKit, $19.95 or less

    deFUNKit Active Wash high-performance laundry detergent, FBD pick for under $30
    deFUNKit Active Wash High Performance laundry detergent, FBD pick for under $30

    The aforementioned dirt bag pants undoubtedly not only look played out, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and venture a guess that they also smell like ass. Fortunately, all is not lost here thanks to an amazing product called deFUNKit. My crackajack test team put this miracle solvent through its paces in more detail than you could even hope to imagine. If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “You know what I’d like to read tonight, an eight-page review filled with several examples of essentially the same theme of some loser wearing dirty underwear for a week.” Well, that makes two of us. You’re welcome. Available at deFUNKit.com.

    ***

    $30 – $100: Toko Profi Gloves + Racing Overmitt Combo ($45+$40)

    Toko Profi Gloves (l) and Racing Overmitts (r), FBD pick for $30-100
    Toko Profi Gloves (l) and Racing Overmitts (r), FBD pick for $30-100

    Ah, gloves. If I had to hanker a guess into what people hate the most about skiing (other than the misery, the money, the hassle, the haters, the writers — speaking of haters –, and its rapidly dwindling availability), I’d place my money on two things: cold hands and cold feet. One step at a time here people, so let’s tackle hands first. The fine folks at Toko made sure that on my trip to Eagle Glacier in Alaska last summer, that I left with the latest and greatest in-hand tuxedos, the Toko Profi (in bad-ass “Winter Warrior” color).

    These babies stood up to almost 30 hours of skiing in the dreaded 0.1° C (32 Fahrenheit) rain that seems to always coincide with all of my trips to AK and kept me coming back for more, so I’m sure they’ll do you right in the 30 seconds it takes you to scrape your car windshield. Available at TokoUS.com.

    Like any good corporate weasel, I know all of the tricks of the trade, so for those of you keeping score at home you know that we still have $55 left in our budget. Anyone who has suffered the indignity and insanity of the corporate world knows that if you don’t use all of your budget, you lose it, so let’s double-down on Toko here and also go for a pair of their awesome overmitts. What I really like about these is they keep you very warm, but you don’t look like you’re about to go 15 rounds with Tyson. Since they fit over your pole straps, the fit and feel of your gloves is normal (because you’re wearing your normal gloves), but they do an excellent job of keeping your hands comfortable while warming up for races in your thinner, racing gloves or even for long cruisers on particularly cold training days. Available at TokoUS.com.

    Spend your remaining $15 on gum and expense it as “miscellaneous” or else that d-bag CFO will knock $15 off of your 2017 budget. Man, I hate that dude. And that stupid job.

    FS Staff Pick* (*not necessarily FBD tested)

    • Pole tube ($45 at Boulder Nordic Sport): For piece of mind when flying, obviously, but also for when throwing expensive, laterally fragile pieces of carbon into a Subaru, Rocket Box, back of a van, anywhere near FBD’s dogs, etc. Fischer Pole Tube Economy sold at Boulder Nordic Sport.
    • Cocoons over-sunglasses ($55): Professional-grade sunglasses designed to be worn over prescription eyewear. Like an 85 year old’s driving glasses, but cooler. Shop options at CocoonsEyewear.com.

    ***

    $100 – $250: Patagonia Black Hole Duffel Bag, $129

    Patagonia Black Hole Duffel Bag (pictured in "Purple Panther"), FBD pick for $100-$250
    Patagonia Black Hole Duffel Bag (pictured in “Purple Panther”), FBD pick for $100-$250

    OK, now we’re rolling — if you’re anything like me, you’ve purchased a few (or all) of the past few days of suggestions as gifts, but you’ve also been following the ol’ “One for you, one for me rule,” so you’re driving home each night like a maniac, racing the wife to the front door so that you can intercept all of the gifts you’ve purchased for yourself before she’s on to you (not literally, as you’ve been married way too long for this to still be an issue). Thanks to your complete disregard for speed limits and your advanced tactical and navigational skills, you’re home first: Mission accomplished. Now what to do with the loot. Stashing your latest collection of swag behind the bird feeder in the garage feels a little too shifty even for you, so as always, your boy FBD has your back: ironically, the solution is to order more stuff, this time in the form of this killer Patagucchi bag. Available at Patagonia.com.

    FBD pro tip, go for one of the more colorful color options, as everyone and their brother has black bags and your whole ruse unravels pretty quickly when you need to fess up to the wife that some jerk at baggage claim walked off with your bag because it looked like his and he naturally disregarded the instructions to check the name tag (any frequent traveler can tell you that NO ONE does this, so it’s every man for himself at baggage claim). Now some fat dude in Florida has all of your sweet, new baselayers, gloves, and Oakleys and since you have his bag, you’re now stuck with 4 sets of K-Mart cotton tube socks, stained BVDs with blown-out waist bands and a ripped, neon tank top emblazoned with the slogan, “Official Bikini Inspector” (This is standard issue gear to all Florida residents).

    ***

    Over $250: Rossignol R-Skin classic skis, $350 at Boulder Nordic Sport

    Rossignol R-Skins, FBD pick for $250+
    Rossignol R-Skins, FBD pick for $250+

    This is a good one, a REALLY good one. Why? First of all, because it’s a ski recommendation. And secondly because it starts with a story involving two of my favorite people in skiing, Tad Elliott and Zach Caldwell. Please, please, please watch this hilarious video as not only is it funny as hell, but it will also make this recommendation make a lot more sense (kinda). It’s also very informative.

    For those paying particularly close attention at the start, you’ll recall that Zach was dressing-down Tad for using fish scale skis on a warm day, but did he say anything about skis with skins? HA, a loop hole! While I agree with Zach in principle (so much so in fact that I just bought a new pair of klister skis (before I saw this video too, btw), I also completely see Tad’s perspective. And Tad’s a pro skier for heaven’s sake: the only activity that he has to worry about each day is skiing. If Tad doesn’t want to deal with kick waxing, well, that’s good enough for me. Add to this the fact that as Zach dutifully points out, climate change is upon us, so sadly the days of simply slapping on Extra Blue and going for a rip may be fewer and fewer, so even if you have the time, energy and know-how to kick wax, there are days when nailing the wax is not easy.

    In fact, just last week at the West Yellowstone Ski Festival, we had a few days early in the week in which very experienced coaches and athletes alike were tearing their hair out trying to pick the correct wax. How did I respond to this adversity? I’m no fool, so I gave up. Or did I? After watching many skiers struggle with their kick, I did an about-face and high tailed it to the demo tents, demanding, “The best pair of skin skis money can buy.” To get me out of their tent as quickly as possible before I had the chance to interact with regular people, the Rossi team teed me up with a pair of these bad boys. The verdict? While most everyone else out on classic was waving their arms around like they were being engulfed by a swarm of bees, I had kick like a mule (I own donkeys, so I know what I’m talking about here people).

    This raises the question, did I quit or was I merely smart enough to pick the right tool for the job? I’d say it’s the latter. Yes, you do need to know how to apply kick wax, whether it be hard wax or klister, but for the busy (or lazy) working professional who wants to be as efficient as possible on the “lunch ski” or any day with “tweener conditions,” these babies are the way to go. Available at Boulder Nordic Sport.

    ***

    If you’re wondering how the hell we got here, or you just love my beautifully crafted preamble so much that you revisit every day before heading off to face the challenges of the working world, the introduction and backstory can be found here. If unlike most of America, you actually spend you time at work, working, you may have missed some of the previous days and they can be found here: Day 1 | Day 2 

  • We Want deFunk(it): A High-Performance Laundry Detergent Review

    We Want deFunk(it): A High-Performance Laundry Detergent Review

    Putting deFUNKit, a high-performance laundry detergent, to the test.
    Putting deFUNKit, a high-performance laundry detergent, to the test.

    Funkadelic

    In my classic whap stick review, I chided readers for not knowing the “Keeping it 100” reference and noted that if you didn’t know it that you were officially out of touch because you were too old. Now I’m turning the tables on y’all with my latest wild assertion that if you don’t know the “We Want The Funk” reference, well, you’re out of touch because you are too young. George Clinton and Parliament are one of the most influential bands of all time, so if you aren’t already intimately familiar with this legendary group and song, well, you need to “get woke”. There, now that I have suitably confused everyone, let’s get rolling.

    I often rotate in experts for certain reviews, as I believe it is particularly important to not only have diversity of voice, but also to use people with extensive experience and expertise in any given area. This means that test teams can vary in size from project to project, but there is almost always one constant — the core group of my trusty colleagues at the Steamboat Springs Winter Sports Club (SSWSC). I am incredibly fortunate to be a part of this amazing organization for all sorts of reasons and we are a very close-knit group. It’s a good thing, too, as this latest undertaking took took our relationships to the next level. How? Well, we just spent a week smelling each other every night before dinner.

    Long and Lonely Road

    The trailhead at Rendezvous Ski Trails, as seen in late November of this year in West Yellowstone, Mont. (Photo: FBD)
    The trailhead at Rendezvous Ski Trails, as seen in late November of this year in West Yellowstone, Mont. (All photos: FBD)

    Like many Nordic teams, SSWSCXC just returned from our annual early season training trip to the West Yellowstone Ski Festival.

    At these training camps all of the coaches ski together (naturally) and dine together, but without a doubt this was the first time that we sat at meals and discussed not only how often we were all changing our socks and underwear, but also how these pieces smelled. I’ve heard that conduct of this nature is nothing new for Vail coaches Dan Weiland and Eric Pepper, but this is just one of many reasons why those two are usually found dining alone.

    #TBT shot to a young Dan Weiland sitting alone at his junior high lunch table, completely devoid of friends, as fellow reclusive loner Eric Pepper looks on from a distance. It was here in these moments of desperate loneliness that the personality traits necessary to be a nordic coach were forged.
    #TBT shot to a young Dan Weiland sitting alone at his junior high lunch table, completely devoid of friends, as fellow reclusive loner Eric Pepper looks on from a distance. It was here in these moments of desperate loneliness that the personality traits necessary to be a nordic coach were forged.

    As you all know by now, the FBD has a reputation for looking real nice for the ladies. In our journey together to right the wrongs in the world of ski gear, we’ve tackled thick puffies, thin puffies, base layers, skate rollerskis and classic rollerskis, and we’re doing it people, we’re making a difference. It used to be that I’d see Josh Smullin in outfits like this every day, but now the frequency is down to every second or third day.

    90's neon, knee-high compression socks? Check. Matchy-Matchy 90's neon shirt, short, backpack combo? Check. 90's neon man-purse fanny pack? Check. Prepare to deploy Outfit Of The Day.
    ’90s neon, knee-high compression socks? Check. Matchy-matchy ’90s neon shirt, short, backpack combo? Check. ’90s neon man-purse fanny pack? Check. Prepare to deploy, Outfit Of The Day.

    Baby steps. Baby steps.

    So the fashion bar has been raised. Good. Very good. But looking good is only part of the picture. What if your outfit is “lit” but you smell like sh*t? I can tell you right now that this is a deal-breaker. I don’t care how fast you ski, how good you look and how savage your latest outfit is, if your base layers smell like Dave “Slow Ski” Cieslowski’s hockey equipment after spending a month in his trunk in July, you’re going to be relegated to the Weiland/Pepper lunch table in no time.

    But fear not stinky nordie, all is not lost.

    By now you’re probably thinking, “What the hell is this lunatic talking about? This is the craziest gear review I have ever read.”

    I (along with my readers, editors, friends, neighbors, and local law enforcement) often find myself asking that very question, so let’s dive right in. Since thanks to all of you loyal readers, I have rapidly risen to the most influential and trusted gear reviewer in the galaxy, I am therefore frequently contacted by companies from all walks of life with every crazy product you can possible imagine. Some are cool, some are dumb, but occasionally something bubbles up that really catches my eye. This was one of them: a laundry detergent that supposedly allows you to wear base layers for multiple workouts without washing. Since no one is lazier than me, I was immediately intrigued.

    The product in question is called, deFUNKit and here’s how it works. You simply do a normal load of laundry with their special detergent, then do repeat the same load with two different sets of their reagents (concurrently), and voila, your B.O. is now officially banished. Or so the story goes.

    Test Protocol

    To test this product, three brave men and one very brave woman descended on West Yellowstone, Mont., with only the shirts on their backs, almost literally. We brought a combination of wool and synthetic socks, undies and base layers to see if this mystery potion could stand up to real-life, real-world, real-stink testing. The plan was to ski in the same clothes for as long as possible and ride the party train until someone in the group “threw the flag.” Due to 1960s HVAC technology in our rooms, some of us wore one outfit for a.m. workouts and another in the p.m. to allow for drying, while others just went for it (more on that later).

    Ahh, the hotel room heater, circa 1960.
    Ahh, the hotel room heater, circa 1960.

    Specifics

    Here is the precise breakdown of who wore what:

    Tester 1, “Mr. Fabulous”:

    • Base layers: SmartWool, Swix synthetic
    • Socks: SmartWool, Swix synthetic
    • Fundies: SmartWool wind briefs, Swix synthetic wind briefs

    Tester 2, “Mr. Reliable”:

    • Base layers: SmartWool
    • Midlayer: SmartWool, Patagonia synthetic
    • Socks: SmartWool wind briefs, Craft synthetic wind briefs
    • Fundies: SmartWool wind briefs, Craft synthetic wind briefs

    Tester 3, “Captain Deodorant Conspiracy”:

    • Base layers: Bjorn Daehlie synthetic top, Craft synthetic top, SmartWool bottom
    • Socks: SmartWool and Point 6
    • Fundies: SmartWool wind briefs

    Tester 4, “The AK Brawler”:

    • Base layers: Swix synthetic top, Craft synthetic bottoms
    • Socks: SmartWool
    • Fundies: Victoria’s Secret (Yes, really. And no, people, this is not Josh Smullin, even though he is from Alaska)

    Hours of usage

    This is where it got real. There was a fair amount of variance in the final data mainly because one tester got super fired up and went “raw dog,” wearing the exact same outfit for the entire camp. This put their testing hours up to the extremely impressive level of 18 hours, split fairly evenly over 12 workouts. This is TRAINING HOURS, too, for much like my podcast colleagues Dean Nigglesson and Kristor Svonn, we only start our watches when we’re actually skiing (except for Smullin, who started his at breakfast — or “Bekfast, as he calls it — but that’s another story).

    When you add up time at the wax table, the walk to and from the tracks and the occasional, “rushing to get lunch so I don’t have time to change clothes after my ski” hours, this brave soul logged over 35 hours in the same socks, undies and base layers, all without a single trip to the very nasty looking hotel washing machines.

    The rest of us stuck to the protocol a bit more vigorously (or perhaps more cowardly) and racked up a range of 8-14 ski hours in each the a.m. outfit and the p.m. outfit, with another 60-75 percent of additional wear time, bringing total “on body” time for each outfit to 12-25 hours, again, split fairly evenly over seven sessions in the a.m. and another seven in the p.m.
    The conditions skiing ranged from -10 to 7 degrees Celsius (14-45 Fahrenheit), with the majority of the workouts being Level 1 cruisers, but a few of us raced and had a couple of interval sessions thrown in for good measure, so there was ample opportunity to build up the funk. All in all, it was probably a very representative sample of typical skier usage and wear patterns.

    Results

    So does this stuff work? In a word, yes, amazingly well. One of the coaches’ wives is pregnant and with an already very acute sense of smell, the impending bambino has enhanced her olfactory system to the point of “super smeller” status, and bless her soul, she very bravely volunteered to sniff test us each night. Yup, I told you we are a very tightly-knit group.

    Remarkably, even by the end of the camp, no one scored lower than a ‘7’ on the stink index (with 10 being ‘fresh as a daisy’ and 1 being ‘Weiland/Pepper lunch table’). This is pretty incredible given the high number of training hours. Even the “one outfit cowboy” came through with flying colors, which is nothing short of remarkable.

    To be clear, we all came into this with a very health dose of skepticism. Mr. Reliable noted in his log, “I was very unsure about this whole plan at the start of this test, so much so that I brought several sets of back-up clothes in case this failed spectacularly.”

    The AK Brawler agreed, “I really didn’t think this product was going to work, so I brought lots of spare clothes. Amazingly, I did not need any of them. I couldn’t believe it.”

    Captain Deodorant Conspiracy noted, “I am very surprised. This product works way better than expected.” And then the kicker, “I went the whole week doing every workout in the same outfit and I think I can keep going. In fact, I think I AM going to keep this rolling, just to see how far I can take it.” Wow.

    My beloved Salomon summer training "Please don't hit me" roller ski top and trusty Swix socks/shorts. (Photo: FBD)
    My beloved Salomon summer training “Please don’t hit me” rollerski top and trusty Swix socks/shorts.

    Since no one is a bigger numbers nerd than yours truly, I couldn’t help but attempt to make the data set as statistically significant as possible, so prior to the camp in West, I logged 31 hours of rollerskiing, running and strength (divided over 12 workouts) in one outfit. The temperature in this workouts ranged from 11 to 26° C (52-79 Fahrenheit) and was often quite sunny. I managed to talk a few reluctant coaches into giving me the sniff test (though not the cowardly Captain Deodorant Conspiracy, whose fear of germs eclipses that of even my own) and they were also amazed to discover that the outfit (at right) was still quite pleasant.

    So with multiple fabrics, multiple testers, multiple brands, multiple sexes, widely divergent approaches to personal grooming and government conspiracies, not to mention highly variant body chemistries, in every piece of clothing on every single reviewer, we found a significant decrease in smell. Every single investigator felt as though they could ski in socks and “unmentionables” for a minimum of four workouts and base layers for a minimum of eight. That’s a lot. And that was the low end. On the upper end, estimates vary here as well, but “intimates” made it upwards of 10 days and base layers maxed out the test. I think that pretty much says it all.

    The After-Life

    But what about life after skiing? Is there life after skiing? I realize I am getting a little philosophical here, but not to worry, I’m not speaking in terms of the after-life, I’m speaking in terms of the after-workout. In other words, do you need to wash your everyday fundies, well, every day?

    “Back in the day,” I would prepare myself for a night on the town with a shower, shave and a nice, new, crisp pair of “knickers”, knowing very well that the chances of a member of the opposite sex actually seeing them were quite small. We were a good team though, as my BVDs had my back and dutifully played along with this ruse every Friday and Saturday night. I also did my part and got the troops ready for battle through proper and efficient rotation in the meticulous FBD laundry regimen. I figured it was the least I could do. Business is all about mitigating risk and optimizing your chances for success…

    However, those days are now long gone, as every game is now a home game, but my focus on proper hygiene persists nonetheless. So the question at hand is can this miracle solvent work its wonder on not just athletic garments, but also daily wear?

    To execute this phase of testing, I must confess that there’s a certain psychological barrier that must first be crossed, for, to put it bluntly, getting up every day and putting on 10-day-old drawers just feels weird. Or at least it did in the beginning. But being the good scientist that I am, I decided to break it down methodically.

    Having a clean undercarriage goes a long way, regardless of your underwear status. (Photo: FBD)
    Having a clean undercarriage goes a long way, regardless of your underwear status.

    Firstly, is there anything magical about wearing your man-panties for 24 hours? Why not 26 hours? Or 17.2? The answer here is fairly obvious in that it is logical and convenient to synchronize a “wear cycle” with your daily cycle. Certainly there are many options and variations here, but a common regimen for many working professions is to wake up, shower, put on clean underwear, then go to work. So would you change your tighty whities halfway through the day or just before dinner (you aren’t really still wearing these guys, are you? If so, you need to seek professional help immediately)? You could, but it really doesn’t make any sense, baring any “accidents” or unforeseen circumstances.

    The point here is that under normal operations, underwear rotation schedules are not analogous to tire or oil changes in that there is not a mechanical or chemical breakdown taking place that requires attention after a set period of time. If it took the Earth 18 or 28 hours for one revolution, you’d probably wear your skivvies for 18 or 28 hours, respectively, and think nothing of it.

    Having said this, clearly there is some type of ceiling (“The Cotton Ceiling?”). Remember, the core of my hypothesis is that users install new undergarments after a shower, when presumably the whole undercarriage is all cleaned up, so there are in fact some chemical reactions that need to be taken into consideration. Leave cheese in your car on a hot day and you’ll be treated to an olfactory assault when you return to your vehicle, so by not coordinating and synchronizing the daily shower/undy swap, are we just begging for some crotch-pot cooking?

    The answer to this seems to be no. Without getting too graphic here, objects begin to smell when bacteria collects, colonizes and grows. Showers help prevent this on you and DeFUNKit helps prevent this in your clothing. So yes, there is a Santa Claus, and yes, all of your lazy, single dudes out there, you can in fact “safely” extend the wear cycle of your Jockeys. During a research project at the University of Michigan’s Biological Field Station, one of my colleagues was completely bought in to his “Four Wears Per Pair™” (FWPP) theory (forward, backward, inside out forward, inside out backward). While somewhat ingenious, I can tell you for a fact that all of our female colleagues found both this theory and process to be repulsive and let’s just say he had lots of quality time alone in his cabin. The point here being that this new laundry formulation will allow for extended wear cycles without suffering the shame, stigmas and practical difficulties associated with the FWPP lifestyle choice.

    Test fleet ready for action.
    Test fleet ready for action.

    How do I know this? Because I tested it. I had a “control” pair of Underoos that were in the rotation that were not treated with deFunkit, and an identical pair (SmartWool boxer briefs) that was treated. To ease the psychological torment of coming out of the shower clean and putting on the same pair of underwear that I had been wearing for 10 days, I alternated between the two configurations until someone said “Uncle.”

    (If you’re thinking, did this nut really wear the same pair of underwear for 10 days? Yup, I did. Ten fricking days.) The non-treated pair made it four days before they were pulled from the rotation, but the treated pair was still going strong on Day 10. The only reason this test ended was I was leaving for West and I made the executive decision to start that trip w/ “a clean slate,” so everything went into the washer.

    Now might be a good time to note that while I was the only person twisted (and thorough) enough to specifically “A:B” my test fleet (think of the most awful ski testing scenario that you could possibly imagine), our entire test team had a decent baseline on smell accumulation on all of their garments. Everyone in this group has literally dozens of years of skiing experience and overall a very good sense of how many days of use each given piece can withstand before things get ugly. So while my test was the only direct comparison between treated and non-treated, everyone on the team had a very good idea of the non-wash lifespan of their non-treated garments and all found significant deltas between treated and non-treated articles.

    Applications

    Some of the applications of this product are quite obvious: training camps, hut trips, camping/backpacking and the like, immediately spring to mind. In the past, essentially your only options on these adventures were to grin and bear it, or if you were lucky enough to be someplace with running water, you could annoy your roommates with “sock soup.”

    Sock soup.
    Sock soup.

    Not having to subject oneself to the indignity and inconvenience of sink laundry makes this product basically a no brainer for all of these scenarios, as this stuff will absolutely help you come out the other side smell much, much more pleasant.

    Now, having said this, the elephant in the room is you. Both of our test environments (West and Steamboat) had showers. Some of the test team showered after every workout, some only once per day. Some of us wore deodorant, some did not, but regardless, we were all starting every workout fairly to completely clean. If you’re someplace where regular showers aren’t an option or you’re one of those repulsive, stinky hippies that refuses to shower, you’ve got bigger problems than can be solved with DeFunkIt — you are a disgusting, filthy, despicable human who needs to learn basic grooming and self-respect. Yes, DeFunk will most certainly help if you can’t/won’t shower, but if you’ve got a really bad case of stank, well, there’s only so much we can do here people. This is NOT a deodorant, cologne (God help us) or anything weird like that, it’s a treating process that helps to repel odor. If you absolutely reek though, well, guess what, you’re on a one-way trip to the aforementioned lunch table w/ Dan and Pep. I just wanted to get that out there.

    Disclaimer: If you’re someplace where regular showers aren’t an option or you’re one of those repulsive, stinky hippies that refuses to shower, you’ve got bigger problems than can be solved with deFunkit.

    Going Green

    This is the deodorant you use when you think we didn't land a man on the moon. (Photo: FBD)
    This is the deodorant you use when you think we didn’t land a man on the moon.

    Another important dimension that came up in our summary and review meeting is the potential ecological impact of this product. The manufacturer reports that the preparation will last for up to 20 washes. This means that once you have treated your clothing, you can not only wear everything many more times between washes, but you can “refresh” this effect by simply doing a load of laundry with regular detergent. Undoubtedly there will be some type of degradation curve in effectiveness, but even so, if articles are only making it five or so wears near the end of the treatment cycle before requiring washing, you are still way ahead in the game.

    One more interesting angle here is the stress that laundry machines places on clothes and how significantly trips through these machines reduces the lifespan of clothing — a very interesting observation that should be factored in this equation — if one treatment of DeFunkIt results in a four- to 10-fold decrease in wash frequency, not only are you saving water and electricity (dryers, in particular, are noted energy hogs), but you will also be greatly extending the life of your garments.

    Conclusions

    You know those car commercials which offer ridiculous, seemingly unobtainable mileage estimates for their vehicle? They often conclude with their get-out-of-jail-free statement of, “Your actual mileage may vary.” Well, same deal here. We did our best to expose a wide variety of different brands, different fabrics and different people to a fairly grueling week of testing. Overall, everyone was incredibly impressed with the findings and in some cases, people were ready to keep the test going. Will you have the same results? Probably, but who knows. I’d be amazed if it didn’t work at all for you and it could actually work better. Or perhaps worse. But I’d be shocked if it didn’t work at all.

    We have not yet had the opportunity to test how this treatment process will hold up after regular washings. Does this treatment really last 20 “normal” washes? Who knows. We simply cannot answer that question at this time. We have no reason to believe that it won’t, but at the same time we always approach claims from ANY company with a fair amount of caution. The fact that everything that they’ve told us thus far has proven to be true certainly makes us optimistic, but again, our mileage may vary. As may yours.

    In conclusion, is this product worthwhile? Absolutely. For $20 and one extra trip through the washer, you can wear all of your ski crap for several additional workouts without grossing out all of the dudes/babes at the coffee shop. If you’re lazy (like me), you can throw a few pairs of “civilian clothes” into the machine at the same time and not only free up more of your valuable time for important things like playing Noah Hoffman’s Fantasy XC league, but hell, who knows, you could perhaps even ski more. And you’re saving water, saving energy and extending the life of your clothes. To me, that’s well worth 20 bucks.

    Smell ya later,
    FBD

  • 2015 FasterSkier Holiday Gift Guide: Under $25

    2015 FasterSkier Holiday Gift Guide: Under $25

    2015 Holiday Gift Guide

    Welcome to FasterSkier’s Holiday Gift Guide! The holidays are here and it’s time to go hunting for the perfect presents for the cross-country skiers in your life. Lucky for you, we’re going to make it easier. Scroll through, get some ideas and simply get ready to open your wallet. At least we’ve done the research for you.

    We’ve broken up our gift guide into four budgetary segments: Under $25, $25-$75, $75-$200 and $200-and-over. Happy shopping!