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From the FasterSkier archive — posts syndicated from athletes’ and coaches’ own blogs between 2004 and 2012, kept online as published. Current coverage is at fasterskier.com.

Tag: May Fools

  • On-Board Computer Completes Freeman Cyborg Transformation

    On-Board Computer Completes Freeman Cyborg Transformation

    An artist's rendering of the view out of Kris Freeman's eyes, after the KF3000 on-board computer system becomes operational.

    Kris Freeman, the U.S.’s top male distance skier, will have a cutting-edge on-board computer system implanted into his skull this summer, completing his transformation into a race-winning cyborg.

    Freeman, a type one diabetic, has been racing for the last year with the help of two devices: a continuous glucose monitor and an insulin pump. Those products have helped him render the effects of his disease all but moot.

    But the computer, constructed by his longtime coach Zach Caldwell and known as the KF3000, takes things a step further. If it functions as intended, Freeman will not have to worry about things like pacing, technique, or tactics—the computer will take care of it for him.

    “It’s pretty sweet,” Freeman told reporters in a press conference on Wednesday. “And no—you can’t have one.”

    The KF3000 is the product of years of frenzied work by Caldwell, who built the device with the help of a Swedish assistant in an underground lair deep in British Columbia’s Callaghan Valley. A proving ground was maintained in an undisclosed location nearby.

    In a four-hour interview with FasterSkier early last week, Caldwell detailed his plan for how Freeman will use the KF3000.

    Freeman during a testing session of the KF3000.

    After a brief surgical procedure in July, Freeman will train using the device for the latter half of the dryland season, before using it in all of his races in the winter.

    According to Caldwell, the flip of a switch will overlay a graphical display on Freeman’s field of vision, which will provide him with information.

    Competitors are labeled with their names, as well as “life meters,” which rely on sophisticated physiological metrics developed by Caldwell that show how much energy each has remaining.

    From a laptop, Caldwell will input commands that will be relayed directly to Freeman’s field of vision in all-caps, including “RELAX,” “SWITCH TO V2,” and “CRUSH THEM.”

    According to Caldwell, after the surgery, there will be no visible signs that Freeman is actually a cyborg, save for one: his eyes will glow red when the KF3000 is switched on.

    Confused by this article? Read this!

  • Vordenberg Launches All In! Line of Designer Handbags

    Vordenberg Launches All In! Line of Designer Handbags

    All those long, lonely nights driving a cargo van full of skis and waxing equipment across Europe have given USST coach Pete Vordenberg plenty of time to think. Anyone who has ever undertaken a late night trip knows the mind comes up with all sorts of ideas, but rarely do such musings come to fruition.

    But for Vordenberg, a seemingly outrageous fantasy in the wee hours of a trip across Finland appears to be headed for the big time.

    Vordenberg, the creator of the website TeamToday.org, and the associated slogan, “All In!” is about to launch his own line of high-end women’s handbags and purses, branded with the now trademarked All In!®.

    The All In!® Classic

    “The thing about being All In!®,” Vordenberg told FasterSkier, “is that you take advantage of every opportunity to improve. It is about being fully committed. I would not have been true to the ideal to pass up the opportunity to expand the All In!® brand and I would not have been true to myself to continue to ignore my passion for handcrafted leather purses.”

    While it may seem odd that someone so devoted to cross-country skiing, both as an athlete and a coach, would end up creating a line of designer handbags, it was actually the sport that opened Vordenberg’s eyes to the possibility.

    Following a training camp in northern Italy while pursuing his Olympic dreams, Vordenberg took a short detour through the famed Italian leather-goods capital – Florence. There, on the narrow winding streets, opening onto sprawling piazzas, Vordenberg had his eyes opened to the leatherworking craft at its finest – and also its shortcomings.

    “The products were stunning,” he recounted, “but I knew I could do better. The old way was getting lost in the demands for new style. I believed I had the commitment and understanding to truly mesh old with new, and remake the fashion-accessory industry.”

    The dream manifested itself only in the endless sketches of design possibilities that Vordenberg created while on the road. It wasn’t until recently that he found the time and the backers to bring the drawings to life.

    “The real kicker was when I realized that All In!® could apply to fashion as well as skiing – and not just as a motivational concept, but as a marketing strategy,” Vordenberg said.

    The All In!® Kikkan Randall Special Edition

    “The great thing about the All In!® is that it exists on several levels – you have the commitment to the process, and the willingness to sacrifice to achieve something great, but you also have an elegant handbag that is surprisingly spacious – the hallmark of an All In!®. It is actually somewhat ironic – to be All In!® you need to make sacrifices, but if you are headed out for an evening at the theater with an All In!® accessory, you don’t have to sacrifice – everything you could want to bring will all fit in – makeup, large sunglasses, iPad, wallet, even a cashmere shawl – and yet the lines are sleek and subtle.”

    The All In!® Andy Newell Special Edition

    As part of the launch, three special edition bags will be available – one for each of the “Big Three” of US skiing – Kikkan Randall, Andy Newell and Kris Freeman.

    There has already been plenty of hype regarding the impending release, and the June edition Vogue will reportedly feature Freeman on the cover with an All In!® bag.

    And as is often the case with an entrepreneur, one good idea will spawn another great one. Vordenberg is currently in negotiation with USSA to allow him to use the US Ski Team slogan of “All Out!” to brand a line of high-end toilets.

    Confused by this article? Read this!